Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

You guessed it... I watched movies this week...

July 19 – Swamp Women / Swamp Diamonds (1956)
 
This was an MST3K version, but it’s about an undercover policewoman teaming up with three convicts to escape from prison & then lead her to a fortune in stolen diamonds that they stashed in the middle of the bayou. Along the way, they pick up some guy… and hijinx ensue… directed by Roger Corman. Yes, the woman are primped & busty… and the guy can seemingly do no wrong… including all the women wanting him… and there’s just some crazy stuff that happens towards the end… so yeah, a fun watch I guess but… at the same time… it’s a terrible misogynistic movie.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Definitely go with the MST3K version but not unwatchable
 
July 20 – Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966)
 
This one was a little hard to follow for me… but it’s about a spaceship crashing on the 3rd planet of a distant solar system “65”-style and kills everybody except for a little boy. So the rescue ship arrives 20 years later & the little boy is now a man… and I think he basically kidnaps (or saves?) one of the crew and falls in love with her… but then there’s all kinds of creatures & the nearby volcano is about to blow and the ship needs to be repaired or something? Maybe I should give it another watch but… it was also the MST3K version & the wife was having me do “honey-dos” when it was playing on the MST3K channel on Tubi so no pausing…
 
Rating – 7/10 – May be a rewatch at another time but… it was your typical 60’s sci-fi flick
 
July 21 – Amsterdam (2022)
 
Okay, so this one is David O. Russell’s latest with an all-star cast like Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Chris Rock… and it’s set in the 30s about three people who met during the first World War… but then hijinx ensue allegedly… I honestly only got about 20 minutes in when Izzy & I looked at each other and said “This is f**king lame already, right?” So we switched it off… and oddly enough… cut the Max streaming service. No, this movie didn’t make us discontinue it… but the fact that we really hadn’t watched much on it the past 8 months or so after buying the year & that was about to re-up… we just decided against it… and I have no intention of finishing this movie.
 
Rating – NA/10 – Though based on what I saw… probably going to be a 3 or 4 if we completed
 
July 22 – Robot Monster (1953)
 
YES, the famous 50’s sci-fi classis where the super-powerful, super-intelligent alien being that has essentially wiped out humanity (with the exception of a family of five that was in a cave protected by some magical scientific McGuffin) was a guy in an ape costume wearing a diving helmet… and hijinx ensue when he ends up being the worst mastermind in cinematic history? Okay, it’s not that bad… and it’s a lot of fun to make fun of it MST3K style… but yeah, YOU could make a better movie than this. Holy crap, the bubble death ray or whatever… hilarious…
 
Rating – 7/10 – I feel like everybody should watch this at least once… just so I can yell at people “RO-MAN!!!”
 
July 23 – The Giant Gila Monster (1959)
 
I know I’ve seen this one before but I think it was before I was doing this… but yeah, 50’s sci-fi about a giant gila monster destroying a small Texas town… or at least a 1:128 scale version of it… and hijinx ensue when a teenager is the only one that can stop it… but after the big barn dance or whatever… because it’s the 50’s. OF COURSE this was another MST3K watch… and yeah, it delivers what it promises… that’s about all you need to know really.
 
Rating – 6/10 – Recommend the MST3K version but the movie is… yeah, you’ve probably seen it or something just like it
 
July 24 – Lord of War (2005)
 
Nicolas Cage is a Ukrainian-American gun runner, based on an all too true story (or at least an amalgamation of several gun runners), and if you’ve seen the kind of movies where it’s the guy who gets into the seedy side of the law for “the right reasons” (money) but falls in too deep (think Goodfellas, Blow, Scarface, etc.) you’ve basically seen this movie… but it was surprisingly memorable from when I first saw it 15 years ago. Cage is great even when subdued… Jared Leto as his brother is a tolerable coke addict who makes bad decisions when in small doses… and I love me some Eamonn Walker in anything (“Oz” & “Blood & Bone”) but have him as warlord Chuck Taylor with his name changed to protect the tyrannical (same with Col. Southern & everybody else in this movie) and yeah, I’d say check it out.
 
