Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Guys... I've been f**king busy... my mother-in-law is moving in, I'm doing four jobs at work (actually more like 8-9) and I'm just not getting the movies in like usual. Oh & any moment where I have a few minutes we're usually watching half an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" (up to season 11 right now) or "The Highlander" (just started season 5). Sigh... I need a vacation... and just in time for winter... but here are some movies that I have seen...
September 14 – RoboWoman (2019)
A woman is leaving a company (I assume retiring because she’s played by a 65-year old (Dawna Lee Heising, check out her story… it’s crazy)) and decides to finally go on a date with a persistent coworker… and as luck would have it… he & his buddies (including special needs brother) end up raping her to death. Well, she’s rebuilt as RoboWoman… and she exacts revenge… and oh man, this movie was hilariously rough to watch. The actors are… I don’t even think actors, probably the lead’s friends. This lady stars in about a dozen movies a year… but I assume it’s because she’s just financing them through drug trafficking or something… but yeah, it’s 1.3/10 on IMDb. Now, like I said… it’s hilarious to watch from a bad movie making standpoint… but yeah, it’s ridiculous… and there are SEQUELS!!!
Rating – 4/10 – Kudos to her for making an independent movie… but that’s about it
September 17 – The Last Man on Earth (1964)
This is the Vincent Price adaptation of “I Am Legend” about the supposed last man on Earth after a global pandemic turns all humans into… I don’t know, vampire-zombies?!? Night of the Living Dead wasn’t until a few years later but… they’re basically zombies just kinda stumbling around… and so Vincent Price is going door-to-door looking for other surviving humans… and of course eradicating any sleeping zombie-vampires & tossing them into a burning corpse pile outside of town… and hijinx ensue. I’ve really liked this movie for years… mostly because it’s Vincent Price… and it’s just kinda dumb… and then twists happen… and it’s even better… but honestly it made me want to watch “The Omega Man” again. Not “I Am Legend” though… they killed the dog.
Rating – 8/10 – Worth a watch… just for cultural context or something
September 20 – The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)
From the director of “Troll Hunter” comes a full two-hour movie based on the captain’s log chapter from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (which was almost completely skipped in the Francis Ford Coppola movie aside from a little voiceover). Corey Hawkins plays a man who went to Romania to be a doctor… but then they realized that he was black… and now he has a chance to get back to England about a cargo vessel called the Demeter… but little does he know, it’s transporting a few dozen boxes for a Count Dracula… and hijinx ensue. This movie was pretty good with the typical “Alien” kind of format… with the dark atmosphere aboard an isolated location & slow reveal of the monster (which you know is going to be overused in the climax)… and the acting was decent… in fact, I really enjoyed how good & brutal this movie was… though towards the end of the movie, the whole plot kind of falls apart for me (You know where he sleeps & that sunlight kills him… I guess you’ll just have to expose it to the morning light) but I’m sure they didn’t have the means to bring out the box or something… aside from that, it could have been trimmed a little bit… and the sequel beg at the end is interesting… but unfortunately nobody saw it in theatres because it came out the same time as Barbenheimer, TMNT & a bunch of other stuff… check it out if you can though.
Rating – 9/10 – Decent horror flick… great performances
September 23 – Roboman Hakaider (1995)
This is apparently a movie that was made based on a famous Japanese character (basically RoboCop) but was featured on a Satanic Temple movie night… and it wasn’t half bad. Basically in a post-apocalyptic future (Japan corporations, not Australian wasteland) there a corporation/government and a rebellion… and Hakaider is a stormtrooper who basically is an earlier model who turns good & helps out the rebellion… and hijinx ensue… and man, if you want to see RoboCop meets Power Rangers then this is the movie for you!
Rating – 8/10 – It’s on Tubi, check it out!
September 26 – Joy Ride (2001)
So… I thought I had seen this movie… but apparently I had just seen the trailer and maybe the last 5 minutes back in the day… and where that may seem like enough (and it kinda is) there’s a bunch to this movie that I didn’t know. Basically a P-whipped Paul Walker is driving from Berkeley to Colorado to pick up a girl he’s been crushing on for years but they were separated by college & she’s recently single. Along the way, he picks up his brother out of jail in SLC (Steve Zahn) and he invites himself along… and hijinx ensue when they f**k around on a CB radio for some reason… and movie gotta movie until people are killed & road games are played when an evil (and omnipotent) trucker is on their tail. Is it a great movie? Of course not… in fact, there’s so much wrong with this movie that I don’t know where to begin (the fun facts about the making of the movie is a good way to start though if you want to try to understand why this movie feels so… disjointed). However, if you’re looking for a movie where young people are in danger of coming upon their up’ns then this movie is for you… to a certain extent.
Rating – 7/10 – I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse in this genre… but hey, RIP Paul Walker
See you in October!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Join us this Saturday at Harvest Moon Festival, Ogden Farmers Market & the Pharoah's Scotter Club 30th Anniversary party!!! I'm also teaching Paracord classes on Sunday at The Local Artisan Collective!!! But until then...
September 7 – The Dungeonmaster / Ragewar (1984)
This is the story of a computer programmer who’s developing AI (at the neglect of his girlfriend) when all of a sudden… a demonic wizard challenges him to a duel of the wits or something INSIDE THE COMPUTER (though it’s a leftover sword & sorcery set?) so basically it’s kind of a Dungeons & Dragons computer game movie? Richard Moll is the wizard so… that’s pretty great! I think this was a Full Moon production… or at least I know Charles Band was one of the directors… basically each of the challenges has a different director doing a section… and it kind of shows… but it also kind of works in a weird way. For as absolutely ridiculous as this movie was… I really enjoyed it! Most of the directors were makeup & special effects guys getting a shot at doing a quick 5-10 minute scene and… though a lot of the story is kind out there & nonsensical… it’s an interesting little anthology.
Rating - 8/10 – Give it a shot… it’s on Tubi, you might like it
September 8 – Feeders (1996)
This was a Rifftrax watch… and the movie is basically two kids from Pennsylvania making their own movie in the mid-90’s. The story is there’s these two guys driving around taking pictures & doing a road trip… but then aliens land and start feeding on the humans… and the aliens are basically hand puppets… so it’s extra ridiculous. The acting is crap. The story is nonsensical. There are a lot of scenes of just walking to pad out the run time. Basically the appeal of this movie requires the likes of Rifftrax or some fun friends making fun of how dumb the movie is… and also just the thought of these two filmmakers during the process of the film going “Perfect! Cut! Next scene!”
