Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Guys... I've been f**king busy... my mother-in-law is moving in, I'm doing four jobs at work (actually more like 8-9) and I'm just not getting the movies in like usual. Oh & any moment where I have a few minutes we're usually watching half an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" (up to season 11 right now) or "The Highlander" (just started season 5). Sigh... I need a vacation... and just in time for winter... but here are some movies that I have seen... September 14 – RoboWoman (2019) A woman is leaving a company (I assume retiring because she’s played by a 65-year old (Dawna Lee Heising, check out her story… it’s crazy)) and decides to finally go on a date with a persistent coworker… and as luck would have it… he & his buddies (including special needs brother) end up raping her to death. Well, she’s rebuilt as RoboWoman… and she exacts revenge… and oh man, this movie was hilariously rough to watch. The actors are… I don’t even think actors, probably the lead’s friends. This lady stars in about a dozen movies a year… but I assume it’s because she’s just financing them through drug trafficking or something… but yeah, it’s 1.3/10 on IMDb. Now, like I said… it’s hilarious to watch from a bad movie making standpoint… but yeah, it’s ridiculous… and there are SEQUELS!!! Rating – 4/10 – Kudos to her for making an independent movie… but that’s about it September 17 – The Last Man on Earth (1964) This is the Vincent Price adaptation of “I Am Legend” about the supposed last man on Earth after a global pandemic turns all humans into… I don’t know, vampire-zombies?!? Night of the Living Dead wasn’t until a few years later but… they’re basically zombies just kinda stumbling around… and so Vincent Price is going door-to-door looking for other surviving humans… and of course eradicating any sleeping zombie-vampires & tossing them into a burning corpse pile outside of town… and hijinx ensue. I’ve really liked this movie for years… mostly because it’s Vincent Price… and it’s just kinda dumb… and then twists happen… and it’s even better… but honestly it made me want to watch “The Omega Man” again. Not “I Am Legend” though… they killed the dog. Rating – 8/10 – Worth a watch… just for cultural context or something September 20 – The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023) From the director of “Troll Hunter” comes a full two-hour movie based on the captain’s log chapter from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (which was almost completely skipped in the Francis Ford Coppola movie aside from a little voiceover). Corey Hawkins plays a man who went to Romania to be a doctor… but then they realized that he was black… and now he has a chance to get back to England about a cargo vessel called the Demeter… but little does he know, it’s transporting a few dozen boxes for a Count Dracula… and hijinx ensue. This movie was pretty good with the typical “Alien” kind of format… with the dark atmosphere aboard an isolated location & slow reveal of the monster (which you know is going to be overused in the climax)… and the acting was decent… in fact, I really enjoyed how good & brutal this movie was… though towards the end of the movie, the whole plot kind of falls apart for me (You know where he sleeps & that sunlight kills him… I guess you’ll just have to expose it to the morning light) but I’m sure they didn’t have the means to bring out the box or something… aside from that, it could have been trimmed a little bit… and the sequel beg at the end is interesting… but unfortunately nobody saw it in theatres because it came out the same time as Barbenheimer, TMNT & a bunch of other stuff… check it out if you can though. Rating – 9/10 – Decent horror flick… great performances September 23 – Roboman Hakaider (1995) This is apparently a movie that was made based on a famous Japanese character (basically RoboCop) but was featured on a Satanic Temple movie night… and it wasn’t half bad. Basically in a post-apocalyptic future (Japan corporations, not Australian wasteland) there a corporation/government and a rebellion… and Hakaider is a stormtrooper who basically is an earlier model who turns good & helps out the rebellion… and hijinx ensue… and man, if you want to see RoboCop meets Power Rangers then this is the movie for you! Rating – 8/10 – It’s on Tubi, check it out! September 26 – Joy Ride (2001) So… I thought I had seen this movie… but apparently I had just seen the trailer and maybe the last 5 minutes back in the day… and where that may seem like enough (and it kinda is) there’s a bunch to this movie that I didn’t know. Basically a P-whipped Paul Walker is driving from Berkeley to Colorado to pick up a girl he’s been crushing on for years but they were separated by college & she’s recently single. Along the way, he picks up his brother out of jail in SLC (Steve Zahn) and he invites himself along… and hijinx ensue when they f**k around on a CB radio for some reason… and movie gotta movie until people are killed & road games are played when an evil (and omnipotent) trucker is on their tail. Is it a great movie? Of course not… in fact, there’s so much wrong with this movie that I don’t know where to begin (the fun facts about the making of the movie is a good way to start though if you want to try to understand why this movie feels so… disjointed). However, if you’re looking for a movie where young people are in danger of coming upon their up’ns then this movie is for you… to a certain extent. Rating – 7/10 – I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse in this genre… but hey, RIP Paul Walker See you in October!!! Steve