Rating – 9/10 – You’ll want to go buy a gun or two & sell a million others… at least I think that was the intention of the movie, check it out on the podcast
 
July 25 – World Trade Center (2006)
 
Yup, we finally watched the 9/11 movie starring Nicolas Cage, Michael Pena & friend of the podcast John C. McGinley (for a cup of coffee) and directed by Oliver Stone. I had no idea what to expect with Stone’s world views, Cage’s prowess as an actor, the controversial subject matter… or the fact that it’s “based on the accounts of the survivors” which is basically what history is, right? In the end though, check out the August podcast episode for specifics but… it was a lot of emotional manipulation, of course… but overall, a solid little movie. Is this one I’m going to watch a bunch of times like Face/Off or Congo? Of course not… does it go into 9/11 a lot, NO it just sticks to the story of the two survivors & their families leaving all the rest to news spots on television really… but would I recommend it?
 
Rating – 7/10 – Not essential… but well done for what it is

Not to end on a 9/11 joke but... never forget to listen to our new episodes...

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yet another week, yet another seven movies... but some interesting ones...

July 12 – Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby (1999)
 
Okay, I had heard about this one… primarily because it has a Vinegar Syndrome release now and it has little to nothing to do with the original Freeway other than where the original was a modern retelling of Little Red Riding Hood (but with cars), this one is a retelling of Hansel & Gretel (with bolemia, murder, insanity, drug use, rape, sex trafficking & anything else to get a rise out of people). Natasha Lyonne stars the same year as her breakout “American Pie” and until the title came on… I was pretty sure that I was watching “Orange is the New Black” but from the director of “Tiptoes” (Matthew Bright). About the time David Alan Grier was getting a handy in the courthouse hearing that his client (Lyonne) & her cellmate escaped prison like Day 2 to head towards Mexico on a drug-fueled rampage that I’m not quite sure anybody else knew about… I started to realize that this movie wasn’t that good. Sure, I had no idea what was going to happen but… I was pretty sure that it was going to be confusing, nonsensical, over-the-top illicit to try to get a reaction out of the “normies” watching it but… there’s just not a whole lot going on that I was intrigued by. That being said… I may talk about it on the podcast one day in detail… because there are a few interesting things for brief moments… and as long as it’s free on Tubi… if you want to watch a “I can make Natural Born Killers on a budget” kind of movie, sure… why not?
 
Rating – 6/10 – Would probably only watch it again for a podcast episode… but not dreading the experience
 
July 13 – The Lure (2015)
 
How would you like to watch a Criterion movie?!? What if I told you that it was a Polish erotic thriller musical involving two underage mermaid sisters becoming a singing sensation at a strip club… and then one of them decides to start eating perverts while the other is trying to become a human when she falls in love with the less-than-stellar son of the club owner, who if he decides to marry somebody else then she’ll turn to sea foam? Oh… and hijinx ensue. Yes, there are subtitles, and though I’m sure there’s a dubbed version too… why? The original sound is great… and the subtitles are actually pretty good too, even the songs still rhyme for the most part in English translation. This was… an interesting movie that I really enjoyed once I looked it up and though the girls are underage in the story, they’re played by a 23 & 25 year old but… yeah, it can be rough for the novice movie watcher… but damn it, the movie was intriguing, beautifully shot, and very reminiscent of something like “Let The Right One In” with that European edge to it.
 
Rating – 10/10 – Would highly recommend checking it out but not for everybody
 
July 14 – Village of the Giants (1965)
 
This is a silly 60’s flick about some twenty-something teenagers (like Beau Bridges?) ingesting some goo that little boy genius Ron Howard made… and so they grow 50 feet tall & terrorize a city under a tyrannical rule… and hijinx ensue? It’s pretty ridiculous… and the visual effects are pretty laughable yet in a good way… but yeah, the whole time I was like “f**k them teenagers! Bullets will still take care of them… and they’ll starve in a week” so whatever. Of course this was an MST3K watch… and that’s great as usual… but the movie itself is pretty hilariously bad.
 
Rating – 6/10 – Definitely watch with MST3K crew!
 