Rating – 4/10 – It’s about an hour long is all… and that definitely helps enjoyment
September 9 – Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
YES!!! The 3rd greatest shark movie all time (behind Deep Blue Sea & Jaws 3D) FINALLY gets a sequel! In this one, Jason Statham as Jonas Hamstat-Taylor is back to save everybody after they’ve gone back into the underlayer of the ocean that the first Megalodon came from, to do research because… there’s a bunch of ridiculous animals down there… like fish-raptors?!? Anyway, hijinx ensue when they find out there’s a mining company down there too… explosion… things released into the Philippine Sea… and place literally called Fun Island. Now, this movie was ridiculous… but not like the first one… beyond ridiculous on a scientific level… and yes, I’m talking about the fish-raptors… and it BLATANTLY steals from ALL the animal horror hits, not just Jaws… but Jurassic Park… and even to the level of Day of the Animals. That being said, I knew this going in… was prepared for it… and still thought it was… okay.
Rating – 8/10 – I support dumb movies sometimes… especially when they blatantly pattern to China… I mean, the audience
September 10 – Mallrats (1995)
This movie came out when I was 14 and was my introduction to Kevin Smith movies… of which… eh, about half of them are watchable… and there may not have been a good one since Clerks 2. In this movie, two a-holes (Jeremy London & Jason Lee) are single now that their hot girlfriends have realized that they’re a-holes… so they go to the mall to drown their sorrows. Then they find out that a game show ran by one of the girl’s father is being held at the mall, that simply will not stand… so they make plans to destroy his (and her) livelihood. Hilarity ensues. So why do I like this movie? Well, again I was 14 when it came out… and it is basically a live action cartoon… and Sven Ole Thorsen plays LaFours in a criminally underrated Chaplin-esque performance. Does it have dull parts? Of course. Does it age like fine milk? Totally. Does it originate the Stan Lee cameo? Marvel, you HACKS!!! So how do I feel about it now?
Rating – 9/10 – I still enjoy it… but yeah, the two leads are absolutely unworthy of happiness
September 11 – Moon Zero Two (1969)
This was an MST3K watch about a space salvage worker getting involved with other space salvage workers who want to hijack an entire asteroid made out of sapphire by crashing it into the moon… and hijinx ensue. I think watching this movie, it was set in 2024 (because that was 55 years into the future when it was made) which is a lot of fun given how advanced we are now… but yeah, it’s kind of a dumb, fun almost like spy movie on the moon… with past future technology… and a lot of things that I swear I saw in resent movies like “Ad Astra” and “Gravity” but… on a budget.
Rating – 8/10 – Yeah, why not give it a watch? Especially with MST3K…
September 12 – One Got Fat (1963)
We watched a Satanic Temple Movie Night… and this was a 15-minute bicycle safety film… but it has about a dozen kids with monkey faces & tails… and almost all of them meet violent ends by not following the rules of the road! Check it out on YouTube…
Rating – 9/10 – Hilarous & informative!!!
September 13 – The Burning Moon (1992)
This was a German movie that we watched on Satanic Temple Movie Night… and it follows a teenage drug addict who’s telling his little sister a pair of bedtime stories… the first about a serial killer who escapes an insane asylum… and then immediately goes on a blind date… and hijinx ensue. The other is about a psychotic priest killing a bunch of people in a town (including a few people who look just like him?) but yeah… this was a splatter horror movie with lots of blood, violence, profanity, drug use, all that fun stuff… but also looks like it was shot with a handheld camera that was probably in East Germany…
Rating – 7/10 – Not the greatest… but hey, if it’s your jam, go for it…
Got a few humdingers lined up for next week... see you then!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Busy week... but here are a few movies that I've seen...
August 31 – Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967)
This one is about a couple country singers & their manager getting stranded at a haunted house (though a neighbor country band also randomly shows up for a number) and there’s some old dudes in the basement (John Carradine & Lon Chaney jr with help from Basil Rathbone) doing weird experiments with an ape… hijinx ensue… but mostly horribly bad country numbers as this movie is mostly just a vehicle that. The lead actresses tits were quite amazing (and apparently it was chilly on set) but yeah, this was an MST3K watch and… I feel bad for people who had to go to theaters when this was popular.
Rating – 3/10 – I can think of two things that were great to see on the screen…
September 1 – Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)
A depressed musician (Tom Hiddleston) gets a call from his former lover (Tilda Swinton) who flies from Morocco to hang out with him in Detroit… and then they just kind of be depressed and moody & pointless for about an hour… until an unexpected former acquaintance (Mia Wasikowska) shows up and f**ks things up… and I’d like to say hijinx ensue… but it really doesn’t. Oh, did I mention that they were all vampires? Good… because it doesn’t matter… I fill like this is just director Jim Jarmusch writing a boring mopey emo tale and then thinking nobody will watch this tripe… oh! Unless I make them vampires or something?!? Yes, it’s beautifully (pretentiously) shot but… yeah, no point to watching it in my opinion.
Rating – 4/10 – Maybe I’m being hard on it but… was watching it at 1.5x after a while and it was still too damn slow
September 2 – Fugitive Alien (1986)
This was an MST3K watch (we’d seen the sequel already and it’s also nuts) but it’s a Japanese sci-fi movie where an alien race is attacking the Earth… but then one of their own goes Finn from Star Wars and decides that he doesn’t want to kill humans anymore… so now they’re trying to take him out… and hijinx ensue. This movie was… an absolutely mess. I really wish that I could tell you character motivations, arcs, or really even any of them apart except for the one girl & Jo Shishido (the giant cheeks guy) but… yeah, I was laughing at the jokes more than anything else. The story is just all over the place & nonsensical.
Rating – 4/10 – Still a fun watch with the jokes…
September 3 – The Blackening (2023)
Seven friends go to an AirBNB cabin for the weekend as a ten year reunion or something… but then they find out that there’s a killer (and a Sambo board game?) that’s going to kill them all… unless they can play the game involving horror movie knowledge… and even then, probably end up killing them. It’s a horror-comedy where all the characters are African-American (except for deputy Diedrich Bader who has a cameo) and the joke tagline is “They all can’t die first” which is perfection… and the movie was pretty hilarious. A lot of N-words… to the point that I was getting a lot of “A Haunted House” vibes about halfway through but… yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out if you like pseudo-meta horror movies.
Rating – 8/10 – LOTS of N-words that I’m not allowed to enjoy…
September 4 – Viva Knievel! (1977)
This is a movie made starring legendary stuntman Evel Knievel in… let’s face it, an absolutely BS story glorifying his image. There’s action scenes where he jumps over lion, tigers & fire… but there’s no mention of his wife & kids… instead his love interest is Lauren Hutton… and his mechanic is Gene Kelly… who also has his son join the team… and hijinx ensue. Cameron Mitchell & Leslie Nielsen show up to… and there’s a plot about a rich guy trying to kill Evel in the most convoluted way possible… and yeah, it’s nonsense & much like the Evel Knievel traveling circus you’re basically watching to see him crash & potentially die.
Rating – 7/10 – It’s an interesting timepiece in filmmaking about a pretty deplorable human being who became iconic… but I’d recommend the Rifftrax version
September 5 – The Pumaman (1980)
MST3K watch of the superhero classic… about a white guy professor who finds out that he’s descendant of Aztec gods (and aliens?) so now he has superpowers… and the guidance of a giant Aztec priest (who’s the real hero of the movie) to help bring down the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance) who’s using a Puma mask to hypnotize & control people… including world leaders. This movie is… ridiculously bad… and the green screen stuff is bad… but yeah, making fun of it was fun.