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Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Join us this Saturday at Harvest Moon Festival, Ogden Farmers Market & the Pharoah's Scotter Club 30th Anniversary party!!! I'm also teaching Paracord classes on Sunday at The Local Artisan Collective!!! But until then... September 7 – The Dungeonmaster / Ragewar (1984) This is the story of a computer programmer who’s developing AI (at the neglect of his girlfriend) when all of a sudden… a demonic wizard challenges him to a duel of the wits or something INSIDE THE COMPUTER (though it’s a leftover sword & sorcery set?) so basically it’s kind of a Dungeons & Dragons computer game movie? Richard Moll is the wizard so… that’s pretty great! I think this was a Full Moon production… or at least I know Charles Band was one of the directors… basically each of the challenges has a different director doing a section… and it kind of shows… but it also kind of works in a weird way. For as absolutely ridiculous as this movie was… I really enjoyed it! Most of the directors were makeup & special effects guys getting a shot at doing a quick 5-10 minute scene and… though a lot of the story is kind out there & nonsensical… it’s an interesting little anthology. Rating - 8/10 – Give it a shot… it’s on Tubi, you might like it September 8 – Feeders (1996) This was a Rifftrax watch… and the movie is basically two kids from Pennsylvania making their own movie in the mid-90’s. The story is there’s these two guys driving around taking pictures & doing a road trip… but then aliens land and start feeding on the humans… and the aliens are basically hand puppets… so it’s extra ridiculous. The acting is crap. The story is nonsensical. There are a lot of scenes of just walking to pad out the run time. Basically the appeal of this movie requires the likes of Rifftrax or some fun friends making fun of how dumb the movie is… and also just the thought of these two filmmakers during the process of the film going “Perfect! Cut! Next scene!” Rating – 4/10 – It’s about an hour long is all… and that definitely helps enjoyment September 9 – Meg 2: The Trench (2023) YES!!! The 3rd greatest shark movie all time (behind Deep Blue Sea & Jaws 3D) FINALLY gets a sequel! In this one, Jason Statham as Jonas Hamstat-Taylor is back to save everybody after they’ve gone back into the underlayer of the ocean that the first Megalodon came from, to do research because… there’s a bunch of ridiculous animals down there… like fish-raptors?!? Anyway, hijinx ensue when they find out there’s a mining company down there too… explosion… things released into the Philippine Sea… and place literally called Fun Island. Now, this movie was ridiculous… but not like the first one… beyond ridiculous on a scientific level… and yes, I’m talking about the fish-raptors… and it BLATANTLY steals from ALL the animal horror hits, not just Jaws… but Jurassic Park… and even to the level of Day of the Animals. That being said, I knew this going in… was prepared for it… and still thought it was… okay. Rating – 8/10 – I support dumb movies sometimes… especially when they blatantly pattern to China… I mean, the audience September 10 – Mallrats (1995) This movie came out when I was 14 and was my introduction to Kevin Smith movies… of which… eh, about half of them are watchable… and there may not have been a good one since Clerks 2. In this movie, two a-holes (Jeremy London & Jason Lee) are single now that their hot girlfriends have realized that they’re a-holes… so they go to the mall to drown their sorrows. Then they find out that a game show ran by one of the girl’s father is being held at the mall, that simply will not stand… so they make plans to destroy his (and her) livelihood. Hilarity ensues. So why do I like this movie? Well, again I was 14 when it came out… and it is basically a live action cartoon… and Sven Ole Thorsen plays LaFours in a criminally underrated Chaplin-esque performance. Does it have dull parts? Of course. Does it age like fine milk? Totally. Does it originate the Stan Lee cameo? Marvel, you HACKS!!! So how do I feel about it now? Rating – 9/10 – I still enjoy it… but yeah, the two leads are absolutely unworthy of happiness September 11 – Moon Zero Two (1969) This was an MST3K watch about a space salvage worker getting involved with other space salvage workers who want to hijack an entire asteroid made out of sapphire by crashing it into the moon… and hijinx ensue. I think watching this movie, it was set in 2024 (because that was 55 years into the future when it was made) which is a lot of fun given how advanced we are now… but yeah, it’s kind of a dumb, fun almost like spy movie on the moon… with past future technology… and a lot of things that I swear I saw in resent movies like “Ad Astra” and “Gravity” but… on a budget. Rating – 8/10 – Yeah, why not give it a watch? Especially with MST3K… September 12 – One Got Fat (1963) We watched a Satanic Temple Movie Night… and this was a 15-minute bicycle safety film… but it has about a dozen kids with monkey faces & tails… and almost all of them meet violent ends by not following the rules of the road! Check it out on YouTube… Rating – 9/10 – Hilarous & informative!!! September 13 – The Burning Moon (1992) This was a German movie that we watched on Satanic Temple Movie Night… and it follows a teenage drug addict who’s telling his little sister a pair of bedtime stories… the first about a serial killer who escapes an insane asylum… and then immediately goes on a blind date… and hijinx ensue. The other is about a psychotic priest killing a bunch of