July 15 – Bangkok Dangerous (2008)
 
Nicolas Cage is an assassin who’s doing one last job in Thailand… and he takes a local under his wing (for some reason) to teach how to be an assassin… and hijinx ensue. Okay, I’ve seen a LOT of assassin movies… but this is probably one of the worst. Yes, there’s the usual situation of an assassin who’s done things for so long, they become disillusioned, and they start going against their simple & effective rules… and that’s when they f**k up & get in real danger… but this movie in particular was REALLY stupid with why… because there’s really no reason expressed, even a bad reason. He’s just kind of like “Okay, here’s a gun” and training montage for a guy he met 48 hours earlier and has f**ked up twice since then… then he starts dating a deaf pharmacist that he can’t communicate with because… I guess, any port in a storm? Some of the assassination setups are the absolute WORST situations you can imagine… and all by his own doing… and yeah, hijinx ensue. Nic Cage is also easily replaceable with any other actor (or actress really).
 
Rating – 4/10 – Honestly, watch something like “The Mechanic” to “Grosse Point Blanke” for a better assassin experience
 
July 16 – The Whale (2022)
 
Brendan Fraser won an Academy Award for being in this Darren Aronofsky film based on a play about a 600-pound depressed man who is on death’s door because of congestive heart failure… and wants to reconnect with his teenage daughter… and hijinx ensue. First off, Brendan Fraser & Hong Chau give INCREDIBLE performances based on what they’re given. They get all the accolades. The teenage daughter… did not care for one bit. She’s absolutely horrible. Sure, it may be the character that she was going for… but at the same time… zero f**ks given about the performance too… nor Tyler Simpkins as the other teenage Mormon… sorry, New Life or whatever they called it missionary boy. The movie was… okay. Again, Brendan deserved an award for the movie & what he went through to make this movie… but it just didn’t grab me when most of the other characters were involved.
 
Rating – 6/10 – The ending was basically infuriating too, even though it was supposed to be inspiring, I think? Meh…
 
July 17 – 65 (2023)
 
Adam Driver blasting dinosaurs… How? Why? Where? How many? Wanna know?
 
Rating - ???/10 – See you this DINOvember on the podcast…
 
July 18 – Snake Eyes (1998)
 
Nicolas Cage & Brian DePalma, together at last! Nic is a crooked cop who finds himself in the middle of a political assassination during a prize fight in a new casino during a hurricane & hijinx ensue when nothing is what it seems. This movie is… interesting. There are a lot of great DePalma shots with looooooong one-takes, multiple perspectives, point of view camera work, and weaving a quilt of all the scenes in flashbacks that is actually pretty well done. However, the movie is not… awe-inspiring or really even completely sensical but apparently there were some cuts made to the film that… I’d like to think filled those in but… an interesting watch.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Recommend but there’s a lot of things in it that’ll leave you scratching your head

See you next week for Pioneer Day here in Utah!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yup, we've seen a few movies... some of them are good...

July 5 – 10 to Midnight (1983)
 
Charles Bronson + Cannon Films = Cinematic experience in my book! This was a first time watch though… and it’s a doozy. Okay, so there’s this twenty-something creeper guy running around killing people (buck naked so as not to get blood on his clothes?) but because of how meticulous he is, the cops can’t get him for anything… even though he’s an absolute creeper & yeah, there’s evidence… but whatever. Detective Charlie Bronson is on the case though… and then eventually he’s fired for planting evidence on the killer & admitting to it... and hijinx ensue from there when you start to question who you’re rooting for, if anyone! That being said… as much as this is an absolutely ridiculous movie with a lot of questionable things involving rape, racism, kink shaming, etc. I still had a fun time watching this absolute clusterf**k that you really don’t know what’s going to happen from one scene to another.
 
Rating – 8/10 – If you’re into vigilante justice movies, this is one for you!
 
July 6 – Big & Hairy (1998)
 
This is one of those “there’s nothing in the rule book” movies where a new kid moves to Smalltown from Big City and is unpopular because he’s on the basketball team (what?) but nobody will pass him the ball (because they don’t know how to play the sport), but then he meets the local sasquatch, allegedly he’s also 12 years old, so then he joins the team and Teen Wolf’s his way to the top… but then, squatch gets homesick… and hijinx ensue. Look… this wasn’t a horrible watch. I’ve seen a number of Air Bud & Most Valuable Primate type movies now… and this is one of those.
 
Rating – 7/10 – My biggest gripe was the coach not teaching anybody how to play f**king basketball!!!
 