Rating – 6/10 – Rough watch without the jokes…
September 6 – The Rebel Set (1959)
This was another MST3K watch about three beatnik criminals looking to rob an armored car… but then hijinx ensue when they are betrayed!!! It’s pretty boring & there’s a lot of random beatnik club scene dancing or something… but run time is required. Not really a whole lot else memorable about this movie.
Rating – 5/10 – Pass without the MST3K jokes…
Have a great week everybody!!!
Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another week, another batch of movies...
August 24 – King of New York (1990)
This is a gangster movie that I had heard about… but had never seen. A drug kingpin (Christopher Walken) is released from prison and basically wants to take over the drug trade in New York… and his general Larry Fishburne is there to help him eliminate the competition… and detectives David Caruso & Wesley Snipes are trying to stop him. Here’s the twist… he wants to take over the drug trade to help the community… like build a hospital & keep out corrupt landlords and politicians and such. I mean… yeah… but yeah, this is a gangster movie… but it’s also as if Walken was a more level-headed Scarface… but with the Walken quirks which are amazing. Yes, it’s violent, racist & all the things you could want it to be… so yeah, if that’s your thing, check it out!
Rating – 9/10 – Not quite the legendary film that I was sold… but still pretty damn good. Really it just left me with more questions than answers about a lot of things…
August 25 – Beyond Atlantis (1973)
This was an MST3K watch… about some shady characters (including John Wayne’s son Patrick & the great Sid Haig going to an island to find a fortune in rare pearls… but the island natives are determined to keep the them… and it’s basically played as if the Philippines are the lost island of Atlantis but… most of them also have giant frog eyes or something? It gets weird… and then it gets weirder… and hijinx ensue. This comes from director Eddie Romero (Black Mama White Mama & Savage Sisters among others) so you kinda know what you’re getting into knowing that… and did I mention MST3K? That being said… it’s just a nutso watch… and the dialogue is pretty ridiculous in parts (Sid Haig specifically).
Rating – 7/10 – Not horrible… but kind of need to be in the mood for it… and not thing too much
August 26 – Robo Vampire (1988)
This movie comes from acclaimed director Godfrey Ho (he’s famous for taking bits of different Asian movies & just randomly putting them together to make crazy stuff) and this is no exception. One of the stories is about a cop who’s brought back to life through technology (like RoboCop on a budget of whatever’s in the closet). Another one involves vampires… but they are more like… zombies that bunny hop towards their victims & take them out with kung fu. Another one involves a druglord in the Golden Triangle and a kidnapping… and then they’re all kind of mixed together in a crazy mess with even obviously different film stocks, plot points, continuity & so on. As a movie, it’s kind of a trainwreck.
Rating – 9/10 – That being said… it’s a definite watch with friends if you’re looking for cuckoo bananas!!!
August 27 – War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
Another MST3K watch but it’s the SEQUEL to “The Amazing Colossal Man” in which a man grew Big McLargeHuge… and then fell off the Hoover Dam to his death. Why is there a sequel? Because HE’S BACK!!! He’s also had like… half of his skull crushed (to where you can see his skull I think?) and has brain damage so he is now wandering around Mexico eating people and destroying towns and such. It’s basically your typical 50’s giant person terrorizing the city movie… but it gets pretty hilarious when a bus full of kids are brought into the mix towards the end.
Rating – 6/10 – MST3K is the way to go…
August 28 – Shivers (1975)
Director David Cronenberg’s first feature film… and oh man is it a great indicator of the style that made him famous. There’s a high-rise apartment building on an island in the river by Montreal… and it’s full of yuppies & doctors. Well, one of the doctors was apparently working on a parasite that turns people into mindless orgy zombies because he thinks humans have lost their baser instincts… and hijinx ensue. Now, if you’re ever seen a Cronenberg movie… you know what you’re getting into. There’s going to be a LOT of gore… a lot of squishy sexy gory meat slapping kind of stuff… dialogue that would blow your mind if you were stoned enough… and the timing of this movie is interesting because it seems to have influenced horror for decades in the likes of “Alien” (almost blatantly ripping it off as “Shivers in Space”), “Nightmare on Elm Street” and just about all of the 80’s slasher flicks… and it’s just a good, weird trippy kind of horror flick. I’m not a huge fan of gore so… spoilers, there’s gallons of blood involved and… some other things that don’t age particularly well with regards to “lifestyle choices” or something (but I think that’s part of the message). If you like horror, give it a glance… and remember that there may be a lot of tropes involved… but this one came before a lot of them.
Rating – 9/10 – Not a gore for gore sake fan… but this does pretty well with walking that line
August 29 – The Sage of the Viking Women & Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)
Yes, the title is great… and it’s a Roger Corman directed movie that was on MST3K about a bunch of beautiful blonde women (and Susan Cabot) going on a journey to find their missing men, who went out to war & have not returned in months. Now, there’s also one random guy left behind who must be having the time of his life but yeah… they leave by boat… get in a fight with a sea serpent in the middle of a vortex… and wash up on the shore of a foreign land… who immediately take them captive & find that their men have been there for a while too… and basically broken by slavery. Hijinx ensue as they try to escape. Now… yes, the movie is pretty bad… but there are bones here. Let’s do a female-positive Northman sequel about a bunch of Nordic goddesses going save their men… you know I’m in… but this movie is not that.
Rating – 7/10 – Check out the MST3K version but… not completely intolerable
August 30 – Final Justice (1984)
Joe Don Baker is a Texas Ranger named Thomas Jefferson Geronimo (stop laughing) who’s transporting a fugitive to Malta… but then the fugitive escapes… and hijinx ensues as Geronimo says juris-my-diction to your international law in bringing him to justice. Yeah, the movie is pretty ridiculous & it’s from director Greydon Clark (“Uninvited”, “Without Warning” “Angel’s Revenge” & “Black Shampoo”) so… obviously this was an MST3K watch. I’d recommend that version.
Rating – 7/10 – That being said… it’s quite ridiculous to see stereotypes put to celluloid in bad 80’s action
Only a few great ones this week... but what do we have in store for next week?!? Stay tuned!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another busy week... and unfortunately my step-uncle Lyndon passed away last night in a freak farming accident... but yeah, you're all here for the movie recommendations, right?
August 17 – The Quick & the Dead (1995)
Director Sam Raimi brings you a western with an all star cast… Sharon Stone is a woman who comes to the town of Redemption to enter a quick draw competition with a $123,000 winner take all prize (so like $30 million today)… but she may have motives other than money… and hijinx ensue. I love this movie. It’s a western with a lot of quirky moments, angles, quick zoom shots, memorable characters, just a lot of great stuff that I enjoyed as a teenager and enjoy to this day. That being said… I can also see how it might be unnerving to someone too. It’s like any other Sam Raimi. It’s not for everybody.
