February Movies - Week 1

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yup, another week of movies... you're welcome...

February 3 – Bill Osco’s Alice in Wonderland (1976)
 
Yes, for February, we’re watching some pornography for the podcast… and this one was recommended by a Patreon… and it’s an X-Rated Fantasy Musical!!! I mean… what would you expect an X-rated version of Alice in Wonderland to be? An incredibly young looking lead stumbling into a journey of self-discovery ending in various orgy montages? Yup… that’s about it. The music is okay & kinda catchy… even with the quality of video & sound being questionable at best. There was an R-rated version released too… and the quality on that portion is MUCH better than the sex scenes added later.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Check it out if this sounds interesting to you…
 
February 4 – Metro (1997)
 
I had seen this movie back when it first came out… and remember really liking it. Eddie Murphy is a hostage negotiator whose chief buddy is killed checking out a jewel thief (Michael Wincott) and he’s on a vengeance path to get him… but also has to train his future replacement (Michael Rapaport) and hijinx ensue. It’s set in San Francisco which is great to see the old hood (including a chase going past my old work) and… frankly there’s a LOT of plot holes in the movie that you could drive a truck through… but I thought it was a lot of fun.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Not perfect but a lot of what you’d expect from 90’s Murphy trying to catch Beverly Hills Cop vibes again
 
February 5 – Cabin Boy (1994)
 
I have fond memories of watching this dumb comedy as a kid. I loved Chris Elliott in his show “Get a Life” and other great character actors & nobodies at the time (Alfred Molina, Andy Richter, etc.) were in this comedy about a fancy lad (Elliott) who mistakenly boards the wrong ship home to live life as a kept man under his daddy’s Hawaiian hotel empire… and instead finds himself as a stowaway on a fishing vessel… and hijinx ensue. I hadn’t seen this movie since probably… 1997, so I knew I was probably in for a rude awakening as to how bad it was… and man, oh man… it’s pretty bad… and I still enjoyed it. Now, I would’ve told you it was a 10 or 10+ back when I was 13-14 years old… but today…
 
Rating – 8/10 – I still really enjoyed it… though Chris Elliott does not make the most convincing fancy lad with his beard & looking 52 years old at the time
 
February 6 – Wolfen (1981)
 
We watched this movie for an episode of the Bloody Bits Horror Show… and I thought I had seen it a decade ago but… I remembered absolutely nothing about it. For example, Albert Finney is the lead, you get to see Edward James’ Olmos, the first kills of the movie are basically Trump, his wife & his driver… and it’s the first use of Predator POV. Basically there’s a serial killer going around killing people in NYC… and Detective Albert Finney is trying to bring the killer down… but the evidence shows only one logical conclusion… the killer is a werewolf!!! Hijinx ensue… definitely check it out! It’s like… a legit movie given the fairly ridiculous premise.
 
Rating – 9/10 – There are some parts that drag for “character development” that doesn’t really happen but definitely worth a watch
 
February 7 – Black Eagle (1988)
 
This was on Tubi… we hadn’t seen it… and it has super young JCVD as a Russian soldier… and the hero is Sho Kosugi… with his real life kids in it too (and honestly his son kind of being a better actor). I’m IN!!! The story is about a CIA agent (Kosugi undubbed) trying to find a super weapon that crashed into the Mediterranean Sea near Malta… but the KGB are there too. Hijinx ensue. The movie is your standard Cannon Films craziness & we’ll probably talk about it on the podcast some time… but yeah, just kinda craziness all around…
 
Rating – 8/10 – I’d recommend it if you’re just looking for action & some prime JCVD beef
 
February 8 – Three Thousand Years of Longing (2022)
 
From the director of Mad Max & Happy Feet comes the answer to the question “What if some lonely chick found a magic lamp with a Djinn that looks like Idris Elba inside… and then wanted to f**k him?!?” What a meet-cute! This movie was an awkward one… as it’s mostly the djinn telling stories of his exes… and a bunch of allegory about wishes, desires, love, all that kind of stuff… and then hijinx ensue… by which I mean, hijinx doesn’t really ensue. This is basically a play… with a lot of over the top effects & stories that… I don’t know, end morally ambiguous but not in a profound way? I don’t know, it just didn’t click with me… but the acting & stuff was great.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Not my bag… and frankly when the movie ended I responded with “Well… okay?”
 
February 9 – Red Scorpion (1988)
 
This is one of those Dolph Lundgren movies that’s… basically a Cannon movie… though they went bankrupt right before it was made. Young Dolph is a Spetsnaz commando (Russian) who’s sent on a mission to infiltrate an African rebel army & assassinate their leader… but has a change of heart halfway through… and hijinx ensue. You’ve got a foulmouthed M. Emmett Walsh as an American journalist & from the director of “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter” & “Missing in Action” and lots of dummy kills & explosions. I really enjoyed it… but there’s some definite questionable motivations throughout.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Give it a gander if you’re into Dolph’s sweaty body… or action movies

Have a great week everybody!!!

​Steve