July 7 – Sometimes They Come Back (1991)
 
Based on a Stephen King story (of course), a man (Tim Matheson) brings his family back to his hometown for the first time in 27 years (trope) which appears to be in Maine (trope) which he left because his brother was brutally murdered by evil greasers (who hurt you, Stephen?) and now the greasers have come back (trope) from their sudden mode of transportation-related death (trope) to kill him… for some reason. It’s not a horrible movie by any means… it’s just hard to get behind when it’s so out there, and the main character won’t tell anybody, or just f**king leave. “But Steve, they might come after him” really? How?!? Something even stupider then they’ve been waiting 27 years until he comes back to the specific town? Maybe… but it’s a pretty easy first move. I also wanted to know more about the incident of the main guy being a teacher who hucked a kid out the window or something so that the only teaching job he could get was back in his old hometown… but that’s not really dived into… maybe it’s in the book that I’ll never read.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Stephen King formula to the word, good but not great
 
July 8 – Mr. Go (2013)
 
There’s nothing in the rule book that says you can’t have a circus gorilla play in the Korean professional baseball leagues! Yeah, so a little Chinese girl (maybe 13?) is running a circus after the man that raised her dies & she… I guess inherits it along with his debt… but then some Korean baseball agent sees their trick of the gorilla Ling Ling hitting baseballs & has an idea to bring him to the Korean leagues… show off the skills for hitting home runs… and then get a HUGE contract with the Japanese or American leagues… and hijinx ensue. This movie… was better than I thought it was going to be. It’s hilarious at points… a little heart-wrenching at others… the CGI isn’t horrible… and for being over two hours long (yeah, I know… HOW?!?) it was a pretty fun watch.
 
Rating – 9/10 – I’d watch it again for another Ape-ril!!! It’s on Tubi, check it out!
 
July 9 – Cry Wilderness (1987)
 
This one came recommended after watching “Big & Hairy” so yes, it’s a sasquatch movie… with a 2.1/10 rating on IMDb so… prepared for some bad stuff. It’s about this kid named Paul who’s visited in the night by a bigfoot who TELLS HIM that his father is in danger, in the wilderness where he’s been hunting alleged sasquatch for the local sheriff or something. He also gives him this pendant used to… I guess summon him… and they occasionally run into other ghosts of the forest when Paul goes to try to help his dad… and there’s other hunters who may have alternative motives… and the sasquatch is played by the dad so… yeah, it’s not the greatest. That being said… may be coming soon on the podcast.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Better squatch movies out there… but worth it for a drunk watch with friends
 
July 10 – Space Truckers (1996)
 
From the director of “Re-Animator” comes this tale of the not-too-distant future where there are truckers in space. One of them (Dennis Hopper) runs afoul of the big trucking company when the boss (George Wendt) is sucked out of an open port into the vacuum of space after trying to screw DH over… so now he’s on the run with the waitress-fiance trying to get to Earth (Debbie Mazur) and a trucker-in-training (Stephen Dorff) and hijinx ensue. Now… I really enjoyed this one! It’s a lot of practical effects (I really liked the 2001-esque circular diner) and just fun weirdness, especially when we get to the space pirates (led by cyborg Charles Dance) who also has an army of ultimate android weapons… but it can be a little crass at times too. Honestly though, I’d say check it out!
 
Rating – 9/10 – Would love to dissect this one on a second watch… but yeah, better than expected based on the title
 
July 11 – Hardware Wars (1978)
 
Okay, this was a short that I had heard about through Izzy’s family making occasional references that I just thought they were making fun of Star Wars… but apparently this guy made a 12 minute parody of Star Wars using household appliances and such… and it’s actually pretty dang good. Think Mystery Science Theatre 3000 telling you Star Wars… but nearly two decades earlier. I’m sure that you can find this on YouTube or something (should out to Satanic Temple movie night on Wednesday for providing this one) but definitely worth a watch.
 
Rating – 9/10 – Nice, tight, concise, and honestly for probably only knowing the story from watching it in theatres a few dozen times, extremely accurate to source material

Catch you next week for a few more movies...

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yes, America celebrates its 247th birthday (doesn't look a day over 218) in the traditional manner... but thankfully we've had a few new things come into fashion like using drone displays instead of fireworks so people can still get their oohs & aahs and not have to watch a quarter of the country burn every year... but I'm sure there were plenty of drone incidents that also took hands... but that's not why we're here! We're here... to find out what movies I've seen this week...