Rating – 10/10 – I still give it a 10 though & one of my favorite westerns… Spotted Horse cannot be killed by a bullet!!!
August 18 – Robot Wars (1993)
In the year 2041, there are giant mecharobots that are used for… I don’t know, transporting people from place to place… and I assume other things but… yeah, this is a Full Moon production of Robot Jox or something. In this one, the evil corporation Centro is trying to take over… and a douche robot pilot (Don Michael Paul) and blonde archaeologist (Barbara Crampton) have to revive an older model robot and save the world(?). This was an MST3K watch (newest season I believe) and boy oh boy is this one rough. As I mentioned… the “hero” is an absolute cuck… and the women (Lisa Rinna is also in this one, sorta) are written as borderline spectrum. Sure, it’s funny to watch for stop-motion & models and making fun of how bad the movie is… but I can absolutely see how Don Michael Paul went into directing shortly after this (Tremors, Jarhead, Scorpion King & Death Race sequels). I know it has more to do with the way that his character is written… but yeah, tough to watch most of the time… and nonsensical.
Rating – 5/10 – Would recommend the MST3K version though…
August 19 – The Incubus (1981)
In small town USA, the new doctor (John Cassavetes) has seen the aftermath of the a LOT of gruesome rapes & murders… and decides that he has to figure out what’s going on… since apparently the bumpkin cops (John Ireland) can’t. Insert his teenage daughter & her new boyfriend… who also is having dreams where he seems to be witnessing these events when they happen… and a hot local newspaper chick (Kerrie Keane) and hijinx certainly ensues. Okay… this movie… is total 70’s horror vibe. The characters are… basically assholes… and do most of their acting by just staring at one another for 3-4 seconds… then saying their nonsensical line that has little to do with the situation in front of them… but possible some conversation going on in their head. The violence is… pretty graphic for the time… and the force used basically escalates throughout the film. Characters also do a lot of stupid sh*t but… hey, that’s how plot happens. That being said… I’d love to talk about this movie on the podcast because… it’s unique enough to strike up a conversation… and I liked it. That being said… the ending will probably have you scratching your f**king head for a while with how haphazard it landed but… hey, it’s the journey, not the destination, right? Isn’t that what people say about horror movies with bad endings?
Rating – 8/10 – Maybe it requires a rewatch to get a higher score but… yeah, I enjoyed it
August 20 – Fatal Combat / No Exit (1995)
We’re celebrating Sven Ole Thorsen (our first interview) on our podcast Everything I Learned From Movies by watching movies where he has an actual speaking part instead of being the biggest baddie in the movie who doesn’t speak (thick Danish accent). This was one that I had read that he not only gets second billing as the Big Baddie… but he speaks quite a bit (not quite as much as Abraxas). Basically this is a kind of Mortal Kombat rip-off but basically there’s this broadcaster who’s kidnapping fighters & athletes and pitting them against each other in a battle to the death… that broadcast to those willing to pay (think dark web but television). There’s a college professor (Jeff Wincott) who kills/cripples a bunch of guys when they attack his pregnant wife in a hospital parking lot, so they kidnap him (and his student?) and hijinx ensue. This is kind of a dumb action movie with a few hilarious parts (though unintentional) and yes, we get to hear Sven speak… but in a twist, it’s mostly him making prison passes at the teenage student… and then because it’s basically a prison movie… there’s a rape scene and a LOT of F-words (not just f**k) and N-words… and I can’t really recommend the movie unless this is your thing. Oddly enough though, Rifftrax just released an episode on this movie so… guess who’s probably going to watch it the moment that it’s free?!?
Rating – 8/10 – Love to see Sven in an actual character… even if it’s prison rapist big baddy a la Michael Bailey Smith in “In Hell” (very similar movies)
August 21 – Asteroid City (2023)
Back in 2001, I was one of the individuals who saw John Carpenter’s “Ghost of Mars” in theatres. I was 20 years old… and it was the first time that I felt like… the director has given up on Hollywood & is just making fun of themselves… goggles that help you breath on Mars… the ridiculous monsters that make a language out of “RA RA RA RA RA!”… Ice Cube in tight fire print pants… just the most mailed in nonsense I think I had seen to that point. Wes Anderson appears to be making fun of himself & his style with this latest movie. The plot… who cares? It’s a bunch of Hollywood’s elite actors at a motor lodge in the middle of the American Southwest. The characters are quirkier than an M Night wet dream… except as questionable as M Night movies can be… at least the characters are doing things besides reciting the nonsense dialogue with absolute lack of emotion. Verbs besides talking. You don’t really get that in a Wes Anderson movie. There’s a scene where a character randomly puts his hand onto an iron just to feel alive and… I suspect that was the audience that saw it in theatres… even with a Scar Jo nude scene like she missed out on “Oppenheimer” for this… couldn’t save this movie for me. Okay, now for the good stuff. It’s beautifully shot with great vivid colors. It’s free on Peacock now. I can only assume the script was magnificent to get everybody to sign on. The cooky feel has an appeal with stop-motion & practical visual effects. Okay, that’s about it from me.
Rating – 6/10 – Just not my bag, baby… weird that I thought of John Carpenter giving up on Hollywood meets M Night characters & dialogue…
August 22 – My Bloody Valentine (1981)
I had never seen the original, but I remember liking the remake with Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles) but yeah… early 80’s slasher set in a mining town where teenagers are partying 20 years after a horrible massacre… but the long-thought-dead killer is going around and killing people again! There’s no real stars in the movie and it looks like it was made in the early 80’s… but shooting a LOT of the movie in an actual mine really helps to portray the sense of dread & being trapped with a massive killer with a pick axe. I really enjoyed it… as long as the teenagers weren’t talking. A lot of the backstory romance BS is in this one…
Rating – 8/10 – I really had a fun time watching this movie… and so that made me want to rewatch…
August 23 – My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
Yes, the Lionsgate remake starring Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Tom Atkins & more… basically after the mine owner’s son may or may not have accidentally blown a mine… the lone survivor is in a coma… until he’s not a year later on Valentine’s Day & kills like an entire hospital and more. Well, he’s killed by the sheriff (Atkins) and then we cut to 10 years later, when the mine owner’s son returns to town… to sell his father’s mine after his death… and maybe convince his former girlfriend to leave her husband & kids for him… and then not sell the mine because WHO CARES?!? People are DYING!!! A LOT!!! BRUTALLY!!! The drama stuff is completely pointless BUT holy sh*t, the kills in this movie and the 3D tie-in stuff… I absolutely love this movie! There are plenty of nods to the original too (exactly why I wanted to rewatch it) and… yeah, the “twist” is pretty obvious from the start but I would highly recommend checking this movie out, especially if you’re in your 20s and desensitized like I am… or was…
Rating – 10/10 – Not sure why but… one of my favorite horror movies now
Have a great week & I'll see you soon!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another week, another seven movies... enjoy!!!