people in a town (including a few people who look just like him?) but yeah… this was a splatter horror movie with lots of blood, violence, profanity, drug use, all that fun stuff… but also looks like it was shot with a handheld camera that was probably in East Germany… Rating – 7/10 – Not the greatest… but hey, if it’s your jam, go for it… Got a few humdingers lined up for next week... see you then!!! Steve Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Busy week... but here are a few movies that I've seen... August 31 – Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967) This one is about a couple country singers & their manager getting stranded at a haunted house (though a neighbor country band also randomly shows up for a number) and there’s some old dudes in the basement (John Carradine & Lon Chaney jr with help from Basil Rathbone) doing weird experiments with an ape… hijinx ensue… but mostly horribly bad country numbers as this movie is mostly just a vehicle that. The lead actresses tits were quite amazing (and apparently it was chilly on set) but yeah, this was an MST3K watch and… I feel bad for people who had to go to theaters when this was popular. Rating – 3/10 – I can think of two things that were great to see on the screen… September 1 – Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) A depressed musician (Tom Hiddleston) gets a call from his former lover (Tilda Swinton) who flies from Morocco to hang out with him in Detroit… and then they just kind of be depressed and moody & pointless for about an hour… until an unexpected former acquaintance (Mia Wasikowska) shows up and f**ks things up… and I’d like to say hijinx ensue… but it really doesn’t. Oh, did I mention that they were all vampires? Good… because it doesn’t matter… I fill like this is just director Jim Jarmusch writing a boring mopey emo tale and then thinking nobody will watch this tripe… oh! Unless I make them vampires or something?!? Yes, it’s beautifully (pretentiously) shot but… yeah, no point to watching it in my opinion. Rating – 4/10 – Maybe I’m being hard on it but… was watching it at 1.5x after a while and it was still too damn slow September 2 – Fugitive Alien (1986) This was an MST3K watch (we’d seen the sequel already and it’s also nuts) but it’s a Japanese sci-fi movie where an alien race is attacking the Earth… but then one of their own goes Finn from Star Wars and decides that he doesn’t want to kill humans anymore… so now they’re trying to take him out… and hijinx ensue. This movie was… an absolutely mess. I really wish that I could tell you character motivations, arcs, or really even any of them apart except for the one girl & Jo Shishido (the giant cheeks guy) but… yeah, I was laughing at the jokes more than anything else. The story is just all over the place & nonsensical. Rating – 4/10 – Still a fun watch with the jokes… September 3 – The Blackening (2023) Seven friends go to an AirBNB cabin for the weekend as a ten year reunion or something… but then they find out that there’s a killer (and a Sambo board game?) that’s going to kill them all… unless they can play the game involving horror movie knowledge… and even then, probably end up killing them. It’s a horror-comedy where all the characters are African-American (except for deputy Diedrich Bader who has a cameo) and the joke tagline is “They all can’t die first” which is perfection… and the movie was pretty hilarious. A lot of N-words… to the point that I was getting a lot of “A Haunted House” vibes about halfway through but… yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out if you like pseudo-meta horror movies. Rating – 8/10 – LOTS of N-words that I’m not allowed to enjoy… September 4 – Viva Knievel! (1977) This is a movie made starring legendary stuntman Evel Knievel in… let’s face it, an absolutely BS story glorifying his image. There’s action scenes where he jumps over lion, tigers & fire… but there’s no mention of his wife & kids… instead his love interest is Lauren Hutton… and his mechanic is Gene Kelly… who also has his son join the team… and hijinx ensue. Cameron Mitchell & Leslie Nielsen show up to… and there’s a plot about a rich guy trying to kill Evel in the most convoluted way possible… and yeah, it’s nonsense & much like the Evel Knievel traveling circus you’re basically watching to see him crash & potentially die. Rating – 7/10 – It’s an interesting timepiece in filmmaking about a pretty deplorable human being who became iconic… but I’d recommend the Rifftrax version September 5 – The Pumaman (1980) MST3K watch of the superhero classic… about a white guy professor who finds out that he’s descendant of Aztec gods (and aliens?) so now he has superpowers… and the guidance of a giant Aztec priest (who’s the real hero of the movie) to help bring down the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance) who’s using a Puma mask to hypnotize & control people… including world leaders. This movie is… ridiculously bad… and the green screen stuff is bad… but yeah, making fun of it was fun. Rating – 6/10 – Rough watch without the jokes… September 6 – The Rebel Set (1959) This was another MST3K watch about three beatnik criminals looking to rob an armored car… but then hijinx ensue when they are betrayed!!! It’s pretty boring & there’s a lot of random beatnik club scene dancing or something… but run time is required. Not really a whole lot else memorable about this movie. Rating – 5/10 – Pass without the MST3K jokes… Have a great week everybody!!! Steve |
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing Archives
December 2024
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