June 29 – Battle Royale (2000)
 
We talked about the Rollerball movies last week… so now I was recommended to watch the original Japanese movies about kids killing each other in sports-like combat because… Japan has 15% unemployment? Yeah, again they don’t go a whole lot into WHY they’re “randomly” killing kids (and I don’t believe they’re even being exploited on cable or the dark web) but whatever… kids with weapons killing each other in gruesome ways. #ChildMurder the movie!!! I really enjoyed it!!! Yes, it’s a violent movie… but it’s also pretty hilarious at parts. May have to show this one to Izzy since she’s such a huge Hunger Games fan but… this is done better than those movies maybe… but there’s definitely more world building in the FOUR HG movies…
 
Rating – 10/10 – My kind of crazy fun movie!!!
 
June 30 – Village of the Damned (1995)
 
I’ve always confused this movie with “Children of the Corn” & I didn’t even know that it was a John Carpenter movie?!? Basically an entire small town just kind of passes out for a few hours… and when they come to, all the women are pregnant… and give birth to alien children posing as human hybrids or something. The two main doctors are Kirstie Alley & Christopher Reeve… Mark Hamill shows up as a priest… hijinx ensue. Oh & the chick from Crocodile Dundee is in it too. This movie was… I don’t know… it just felt a little lazy. I’m not sure Carpenter gave it a damn at all. Yes, I get that I may not give a f**k about the kids (especially evil ones) but at the same time… not really threatening.
 
Rating – 7/10 – May come up on the podcast though… kinda fun at spots
 
July 1 – Giant From The Unknown (1958)
 
This was a Rifftrax viewing about scientists freeing a giant conquistador out of suspended animation in a rock (don’t worry about it) and then it runs around killing people in the forest. It’s your typical 50’s sci-fi horror flick… but it’s a fun episode of Rifftrax… and I’m glad they ended it with the same question that I had…
 
Rating – 6/10 – So who DID kill those people at the beginning of the movie since the giant wasn’t released until the 2nd Act?!?
 
July 2 – QT8: The First Eight (2019)
 
This documentary is about Quentin Tarantino and his first eight movies (Reservoir Dogs to Hateful Eight) as told by the actors, producers, etc. that he worked with rather than QT himself. Even as a QT fan, I found out a few things about him & the movies that I didn’t know… and I love the movies so, fun watch. There were only two things that were odd. First was they kept brining up Harvey Weinstein… and you kind of have to since his first six movies were done with Miramax & accusations involved several actresses that worked on the movies… but then they kind of just let it be as opposed to going more into it (I’m sure for legal reasons). Secondly… if there was one actor missing that I was most looking forward to hearing from… it’s Uma Thurman, and she was not part of the documentary. Her perspective on Pulp Fiction & collaborating with Quentin on Kill Bill and their relationship in general would have been intriguing to know more about but… the documentary also mentioned something that I didn’t know about her doing her own driving stunt during Kill Bill & giving her permanent head & back pain… so I can see why maybe she passed. Still though… intriguing…
 
Rating – 9/10 – Just a few things left out but overall a very interesting watch for a film nerd
 
July 3 – Inconceivable (2017)
 
Nic Cage & Gina Gershon back together again twenty years after being weirdly close brother & sister in “Face/Off” and now… they’re a married couple trying to have a baby. Well, they stumble upon to the perfect nanny… and decide they’d like her to be a surrogate… but then they find out that she’s not who she claims to be… and hijinx ensue. We picked this movie for our 400th Episode of the podcast (Everything I Learned From Movies, in case you didn’t know) so please check it out there… but yeah, this movie is nuts…
 
Rating - ???/10 – History of Bad Ideas joins us to talk about it!!!
 
July 4 – John Wick: Chapter 4 (2023)
 
Dog widower John Wick (Keanu) is back and on a killing spree as ALL THE ASSASSINS are after him now… and he has to do the thing to get the guy who does the things… look, I enjoy the John Wick movies… but they’re not great. Starting with the end of the 2nd one I realized it was a bunch of “honor among assassins” BS but there’s really no honor involved so it’s just JW vs. the World… and maybe he has friends that join him for a few minutes then try to kill him the next… but great action. This installment in damn near three full hours… and that’s not necessary… but thankfully a large portion of it is CRAZY F&F level action mixed with R-rated head blasting.
 
Rating – 9/10 – The Arc d’Triomphe action scene was nuts… but they all are… the story just lacks a bit

See y'all next week!

​Steve