August 10 – Storks (2016)
I went to visit my brother & little nephew (turning 4 in October) and they threw in this CGI tale about storks who used to deliver babies… but now are cogs in an Amazon parody delivering everything else… but hijinx ensue when one (voiced by Andy Samberg) is promoted and paired with the boss’ adopted ginger daughter (okay?) but then they accidentally make a baby (in the machine that makes babies, you weirdo!) and now have to deliver it to the family that wrote them a letter (that’s how it’s done) without anybody finding out… but then everybody finds out… and hijinx ensue. Okay, the plot is pretty… childish. However… I REALLY enjoyed this one! The humor is pretty spot on, even with the stupid kid stuff but… yeah, I laughed a bunch! If you have to watch a kid’s show to get the little bugger to quiet down… then I recommend this one.
Rating – 9/10 – Like I said, a lot of fun for what it is… and the cast is pretty stacked
August 11 – The Touch of Satan (1971)
This is a 50+ year old movie about a guy who’s out driving his muscle car… you know, just driving… and then he sees a girl hanging out by a lake in the backwoods along the way… gets to chatting her up… they hit it off… bing bang boom, she’s a witch & her family is insane… and hijinx ensue. This was on MST3K and I’d say check it out that way… we watched this one a while back without it & it had a LOT of stupid nonsensical dialogue & long pauses… you know, like most 70’s movies.
Rating – 6/10 – Watch MST3K version
August 12 – The Wasp Woman (1959)
It’s a Roger Corman-directed movie about a woman (Susan Cabot) who becomes a wasp… … … that’s it! Okay fine, she’s the figurehead of a cosmetics company & a scientist makes this youth-restoration formula from the royal jelly of wasps… she tries it and… have you seen Halle Berry’s “Catwoman”? Because I’m pretty sure they saw this movie when they made up Sharon Stone’s character… but yeah, hijinx ensue. Honestly the most memorable thing about this movie… was during the Cinematic Titanic version of this (which we watched) they casually mentioned the death of Susan Cabot… and it’s… mystifying. Feel free to google it…
Rating – 7/10 – The movie isn’t great but Cinematic Titanic version on Tubi is worth it… and a tight 80 minutes or so
August 13 – Highlander (1986)
His name is Connor McLeod… he was born over 400 years ago in the Highlands of Scotland… he is immortal… he is not alone. Now is the time of the Quickening… when the swing of a blade can unleash the Quickening… yada yada yada, you should already know this movie. The original is a LOT of fun, Christopher Lambert is the weird kind of actor who can encompass someone who has been around for centuries and kind of a mish mosh of it all, Sean Connery not so much but he’s still great as Sean Connery, Clancy Brown is great as The Kurgan (which is a real thing apparently)… and so it made a bunch of money… and they made a second movie… and have been trying to rewrite everything since.
Rating – 10/10 – Can’t wait for them to reboot it all… and we may be doing a month on the podcast for the series
August 14 – Bloodlust! (1961)
This is one of those Deadliest Game / Hard Target / The Pest movies were a crazy rich hunter guy kidnaps people and hunts them on his palatial estate… and maybe because it’s the genre… but even with it being the MST3K version, I kinda liked it! Is it great? Of course not! It’s over 60 years old & on a miniscule budget… but god bless it, it’s a tight 65 minutes or something ridiculously concise & the performances are just the right amount of reserved and over the top to make it a little interesting.
Rating – 7/10 – Maybe watch the MST3K version in case that’s the magic needed… but yeah, why not check it out?
August 15 – Sympathy for the Devil (2023)
That’s right! NEW Nic Cage! A man (Joel Kinnaman) is going to the hospital because his wife is having a baby… but then a mysterious stranger (Nic Cage with red hair & dressed like a Vegas devil) hops in the back of his car with a gun & says “Drive” and hijinx ensue. Now, the trailer makes this seem like Nic Cage might in fact be the Devil… and teases at some of the Cage-isms that he pulls throughout the movie… but truth be told, until they get to the diner (about 60 into this 90 minute movie), this movie is pretty f**king slow and a bunch of stupidly ambiguous dialogue that makes this feel like a Twilight Zone episode pulls out to 90 minutes. However, the last part (I’m not calling it a twist though) and Cage’s performance is pretty great. Beautifully shot too… though apparently on a Vegas soundstage…
Rating – 8/10 – Highly recommend checking it out if it sounds intriguing & you love Cage… which I do
August 16 – Legacy of Blood / Will to Die (1971)
The Cinematic Titanic episode is called “Legacy of Blood” but the movie comes up in IMDb as “Will to Die” but basically, the patriarch of a family dies & they all gather along with servants so the will can be read… and a stipulation is that they have to spend a night in his mansion… but then hijinx ensue when somebody starts killing off the family. Fairly predictable as you might expect but… I also kinda enjoyed it… apparently I’m easy to enjoy maybe… but yeah, it’s a dumb horror flick and they really make it so you want to see the family fodder get off’d one by one.
Rating – 7/10 – Worth a watch, especially laughing along with Cinematic Titanic
Up to season three of the "Highlander" TV series... man, oh man, is this show crazy... until next time!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
We're right in the middle of one of the busiest times for the art festival season... but that's been the case since mid-May, only cranked up to 11!!! Some great stories that we're going to tell on the pod soon so add & subscribe... until then...
August 3 – Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (2001)
This apparently was a first time watch for me! I thought I had seen it… but apparently I had just seen the trailer & immediately thought I had seen the movie. Based on a book (strike 1), an Italian officer (Nic Cage) during the occupation of a Greek island is placed into the home of a doctor (Greek thespian John Hurt?) and his daughter (Greek actress Penelope Cruz?) and hijinx ensue. Oh… Christian Bale is Greek too! This movie was… a little all over the place. The romance was… questionable. The war scenes were decent. Character motivations are… questionable. The background is beautiful. For more, check out our 400th Episode on Everything I Learned From Movies!!!
Rating - ???/10 – Might want to hear us talk about it before making any purchases…
August 4 – Barbie (2023)
Barbie crosses over into the real world (and Ken too) and hijinx ensue. Simple enough, right? Director Greta Gerwig along with masterful performances from Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, and a surprising array of actors really pull off a quite meaningful movie that I can see pissing off a bunch of butt-hurt proud boys by pointing out their flaws with cutting & cunning satire (try that in a small town) but for those with an IQ over 60 and a sense of empathy, this movie was absolutely brilliant… and based on Barbie?!? So much better than I was even expecting when I know who was involved, which let’s face it… basically the perfect way to make a movie this. Check it out! Break all the records! Pay your f**king writers!!!
Rating – 10+/10 – Must see… even when a few scenes maybe take it over the top
August 5 – Oppenheimer (2023)
Christopher Nolan’s biopic of acclaimed physicist J. Robert Oppenheimer & his team’s quest to make an atomic bomb… but then also getting a lot of other characters in there from a-hole senator (Robert Downey jr) to army expositionist (Matt Damon) to topless sex object (Florence Pugh) to Einstein and more… and this movie… was an excellent biopic about an interesting divisive character in Oppenheimer… and told in an expertly way to make the three hours’ runtime nearly perfect. Unique and memorable… and I highly recommend it. Okay, now that THAT’S all out of the way… let’s talk about Florence Pugh’s character. Basically topless in every scene that she’s in… including the one where she & Oppenheimer are both completely naked and having a conversation on chairs in a hotel room (because nobody bare-asses their own furniture) and… I really providing nothing else other than Oppie had affairs with socialist women or something… and he was conflicted about things… but basically trying to learn everything that he could… and… I’m just thinking her whole character typically would be just some random model body double (as no real character traits or acting ability was needed) but then Chris Nolan got a call saying “Florence Pugh wants to be in the movie!” “That’s great… but the wife role has already been cast as Emily Blunt and that seems more age-approp…” “NO NO NO NO!!! She wants to be Topless Strange #1!!!” “WHAT?!? But… we didn’t even give that character a name… was there one on the script?” “Nope.” “So she…” “Apparently she just wants to be in the movie any way that she can!” “God I love Hollywood… okay, give the character a name and ugh… see if we’ve got a good makeup person that can bronze her up… and let’s make sure we get this on 70 MM film!!!” “Yes master…”
Rating – 10/10 – Still recommend everyone see it but… be prepared… it’s probably can catch you out of left field too…
August 6 – Secret Invasion (2023)
I watched the latest six-episode mini-series on Disney+ where Avenger assembler Nick Fury (Sam Jackson) & his shapeshifting alien colleague Talos (Ben Mendelsohn) have apparently been trying to find a refugee camp area for Talos’ species called the Skrulls… but after 30 years & nothing happening, the younger generation of Skrulls are apparently forming a militia to infiltrate & overthrow world governments… and only Nick Fury can stop them… or can he… because he’s in his seventies? Now… a lot of people hated this series… because it’s pretty slow and frankly uneventful other than about 10-15 minutes total form about four hours of runtime. I thought it was an interesting spy flick & Olivia Colman’s character is hilarious… but overall, I can see why this was just released to fill content on Disney+ and I understand why a lotta people didn’t like it.
Rating – 8/10 – Was thinking a 7 but… Sam Jackson is kinda my jam
August 7 – Devil Fish (1984)
“Steve, are you watching another Italian Jaws ripoff?” NO!!! I’m watching an Italian Jaws 3D ripoff!!! Yeah, scientists from Sea World go into the ocean to find out what’s been killing a few people in their yachts… and instead of orcas (as it should be) it turns out to be… WATCH IT TO FIND OUT!!! Okay, the title is a hint… and it’s really a weird coelacanth – octopus hybrid or something… but yeah, it’s hot Italian people with bad dubbing going against fake tentacles and it’s a laugh riot!
Rating – 8/10 – Watch the MST3K version for maximum enjoyment
August 8 – Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow (1993)
We watched this movie for Sven-tember, because legendary thespian bodybuilder Sven Ole Thorsen has three lines in two scenes I think… but it’s set in 2074 where there are two cyborg corporations (basically US & Japan) and the Americans decide their going to use their latest sex droid model (allegedly 18 year old Angelina Jolie) laced with high explosives in her blood to go infiltrate the Japanese HQ & destroy their hierarchy in one blast… but hijinx ensue when a voice that pops up on TVs (Jack Palance) and her karate instructor (Elias Koteas) help her to escape… or can she because she’s a robot? Hijinx ensue. This movie is not really a sequel to the original Cyborg… but hey, it’s that early 90s future tech nonsense that I enjoy… and any movie that starts off with a sexbot exploding in climax while a board meeting watches is A-OK in my book!
Rating – 9/10 – It’s a jumbled mess… but it’s my kind of jumbled mess… details in September on the podcast
August 9 – Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks (1974)
What happens when an Italian movie about a little person assistant (basically Igor) and a Neanderthal man joined forces to try to bring down Count Frankenstein while he was trying to get laid… and Daughter Frankenstein was also trying (and succeeding) at getting laid… so hijinx ensue? I think this was a Cinematic Titanic (basically MST3K) watch of a movie I had never heard of… and it was pretty crazy… but not in a great way… just kind of a weird way… and with so many weird unique takes on the Frankenstein tale, I don’t see this one getting revisited, even though it’s one of my favorite genres.
Rating – 7/10 – It was hard to pay attention towards the end…
Now to get ready for the biggest art & craft festival in Utah this weekend!!! Come say hi at the Utah State Fairgrounds in Salt Lake City (or Farmers Market in Ogden)!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Alright, here are the movies for the week...
July 26 – Arsenic & Old Lace (1944)
A man (Cary Grant) and his new wife are married & off on their honeymoon… but first they have to stop by the house where his two aunts live… and hijinx ensue when he finds out that they’re loveable serial killers… and his uncle thinks he’s Teddy Roosevelt… and then his long lost brother who looks like Boris Karloff comes back with a dead body of his own… and Dr. Peter Lorre to assist… and the cops keep getting called to the house as he tries to save his family from the slammer. Yeah, this movie was great. The comedic timing was incredible even if it’s a different movie from today’s norm given that it was made nearly 80 years ago… and I hadn’t seen many Cary Grant movies but he really pulled off the comedy too. It’s a shame that his wife was barely in the movie… but hey, she serves her purpose I guess.
Rating – 10/10 – Check it out! Great flick!
July 27 – The Sentinel (1977)
Have you seen Rosemary’s Baby? Then you’ve basically seen this movie… about a model who needs her own space in NYC, so she gets an apartment that’s basically too good to be true… but it may be a PORTAL TO HELL!!! The cast on this movie is stacked… Ava Gardner, Burgess Meredith, Chris Sarandon, John Carradine, Jeff Goldblum in a small dubbed part, Beverly d’Angelo masturbating, Jerry Orbach in a wig, Jose Ferrer, Eli Wallach, Christopher Walken… this reminded me a LOT of “The Visitor” too with just the weird tone & stuff going on… and I REALLY enjoyed it as well!
Rating – 10/10 – 70’s horror movies are fun with trying to go psychological… but ending up being ridiculous at times too
July 28 – Hercules & the Captive Women (1961)
This was obviously an MST3K watch as most 60’s Hercules movies should be… but in this one, Herc stumbles upon the Queen of Atlantis who is trying to take over the world… and Italian hijinx ensue… there’s really not much else to this movie… if you’ve seen one of these Hercules movies, you’ve seen them all… this one has a little person.
Rating – 5/10 – Definitely watch MST3K version…
July 29 – Indecent Proposal (1993)
Yes, the movie that brings up the question that every couple has had… would you let Robert Redford f**k your wife for a million dollars? Obviously the answer is yes… but then the real game becomes finding out your partners limitations in a weird sort of 20 Qs game where you event find out they’ll leave you for Steve Buscemi for $12,000 or something like that… but yes, a young couple (Woody Harrelson & Demi Moore) are on tough times financially… so they go to Vegas, lose all their money, but billionaire John Gage (Redford) proposes a million dollars for one night with Demi… and hijinx ensue. Look, the premise is well known. The movie is pretty ridiculous where basically Woody’s husband character just turns into an a-hole pushing her away… and Bobby’s there to pick up the pieces and they live happily ever after… or do they?!? Watch to find out… be prepared, it’s a full two hours.
Rating – 7/10 – Once the premise is left, the movie gets pretty dumb… but I’ve used the line “A brick wants to be something more” a few times in my day…
July 30 – Star Force: Fugitive Alien II (1987)
This was an MST3K watch… and apparently is a movie compiled from episodes of a Japanese TV show… but apparently it’s about a space crew led by Captain Joe going out to destroy a super weapon made by the Star Wolves (space pirates?) and an ex-girlfriend is on the ship but… yeah, it’s a mess with hilarious dubbing. I can’t really recommend it other than it’s a confusing mess based on what I was watching… but the joke were funny.
Rating – 5/10 – MST3K version is fine though…
July 31 – Kull the Conqueror (1997)
In what was to be the 3rd Conan movie… but then fell into a hilarious combination of rights issues & Hollywood wanting it to be PG-13, TV’s Hercules Kevin Sorbo steps into the role of Kull, a barbarian (definitely not Conan) who essentially stumbles into becoming a king by accidentally killing the king (played by friend of the podcast Sven Ole Thorsen) during the aftermath of a soldier audition… and this leads to the Red Witch being risen (Tia Carrere) and hijinx ensue. The movie is… not the greatest plot or anything… but it’s a lot of stupid fun. Think Scorpion King (because they’re definitely the same movie in almost every way) but with Kevin Sorbo instead of The Rock.
Rating – 8/10 – I find it hilarious & I love sword & sandal movies… also Harvey Fierstein makes an appearance
August 1 – Mad Heidi (2022)
Making a parody of grindhouse movies can be a difficult thing… and this is a Swiss movie with Swiss actors basically turning Heidi into a Mad Max vengeance flick… with the only star anybody will really know being Casper Van Dien (“Starship Troopers”) as the Very Swiss President of Switzerland… and because it leans into the ridiculousness, it pulls it off. Okay, young Heidi sees her boyfriend killed by a fascist state of Switzerland ran by the evil cheese corporation Miele & the President… and so she leads a rebellion against them… and hijinx ensue. The violence is ultra… the poking fun at Switzerland is wildly abundant… and it’s just a lot of fun… check it out…
Rating – 9/10 – I enjoy independent cinema like this…
August 2 – Rattlers (1976)
A herpetologist (studies snakes, not herpes) is called in when there’s a rash of killings involving rattlesnakes… and they’re being super aggressive because of toxic waste or something from the nearby army base… and hijinx ensue. Throw in plenty of token snake fodder from nearby communities and you’ve got yourself a movie. Yes, of course we watched this with the MST3K touch… but the movie was… pretty bare bones without it. Lots of walking in the desert & pointless, humorless dialogue… but yeah, fun watch with friends.
Rating – 7/10 – It’s exactly what you think it would be… and nothing more. MST3K it!!!
See y'all next week!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
You guessed it... I watched movies this week...
July 19 – Swamp Women / Swamp Diamonds (1956)
This was an MST3K version, but it’s about an undercover policewoman teaming up with three convicts to escape from prison & then lead her to a fortune in stolen diamonds that they stashed in the middle of the bayou. Along the way, they pick up some guy… and hijinx ensue… directed by Roger Corman. Yes, the woman are primped & busty… and the guy can seemingly do no wrong… including all the women wanting him… and there’s just some crazy stuff that happens towards the end… so yeah, a fun watch I guess but… at the same time… it’s a terrible misogynistic movie.
Rating – 7/10 – Definitely go with the MST3K version but not unwatchable
July 20 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966)
This one was a little hard to follow for me… but it’s about a spaceship crashing on the 3rd planet of a distant solar system “65”-style and kills everybody except for a little boy. So the rescue ship arrives 20 years later & the little boy is now a man… and I think he basically kidnaps (or saves?) one of the crew and falls in love with her… but then there’s all kinds of creatures & the nearby volcano is about to blow and the ship needs to be repaired or something? Maybe I should give it another watch but… it was also the MST3K version & the wife was having me do “honey-dos” when it was playing on the MST3K channel on Tubi so no pausing…
Rating – 7/10 – May be a rewatch at another time but… it was your typical 60’s sci-fi flick
July 21 – Amsterdam (2022)
Okay, so this one is David O. Russell’s latest with an all-star cast like Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Chris Rock… and it’s set in the 30s about three people who met during the first World War… but then hijinx ensue allegedly… I honestly only got about 20 minutes in when Izzy & I looked at each other and said “This is f**king lame already, right?” So we switched it off… and oddly enough… cut the Max streaming service. No, this movie didn’t make us discontinue it… but the fact that we really hadn’t watched much on it the past 8 months or so after buying the year & that was about to re-up… we just decided against it… and I have no intention of finishing this movie.
Rating – NA/10 – Though based on what I saw… probably going to be a 3 or 4 if we completed
July 22 – Robot Monster (1953)
YES, the famous 50’s sci-fi classis where the super-powerful, super-intelligent alien being that has essentially wiped out humanity (with the exception of a family of five that was in a cave protected by some magical scientific McGuffin) was a guy in an ape costume wearing a diving helmet… and hijinx ensue when he ends up being the worst mastermind in cinematic history? Okay, it’s not that bad… and it’s a lot of fun to make fun of it MST3K style… but yeah, YOU could make a better movie than this. Holy crap, the bubble death ray or whatever… hilarious…
Rating – 7/10 – I feel like everybody should watch this at least once… just so I can yell at people “RO-MAN!!!”
July 23 – The Giant Gila Monster (1959)
I know I’ve seen this one before but I think it was before I was doing this… but yeah, 50’s sci-fi about a giant gila monster destroying a small Texas town… or at least a 1:128 scale version of it… and hijinx ensue when a teenager is the only one that can stop it… but after the big barn dance or whatever… because it’s the 50’s. OF COURSE this was another MST3K watch… and yeah, it delivers what it promises… that’s about all you need to know really.
Rating – 6/10 – Recommend the MST3K version but the movie is… yeah, you’ve probably seen it or something just like it
July 24 – Lord of War (2005)
Nicolas Cage is a Ukrainian-American gun runner, based on an all too true story (or at least an amalgamation of several gun runners), and if you’ve seen the kind of movies where it’s the guy who gets into the seedy side of the law for “the right reasons” (money) but falls in too deep (think Goodfellas, Blow, Scarface, etc.) you’ve basically seen this movie… but it was surprisingly memorable from when I first saw it 15 years ago. Cage is great even when subdued… Jared Leto as his brother is a tolerable coke addict who makes bad decisions when in small doses… and I love me some Eamonn Walker in anything (“Oz” & “Blood & Bone”) but have him as warlord Chuck Taylor with his name changed to protect the tyrannical (same with Col. Southern & everybody else in this movie) and yeah, I’d say check it out.
Rating – 9/10 – You’ll want to go buy a gun or two & sell a million others… at least I think that was the intention of the movie, check it out on the podcast
July 25 – World Trade Center (2006)
Yup, we finally watched the 9/11 movie starring Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena & friend of the podcast John C. McGinley (for a cup of coffee) and directed by Oliver Stone. I had no idea what to expect with Stone’s world views, Cage’s prowess as an actor, the controversial subject matter… or the fact that it’s “based on the accounts of the survivors” which is basically what history is, right? In the end though, check out the August podcast episode for specifics but… it was a lot of emotional manipulation, of course… but overall, a solid little movie. Is this one I’m going to watch a bunch of times like Face/Off or Congo? Of course not… does it go into 9/11 a lot, NO it just sticks to the story of the two survivors & their families leaving all the rest to news spots on television really… but would I recommend it?
Rating – 7/10 – Not essential… but well done for what it is
Not to end on a 9/11 joke but... never forget to listen to our new episodes...
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Yet another week, yet another seven movies... but some interesting ones...
July 12 – Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby (1999)
Okay, I had heard about this one… primarily because it has a Vinegar Syndrome release now and it has little to nothing to do with the original Freeway other than where the original was a modern retelling of Little Red Riding Hood (but with cars), this one is a retelling of Hansel & Gretel (with bolemia, murder, insanity, drug use, rape, sex trafficking & anything else to get a rise out of people). Natasha Lyonne stars the same year as her breakout “American Pie” and until the title came on… I was pretty sure that I was watching “Orange is the New Black” but from the director of “Tiptoes” (Matthew Bright). About the time David Alan Grier was getting a handy in the courthouse hearing that his client (Lyonne) & her cellmate escaped prison like Day 2 to head towards Mexico on a drug-fueled rampage that I’m not quite sure anybody else knew about… I started to realize that this movie wasn’t that good. Sure, I had no idea what was going to happen but… I was pretty sure that it was going to be confusing, nonsensical, over-the-top illicit to try to get a reaction out of the “normies” watching it but… there’s just not a whole lot going on that I was intrigued by. That being said… I may talk about it on the podcast one day in detail… because there are a few interesting things for brief moments… and as long as it’s free on Tubi… if you want to watch a “I can make Natural Born Killers on a budget” kind of movie, sure… why not?
Rating – 6/10 – Would probably only watch it again for a podcast episode… but not dreading the experience
July 13 – The Lure (2015)
How would you like to watch a Criterion movie?!? What if I told you that it was a Polish erotic thriller musical involving two underage mermaid sisters becoming a singing sensation at a strip club… and then one of them decides to start eating perverts while the other is trying to become a human when she falls in love with the less-than-stellar son of the club owner, who if he decides to marry somebody else then she’ll turn to sea foam? Oh… and hijinx ensue. Yes, there are subtitles, and though I’m sure there’s a dubbed version too… why? The original sound is great… and the subtitles are actually pretty good too, even the songs still rhyme for the most part in English translation. This was… an interesting movie that I really enjoyed once I looked it up and though the girls are underage in the story, they’re played by a 23 & 25 year old but… yeah, it can be rough for the novice movie watcher… but damn it, the movie was intriguing, beautifully shot, and very reminiscent of something like “Let The Right One In” with that European edge to it.
Rating – 10/10 – Would highly recommend checking it out but not for everybody
July 14 – Village of the Giants (1965)
This is a silly 60’s flick about some twenty-something teenagers (like Beau Bridges?) ingesting some goo that little boy genius Ron Howard made… and so they grow 50 feet tall & terrorize a city under a tyrannical rule… and hijinx ensue? It’s pretty ridiculous… and the visual effects are pretty laughable yet in a good way… but yeah, the whole time I was like “f**k them teenagers! Bullets will still take care of them… and they’ll starve in a week” so whatever. Of course this was an MST3K watch… and that’s great as usual… but the movie itself is pretty hilariously bad.
Rating – 6/10 – Definitely watch with MST3K crew!
July 15 – Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
Nicolas Cage is an assassin who’s doing one last job in Thailand… and he takes a local under his wing (for some reason) to teach how to be an assassin… and hijinx ensue. Okay, I’ve seen a LOT of assassin movies… but this is probably one of the worst. Yes, there’s the usual situation of an assassin who’s done things for so long, they become disillusioned, and they start going against their simple & effective rules… and that’s when they f**k up & get in real danger… but this movie in particular was REALLY stupid with why… because there’s really no reason expressed, even a bad reason. He’s just kind of like “Okay, here’s a gun” and training montage for a guy he met 48 hours earlier and has f**ked up twice since then… then he starts dating a deaf pharmacist that he can’t communicate with because… I guess, any port in a storm? Some of the assassination setups are the absolute WORST situations you can imagine… and all by his own doing… and yeah, hijinx ensue. Nic Cage is also easily replaceable with any other actor (or actress really).
Rating – 4/10 – Honestly, watch something like “The Mechanic” to “Grosse Point Blanke” for a better assassin experience
July 16 – The Whale (2022)
Brendan Fraser won an Academy Award for being in this Darren Aronofsky film based on a play about a 600-pound depressed man who is on death’s door because of congestive heart failure… and wants to reconnect with his teenage daughter… and hijinx ensue. First off, Brendan Fraser & Hong Chau give INCREDIBLE performances based on what they’re given. They get all the accolades. The teenage daughter… did not care for one bit. She’s absolutely horrible. Sure, it may be the character that she was going for… but at the same time… zero f**ks given about the performance too… nor Tyler Simpkins as the other teenage Mormon… sorry, New Life or whatever they called it missionary boy. The movie was… okay. Again, Brendan deserved an award for the movie & what he went through to make this movie… but it just didn’t grab me when most of the other characters were involved.
Rating – 6/10 – The ending was basically infuriating too, even though it was supposed to be inspiring, I think? Meh…
July 17 – 65 (2023)
Adam Driver blasting dinosaurs… How? Why? Where? How many? Wanna know?
Rating - ???/10 – See you this DINOvember on the podcast…
July 18 – Snake Eyes (1998)
Nicolas Cage & Brian DePalma, together at last! Nic is a crooked cop who finds himself in the middle of a political assassination during a prize fight in a new casino during a hurricane & hijinx ensue when nothing is what it seems. This movie is… interesting. There are a lot of great DePalma shots with looooooong one-takes, multiple perspectives, point of view camera work, and weaving a quilt of all the scenes in flashbacks that is actually pretty well done. However, the movie is not… awe-inspiring or really even completely sensical but apparently there were some cuts made to the film that… I’d like to think filled those in but… an interesting watch.
Rating – 8/10 – Recommend but there’s a lot of things in it that’ll leave you scratching your head
See you next week for Pioneer Day here in Utah!!!
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing