Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Yes, it's Thanksgiving Eve and I haven't updated in a few weeks... Man, I'm busy... I don't know what else to say. Sure, it'd be great if somebody would help me & Izzy out... including the person we're helping out... but yeah, that's not the case unfortunately. HOWEVER, there are a few movies that we've seen...
November 3 – Five Night at Freddy’s (2023)
A security guard has to save his sister from sadistic murdering animatronics… you all know the story (or the basic premise at least) because you’ve been in the social zeitgeist for the last decade… and you probably watched “Willy’s Wonderland” (2021) which is the R-rated (dare I say) GOOD version of this movie. Yeah, it’s exactly the same thing… except much, much duller. I was legitimately falling asleep throughout this movie. Nobody gives a f**k about the security guard’s family drama… or the lady sheriff who shows up like “Oh, she’s not a good guy obviously… she wouldn’t give a f**k about this guy either.” Hmm… how do we improve this movie? Make it so the security guy doesn’t speak… because nobody cares… the sheriff is basically the reason he’s doing the job because the sheriff obviously knows about the murdering robots… and cut out about 30 minutes of monotonous bullsh*t drama. In other words, make it Willy’s Wonderland.
Rating – 6/10 – This was f**king rough. Sure, compared to a 10+ with the exact same premise probably doesn’t work in its favor but… pointless. Watch WW twice instead!
November 6 – Prehysteria 2 (1994)
That’s right! The little dinosaurs from the original are on a whimsical adventures are they are whisked away on a raisin crate & end up in a mansion with a latchkey kid & his hobo friend who happens to be a girl… and hijinx ensue. What happens exactly?!? Check out the podcast…
Rating - ???/10 – The podcast is Everything I Learned From Movies… and all three of these movies are on Peacock!!! Wait, three?!?
November 9 – Prehysteria 3 (1995)
That’s right! THREE!!! And in this edition… they once again get swept up in a crate of raisins… and end up in a miniature golf course with a girl rocking the worst Scottish accent ever… and her uncle owns the REAL golf course next door… and her dad is Fred Willard as the worst businessman and/or athlete sad story ever… but then little dinosaurs get involved and… listen to the podcast!
Rating - ???/10 – Available on all the major podcatchers… oh wait, this one’s the Patreon Exclusive episode!!! Patreon.com/eilfmovies
November 12 - Over the Top (1987)
Sylvester Stallone is Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver by day, arm wrestler by night, deadbeat dad always who picks up his estranged son from his military school graduation to go see his dying mother in the hospital… but also try to rekindle their relationship… spoilers, she dies & the kid acts like a kid whose mother just died… and the grandpa is rich Robert Loggia… and somehow the Arm Wrestling Championship is involved… basically I’m saying it’s the perfect movie.
Rating – 10/10 – The only flaw is that it’s a double elimination tournament
November 15 – The Horror at Party Beach (1964)
What happens when beach kids, greasers on motorcycles & radioactive sludge monsters have a big bash on the beach? Well, watch the MST3K version… it’s kinda hilarious.
Rating – 6/10 – The movie is pretty rough though in its original form
November 18 – Pterodactyl (2005)
We’re continuing DINOvember on the podcast and this is a Sci-Fi Channel original starring Coolio as a squadron leader in the dark forests of Northern Turkey… and there’s a volcano going off that lets loose dormant pterodactyl eggs… and hijinx ensue when a school paleontologist trip mixes with human traffickers. It’s almost exactly what you expect… but there are some parts of this movie that are unusual… mostly around the teacher-student relationship… but from the director of “Stunts”, “Commando” & “Showdown in Little Tokyo”
Rating – 6/10 – Rough… but don’t think for a second that there isn’t a spin-off sequel
November 21 – Haunted Mansion (2023)
Based on the Disneyland ride, there’s a Mansion (southern plantation) that’s haunted AF with 999 ghosts… you got single mom Rosario Dawson & her son moving in… they need help from some Zach Baganses (or whatever constitutes an expert in the field) and hilarity ensues. This was… more entertaining than the Eddie Murphy one… but that’s probably because of the All-Star cast… and 20+ years improvement in technology & figuring out these kinds of movies for the masses. There were definitely some parts that were… more boring than others… but yeah, I’d recommend checking it out.
Rating – 8/10 – Definitely some funny parts… and I’m pretty sure Owen Wilson was his character from “The Haunting”
Hopefully I'll see you before December... wish me luck!!!
Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
Yes, the month continues... finding a home for MIL continues... doing all of the jobs at work continues... Q4 continues with the motto "It's going to be great!" In the meantime, I saw a few movies...
October 21 – The Mad Monster (1942)
This was an MST3K watch… and it’s about a mad scientist who turns his Simple Jack employee into a werewolf in order to prove that he’s the maddest scientist in the world… and to exact revenge against his enemies!!! Sounds awesome, right? Well… this was a ROUGH watch because of the pacing & sound mixing. Sure, it may have been because this was the 3rd episode of MST3K ever made so they might have still been figuring things out… but the movie itself was a LOT of silence… and when they were talking it was like they were in a can in the bottom of the ocean… and the dialogue is crap… and the action is… well, not very action.
Rating – 4/10 – Maybe an Incomplete score but I doubt there’s a better version of this movie out there… and I’m not going to try it.
October 23 – Phantasm (1979)
Two teenage orphans (eldest might be like 20?) stumble upon a mysterious tall grave robber in their small town… and hijinx ensue when they find out that he has some pretty weird, mystical powers and a loyal army of Jawas or something? Look, my description isn’t the best… but it’s from the director of Beastmaster… and it spawned a handful of sequel over the years… and it’s definitely worth a look if you like 70’s horror that doesn’t have to necessarily have a point or mean anything. The Tall Man is creepy… the cinematography is creepy… the effects are pretty dope for the time… if you like horror, and you haven’t seen this, check it out!
Rating – 10/10 – Horror classic and the sequels are… okay, especially if you like Supernatural
October 26 – Hobgoblins (1988)
When the world’s worst security guards let out some tiny aliens out of a safe in an office building… and the aliens start killing people by making their fantasies come true… hijinx ensue! The acting is godawful… the effects are laughable puppets… the music is ridiculous… but for some reason, about the time that the army cadet starts hucking grenades around a strip club, I find myself enjoying this dumpster fire of a Gremlins ripoff.
Rating – 7/10 – It’s 2.2/10 on IMDb… but there’s some charm… and a familiar face or two (like Maynard from Pulp Fiction as the bouncer named Roadrash)
October 29 – The Fall of the House of Usher (2023)
This is the latest Netflix release from directors Mike Flanagan (Doctor Sleep & Haunting of Hell House) & Michael Fimognari (his cinematographer on those) comes the story of a billionaire American family… and how their pasts come back to destroy them in the most Edgar Allen Poe way possible. Yeah, it’s basically all of the works of Poe turned into an eight-hour miniseries… and guys… it f**king worked & is fantastic. Bruce Greenwood, Carla Gugino & dozens of other actors NAIL it… it’s dark, creepy, funny, poignant, the dialogue pops… check it out if you enjoy ANYTHING horror related.
Rating – 10/10 – EIGHT hours is a lot… but we managed to watch it all in three evenings, even after working overtime each day
October 31 – The Frighteners (1996)
Michael J Fox is a paranormal investigator who can see ghosts… and people are dying mysteriously of heart failure… and hijinx ensue. Peter Jackson’s greatest film!!! If you haven’t seen this movie, I don’t want to spoil anything… go see it now on Tubi before it’s too late!!! This movie is a classic & I thoroughly enjoy myself every single time!!! I cannot say this enough… go see this movie!!!
Rating – 10+/10 – Have you not watched it yet?!? GO!!! GO NOW!!! What’re you waiting for?!?
Have a great November everybody!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
The struggle continues... yet against all odds, we're well on the way to getting MIL adjusted to Utah and finding her a place to live & finally become an adult. In the meantime, we also watched a few movies...
October 13 – Single White Female (1992)
I had never seen this movie before… but I basically have through cultural osmosis. Tale as old as time about the recently-single woman with a rent controlled apartment in NYC (Bridget Fonda) who now needs a roommate to help pay for her palatial accommodations (like 4000 square feet?!?) so she meets this shy applicant (Jennifer Jason Leigh) who slowly but surely starts to destroy her life… while also taking on the other girl’s look… and murderous hijinx ensue when she gets back with her ex-boyfriend (Steven Weber). This movie is… dark… and honestly infuriating with regards to how the main girl handles the situation in the most plot-convenient way possible. That being said… decent suspense… and plenty of full frontal nudity… and scenes that you’ll probably remember for a long, long time. What more can I say?
Rating – 9/10 – The ending epilogue almost destroys the rest of the movie… because honestly the “good girl” would probably have to defend herself in a court of law but… nope, just credits and a “I guess I understand it all…” BOO!!! Definitely watch this movie though…
October 15 – The Fog (1980)
I don’t recall if I’ve seen this movie since I started doing these… but it’s one of Izzy’s favorites. Director John Carpenter and his follow-up to the first two Halloween movies, small coastal town is terrorized by fog on the 100th anniversary of the founding of their town… and apparently pirate ghosts are going around killing people. Tom Atkins (without the moustache) & Academy Award winner Jamie Lee Curtis try to save the day with help from the voice of Adrienne Barbeau… and hijinx ensue. This is a good little 90 minute Halloween flick… as long as you don’t try to think too much about it… I think that’s why it’s good fun watch & one of Izzy’s favorite. It’s just ridiculous enough to be mildly scary but not too real.
Rating – 9/10 – I enjoy it too… but yeah, only an annual watch because of the wife. I prefer other Carpenter flicks.
October 17 – Duel (1971)
Spielberg’s first movie… well, I guess it was a TV movie that they added a few scenes to make feature length… but it’s about a traveling salesman (Dennis Weaver) going across California… when the driver of a trailer starts to terrorize him… and they both seem to lose their goddamn minds on the (completely isolated?) highways of California. For being such a simple premise, you see a lot of the Spielberg tropes in the filming with shots similar to movies like Jaws & Jurassic Park later… but yeah, definitely a decent flick. I recommend checking it out.
Rating – 8/10 – Only a few moments where I was checking the time… but you had to pad it out to feature length. The actual tense scenes are legit.
October 19 – Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)
Killer alien clowns land in a small town and hijinx ensue. If you haven’t seen this movie, and you enjoy campy horror flicks, then you need to remedy this on Tubi RIGHT NOW!!! The special effects and hilarious kills are all you want in a horror flick without being really scared. The acting is… over the top in all the best ways… John Vernon plays his character (you know the one) and you even get a nerdy looking Christopher Titus saying “What the heck was that?!?” in his acting debut. Seriously, the Chiodo Brothers made a great flick!
Rating – 10+/10 - That’s right! Ten-PLUS!!! We showed it to Katie & Izzy’s Mom and they both loved it… and they soft… watch it with your kids!!!
Until next time!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another busy busy week... but the MIL is FINALLY moved in... and of course she's COMPLETELY ill prepared to be an adult and look for a place to live... and as expected I believe she's just looking to drop her burden of existence upon us but... that's not happening... as we've told her specifically for months while she was feigning listening... but yeah, the process is being done & my wife Izzy is a trooper trying to turn her mother into an actual adult for the first time in her 3/4 century of life so... it's a process. However, I don't think you all care about that... so here are the movies I could squeeze in...
October 6 – Carnivorous / Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (2008)
Obviously I watched this movie because it allegedly starred rap legend DMX… but it’s about a bunch of 30-something teenagers who go on a road trip & stumble upon some magic stick that releases a vengeful half-crocodile/half-serpent monster… and hijinx ensue. This movie has some serious “Pumpkinhead” vibes but… more like the 3rd or 4th sequel of Pumpkinhead where there’s a guy whose wife is killed by these douchey teens and he goes to kill them himself… but then there’s a monster already doing it for him… and yeah, it’s Asylum level CGI for the monster. Oh… and DMX is in like three minutes of this movie if that… and yeah…
Rating – 5/10 – This is blissfully short at least… but yeah, not the greatest
October 9 – The Haunting (1999)
Watched this one for our upcoming Halloween Special… along with the other 1999 horror remake about an All-Star cast of rich whites go to an old building with a seeded history to find out the meaning of Fear. This is the one with Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta Jones, Owen Wilson & Lily Taylor and from the director of Speed & Twister. You can hear more about it in our episode but… there’s 1.5 deaths in this movie. I had completely forgotten that. For some reason I thought there was more… but this is PG-13 AF… and I still can’t really stand the Eleanor character. This feels like a Spielberg thing thrown in…
Rating – 7/10 – It is what it is though… 90’s horror… but Casper’s CGI was MUCH better
October 11 – House on Haunted Hill (1999)
This is the other one… and is the R-rated version of The Haunting… Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Ali Larter, Bridgette Wilson, Taye Diggs, Peter Gallagher & Christ Kattan are stuck in an old sanitarium when a rich white’s birthday prank goes ridiculously wrong (and pretty dumb)… and hijinx ensue. Honestly, Chris Kattan’s character in this movie is… probably the highlight… though a bit out of place in the rest of the movie since he’s providing meta-commentary “Scream” style when everybody else is… basically a characiture.
Rating – 8/10 – Still enjoy it though… and 30 minutes shorter than The Haunting… though I have MANY questions about the ending
Yeah, so that's it... back to making sure my MIL can get her own place & she hasn't been lying to us about every single thing that she has said since we lived in San Francisco and were babysitting her there... but hey, I'll keep you vaguely posted... and luckily my wife isn't being driven insane by it either. :)
By the way, the new motto for Q4 is "It's going to be GREAT!!!"
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Things are moving along (dragged kicking & screaming it seems at times) but MIL is only a few days away from moving in... so in my precious free time from working overtime... here are a few movies that I saw...
October 1 – Race with the Devil (1975)
Two brothers & their wives go on an RV trip from San Antonio to Aspen… and apparently within an hour or so, they pull off the road for the night, witness a ritual sacrifice in the woods, and are running from a satanic cult with the powers of plot convenience!!! I really enjoyed this movie. It’s under 90 minutes, there are some decent Mad Max-esque car stunts, and some absolutely ridiculous plot conveniences that had me the whole time!
Rating – 9/10 – If it sounds like it’s up your alley, check it out!
October 2 – Casper (1995)
I legitimately hadn’t seen this movie since 1996 probably… but I remembered liking it when I was a teenager (and crushing on Christina Ricci). It’s the tale as old as time where a ghost psychiatrist (Bill Pullman) and his daughter are brought it to evacuate ghosts from a haunted house that may or may not have a treasure hidden within it for evil people who inherited it. The cameos are pretty good throughout, it’s a little darker than I remember now as an adult, but yeah… I still enjoy it.
Rating – 10/10 – Rated PG for your kids… they can deal with it… share the rewatch!
October 3 – Adventures in Dinosaur City (1991)
In the year 2 BJP, there were dinosaur movies… but they weren’t the greatest movie ever made quite yet… they were more like… what if I could be transported into a slightly pre-apocalyptic cartoon where there’s a battle between talking dinosaurs & cavemen… but once I’m transported into the TV, it’s live action using the leftovers from the TV show Dinosaurs?!? I don’t think I had seen this one before (I think it was released right around the time I was waiting for Jurassic Park to come out on video & I already had Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend) but this one was… almost exactly what you would expect. You can find it on YouTube and… I’m intrigued to see how this movie would have been in good quality instead of rotted VHS rip since the costumes seems like they might have been decent… but yeah, it’s ridiculous…
Rating – 8/10 – I think I’ll give any dinosaur movie at least an 8 out of 10!!!
October 4 – Death Race (2008)
I had seen this movie when it came out & remembered liking it… but has 15 years soured me on this “modern day” remake of Death Race 2000 starring Jason Statham, Ian McShane, Joan Allen, Tyrese & more?!? Let’s find out! Okay, so Joe Everyman (Jason Statham) is just a hard working guy who works at a mine… when somebody frames him for his wife’s murder… and in the future, prisoners race each other in highly televised events. Oh, did I mention that he used to be a racecar driver? Yeah, they kinda threw that into the 2nd act too… but yeah, he’s set up by the warden so that she can get the most viewers and… yeah, corporations evil & own everything including the penal system, blah blah blah… from the director of Mortal Kombat, the Resident Evil movies, and edits like he’s doing a Transformers movie… and I love it. It’s exactly the 2000’s action trash that you want it to be… and since it stars Statham, Tyrese & dollar store Michelle Rodriguez… you can basically release this movie as Fast & Furious 13 and it makes perfect sense.
Rating – 10/10 – Delivers what it promises & nothing else to make your brain tickle
October 5 – The Alien Factor (1978)
A spaceship crashes on Earth in the back woods of Wisconsin or something… and hijinx ensue when a cocky & omnipotent scientist man named Ben Zachary shows up & has the powers of knowing the script and apparently changing it to his whim like a 3rd grader claiming to have ALL the mutant powers during recess. Yeah, this was a Cinematic Titanic watch… but yeah, the movie was pretty crazy… and there were definitely time that I had no idea what was going on… but worth a laugh.
Rating – 6/10 – The “twists” and constant screaming only made me howl louder with how bad the script & plot elements were
Have a great week everybody!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Guys... I've been f**king busy... my mother-in-law is moving in, I'm doing four jobs at work (actually more like 8-9) and I'm just not getting the movies in like usual. Oh & any moment where I have a few minutes we're usually watching half an episode of "Murder, She Wrote" (up to season 11 right now) or "The Highlander" (just started season 5). Sigh... I need a vacation... and just in time for winter... but here are some movies that I have seen...
September 14 – RoboWoman (2019)
A woman is leaving a company (I assume retiring because she’s played by a 65-year old (Dawna Lee Heising, check out her story… it’s crazy)) and decides to finally go on a date with a persistent coworker… and as luck would have it… he & his buddies (including special needs brother) end up raping her to death. Well, she’s rebuilt as RoboWoman… and she exacts revenge… and oh man, this movie was hilariously rough to watch. The actors are… I don’t even think actors, probably the lead’s friends. This lady stars in about a dozen movies a year… but I assume it’s because she’s just financing them through drug trafficking or something… but yeah, it’s 1.3/10 on IMDb. Now, like I said… it’s hilarious to watch from a bad movie making standpoint… but yeah, it’s ridiculous… and there are SEQUELS!!!
Rating – 4/10 – Kudos to her for making an independent movie… but that’s about it
September 17 – The Last Man on Earth (1964)
This is the Vincent Price adaptation of “I Am Legend” about the supposed last man on Earth after a global pandemic turns all humans into… I don’t know, vampire-zombies?!? Night of the Living Dead wasn’t until a few years later but… they’re basically zombies just kinda stumbling around… and so Vincent Price is going door-to-door looking for other surviving humans… and of course eradicating any sleeping zombie-vampires & tossing them into a burning corpse pile outside of town… and hijinx ensue. I’ve really liked this movie for years… mostly because it’s Vincent Price… and it’s just kinda dumb… and then twists happen… and it’s even better… but honestly it made me want to watch “The Omega Man” again. Not “I Am Legend” though… they killed the dog.
Rating – 8/10 – Worth a watch… just for cultural context or something
September 20 – The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)
From the director of “Troll Hunter” comes a full two-hour movie based on the captain’s log chapter from Bram Stoker’s Dracula (which was almost completely skipped in the Francis Ford Coppola movie aside from a little voiceover). Corey Hawkins plays a man who went to Romania to be a doctor… but then they realized that he was black… and now he has a chance to get back to England about a cargo vessel called the Demeter… but little does he know, it’s transporting a few dozen boxes for a Count Dracula… and hijinx ensue. This movie was pretty good with the typical “Alien” kind of format… with the dark atmosphere aboard an isolated location & slow reveal of the monster (which you know is going to be overused in the climax)… and the acting was decent… in fact, I really enjoyed how good & brutal this movie was… though towards the end of the movie, the whole plot kind of falls apart for me (You know where he sleeps & that sunlight kills him… I guess you’ll just have to expose it to the morning light) but I’m sure they didn’t have the means to bring out the box or something… aside from that, it could have been trimmed a little bit… and the sequel beg at the end is interesting… but unfortunately nobody saw it in theatres because it came out the same time as Barbenheimer, TMNT & a bunch of other stuff… check it out if you can though.
Rating – 9/10 – Decent horror flick… great performances
September 23 – Roboman Hakaider (1995)
This is apparently a movie that was made based on a famous Japanese character (basically RoboCop) but was featured on a Satanic Temple movie night… and it wasn’t half bad. Basically in a post-apocalyptic future (Japan corporations, not Australian wasteland) there a corporation/government and a rebellion… and Hakaider is a stormtrooper who basically is an earlier model who turns good & helps out the rebellion… and hijinx ensue… and man, if you want to see RoboCop meets Power Rangers then this is the movie for you!
Rating – 8/10 – It’s on Tubi, check it out!
September 26 – Joy Ride (2001)
So… I thought I had seen this movie… but apparently I had just seen the trailer and maybe the last 5 minutes back in the day… and where that may seem like enough (and it kinda is) there’s a bunch to this movie that I didn’t know. Basically a P-whipped Paul Walker is driving from Berkeley to Colorado to pick up a girl he’s been crushing on for years but they were separated by college & she’s recently single. Along the way, he picks up his brother out of jail in SLC (Steve Zahn) and he invites himself along… and hijinx ensue when they f**k around on a CB radio for some reason… and movie gotta movie until people are killed & road games are played when an evil (and omnipotent) trucker is on their tail. Is it a great movie? Of course not… in fact, there’s so much wrong with this movie that I don’t know where to begin (the fun facts about the making of the movie is a good way to start though if you want to try to understand why this movie feels so… disjointed). However, if you’re looking for a movie where young people are in danger of coming upon their up’ns then this movie is for you… to a certain extent.
Rating – 7/10 – I’ve seen better, I’ve seen worse in this genre… but hey, RIP Paul Walker
See you in October!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Join us this Saturday at Harvest Moon Festival, Ogden Farmers Market & the Pharoah's Scotter Club 30th Anniversary party!!! I'm also teaching Paracord classes on Sunday at The Local Artisan Collective!!! But until then...
September 7 – The Dungeonmaster / Ragewar (1984)
This is the story of a computer programmer who’s developing AI (at the neglect of his girlfriend) when all of a sudden… a demonic wizard challenges him to a duel of the wits or something INSIDE THE COMPUTER (though it’s a leftover sword & sorcery set?) so basically it’s kind of a Dungeons & Dragons computer game movie? Richard Moll is the wizard so… that’s pretty great! I think this was a Full Moon production… or at least I know Charles Band was one of the directors… basically each of the challenges has a different director doing a section… and it kind of shows… but it also kind of works in a weird way. For as absolutely ridiculous as this movie was… I really enjoyed it! Most of the directors were makeup & special effects guys getting a shot at doing a quick 5-10 minute scene and… though a lot of the story is kind out there & nonsensical… it’s an interesting little anthology.
Rating - 8/10 – Give it a shot… it’s on Tubi, you might like it
September 8 – Feeders (1996)
This was a Rifftrax watch… and the movie is basically two kids from Pennsylvania making their own movie in the mid-90’s. The story is there’s these two guys driving around taking pictures & doing a road trip… but then aliens land and start feeding on the humans… and the aliens are basically hand puppets… so it’s extra ridiculous. The acting is crap. The story is nonsensical. There are a lot of scenes of just walking to pad out the run time. Basically the appeal of this movie requires the likes of Rifftrax or some fun friends making fun of how dumb the movie is… and also just the thought of these two filmmakers during the process of the film going “Perfect! Cut! Next scene!”
Rating – 4/10 – It’s about an hour long is all… and that definitely helps enjoyment
September 9 – Meg 2: The Trench (2023)
YES!!! The 3rd greatest shark movie all time (behind Deep Blue Sea & Jaws 3D) FINALLY gets a sequel! In this one, Jason Statham as Jonas Hamstat-Taylor is back to save everybody after they’ve gone back into the underlayer of the ocean that the first Megalodon came from, to do research because… there’s a bunch of ridiculous animals down there… like fish-raptors?!? Anyway, hijinx ensue when they find out there’s a mining company down there too… explosion… things released into the Philippine Sea… and place literally called Fun Island. Now, this movie was ridiculous… but not like the first one… beyond ridiculous on a scientific level… and yes, I’m talking about the fish-raptors… and it BLATANTLY steals from ALL the animal horror hits, not just Jaws… but Jurassic Park… and even to the level of Day of the Animals. That being said, I knew this going in… was prepared for it… and still thought it was… okay.
Rating – 8/10 – I support dumb movies sometimes… especially when they blatantly pattern to China… I mean, the audience
September 10 – Mallrats (1995)
This movie came out when I was 14 and was my introduction to Kevin Smith movies… of which… eh, about half of them are watchable… and there may not have been a good one since Clerks 2. In this movie, two a-holes (Jeremy London & Jason Lee) are single now that their hot girlfriends have realized that they’re a-holes… so they go to the mall to drown their sorrows. Then they find out that a game show ran by one of the girl’s father is being held at the mall, that simply will not stand… so they make plans to destroy his (and her) livelihood. Hilarity ensues. So why do I like this movie? Well, again I was 14 when it came out… and it is basically a live action cartoon… and Sven Ole Thorsen plays LaFours in a criminally underrated Chaplin-esque performance. Does it have dull parts? Of course. Does it age like fine milk? Totally. Does it originate the Stan Lee cameo? Marvel, you HACKS!!! So how do I feel about it now?
Rating – 9/10 – I still enjoy it… but yeah, the two leads are absolutely unworthy of happiness
September 11 – Moon Zero Two (1969)
This was an MST3K watch about a space salvage worker getting involved with other space salvage workers who want to hijack an entire asteroid made out of sapphire by crashing it into the moon… and hijinx ensue. I think watching this movie, it was set in 2024 (because that was 55 years into the future when it was made) which is a lot of fun given how advanced we are now… but yeah, it’s kind of a dumb, fun almost like spy movie on the moon… with past future technology… and a lot of things that I swear I saw in resent movies like “Ad Astra” and “Gravity” but… on a budget.
Rating – 8/10 – Yeah, why not give it a watch? Especially with MST3K…
September 12 – One Got Fat (1963)
We watched a Satanic Temple Movie Night… and this was a 15-minute bicycle safety film… but it has about a dozen kids with monkey faces & tails… and almost all of them meet violent ends by not following the rules of the road! Check it out on YouTube…
Rating – 9/10 – Hilarous & informative!!!
September 13 – The Burning Moon (1992)
This was a German movie that we watched on Satanic Temple Movie Night… and it follows a teenage drug addict who’s telling his little sister a pair of bedtime stories… the first about a serial killer who escapes an insane asylum… and then immediately goes on a blind date… and hijinx ensue. The other is about a psychotic priest killing a bunch of people in a town (including a few people who look just like him?) but yeah… this was a splatter horror movie with lots of blood, violence, profanity, drug use, all that fun stuff… but also looks like it was shot with a handheld camera that was probably in East Germany…
Rating – 7/10 – Not the greatest… but hey, if it’s your jam, go for it…
Got a few humdingers lined up for next week... see you then!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Busy week... but here are a few movies that I've seen...
August 31 – Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967)
This one is about a couple country singers & their manager getting stranded at a haunted house (though a neighbor country band also randomly shows up for a number) and there’s some old dudes in the basement (John Carradine & Lon Chaney jr with help from Basil Rathbone) doing weird experiments with an ape… hijinx ensue… but mostly horribly bad country numbers as this movie is mostly just a vehicle that. The lead actresses tits were quite amazing (and apparently it was chilly on set) but yeah, this was an MST3K watch and… I feel bad for people who had to go to theaters when this was popular.
Rating – 3/10 – I can think of two things that were great to see on the screen…
September 1 – Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)
A depressed musician (Tom Hiddleston) gets a call from his former lover (Tilda Swinton) who flies from Morocco to hang out with him in Detroit… and then they just kind of be depressed and moody & pointless for about an hour… until an unexpected former acquaintance (Mia Wasikowska) shows up and f**ks things up… and I’d like to say hijinx ensue… but it really doesn’t. Oh, did I mention that they were all vampires? Good… because it doesn’t matter… I fill like this is just director Jim Jarmusch writing a boring mopey emo tale and then thinking nobody will watch this tripe… oh! Unless I make them vampires or something?!? Yes, it’s beautifully (pretentiously) shot but… yeah, no point to watching it in my opinion.
Rating – 4/10 – Maybe I’m being hard on it but… was watching it at 1.5x after a while and it was still too damn slow
September 2 – Fugitive Alien (1986)
This was an MST3K watch (we’d seen the sequel already and it’s also nuts) but it’s a Japanese sci-fi movie where an alien race is attacking the Earth… but then one of their own goes Finn from Star Wars and decides that he doesn’t want to kill humans anymore… so now they’re trying to take him out… and hijinx ensue. This movie was… an absolutely mess. I really wish that I could tell you character motivations, arcs, or really even any of them apart except for the one girl & Jo Shishido (the giant cheeks guy) but… yeah, I was laughing at the jokes more than anything else. The story is just all over the place & nonsensical.
Rating – 4/10 – Still a fun watch with the jokes…
September 3 – The Blackening (2023)
Seven friends go to an AirBNB cabin for the weekend as a ten year reunion or something… but then they find out that there’s a killer (and a Sambo board game?) that’s going to kill them all… unless they can play the game involving horror movie knowledge… and even then, probably end up killing them. It’s a horror-comedy where all the characters are African-American (except for deputy Diedrich Bader who has a cameo) and the joke tagline is “They all can’t die first” which is perfection… and the movie was pretty hilarious. A lot of N-words… to the point that I was getting a lot of “A Haunted House” vibes about halfway through but… yeah, I’d definitely recommend checking it out if you like pseudo-meta horror movies.
Rating – 8/10 – LOTS of N-words that I’m not allowed to enjoy…
September 4 – Viva Knievel! (1977)
This is a movie made starring legendary stuntman Evel Knievel in… let’s face it, an absolutely BS story glorifying his image. There’s action scenes where he jumps over lion, tigers & fire… but there’s no mention of his wife & kids… instead his love interest is Lauren Hutton… and his mechanic is Gene Kelly… who also has his son join the team… and hijinx ensue. Cameron Mitchell & Leslie Nielsen show up to… and there’s a plot about a rich guy trying to kill Evel in the most convoluted way possible… and yeah, it’s nonsense & much like the Evel Knievel traveling circus you’re basically watching to see him crash & potentially die.
Rating – 7/10 – It’s an interesting timepiece in filmmaking about a pretty deplorable human being who became iconic… but I’d recommend the Rifftrax version
September 5 – The Pumaman (1980)
MST3K watch of the superhero classic… about a white guy professor who finds out that he’s descendant of Aztec gods (and aliens?) so now he has superpowers… and the guidance of a giant Aztec priest (who’s the real hero of the movie) to help bring down the evil Kobras (Donald Pleasance) who’s using a Puma mask to hypnotize & control people… including world leaders. This movie is… ridiculously bad… and the green screen stuff is bad… but yeah, making fun of it was fun.
Rating – 6/10 – Rough watch without the jokes…
September 6 – The Rebel Set (1959)
This was another MST3K watch about three beatnik criminals looking to rob an armored car… but then hijinx ensue when they are betrayed!!! It’s pretty boring & there’s a lot of random beatnik club scene dancing or something… but run time is required. Not really a whole lot else memorable about this movie.
Rating – 5/10 – Pass without the MST3K jokes…
Have a great week everybody!!!
Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another week, another batch of movies...
August 24 – King of New York (1990)
This is a gangster movie that I had heard about… but had never seen. A drug kingpin (Christopher Walken) is released from prison and basically wants to take over the drug trade in New York… and his general Larry Fishburne is there to help him eliminate the competition… and detectives David Caruso & Wesley Snipes are trying to stop him. Here’s the twist… he wants to take over the drug trade to help the community… like build a hospital & keep out corrupt landlords and politicians and such. I mean… yeah… but yeah, this is a gangster movie… but it’s also as if Walken was a more level-headed Scarface… but with the Walken quirks which are amazing. Yes, it’s violent, racist & all the things you could want it to be… so yeah, if that’s your thing, check it out!
Rating – 9/10 – Not quite the legendary film that I was sold… but still pretty damn good. Really it just left me with more questions than answers about a lot of things…
August 25 – Beyond Atlantis (1973)
This was an MST3K watch… about some shady characters (including John Wayne’s son Patrick & the great Sid Haig going to an island to find a fortune in rare pearls… but the island natives are determined to keep the them… and it’s basically played as if the Philippines are the lost island of Atlantis but… most of them also have giant frog eyes or something? It gets weird… and then it gets weirder… and hijinx ensue. This comes from director Eddie Romero (Black Mama White Mama & Savage Sisters among others) so you kinda know what you’re getting into knowing that… and did I mention MST3K? That being said… it’s just a nutso watch… and the dialogue is pretty ridiculous in parts (Sid Haig specifically).
Rating – 7/10 – Not horrible… but kind of need to be in the mood for it… and not thing too much
August 26 – Robo Vampire (1988)
This movie comes from acclaimed director Godfrey Ho (he’s famous for taking bits of different Asian movies & just randomly putting them together to make crazy stuff) and this is no exception. One of the stories is about a cop who’s brought back to life through technology (like RoboCop on a budget of whatever’s in the closet). Another one involves vampires… but they are more like… zombies that bunny hop towards their victims & take them out with kung fu. Another one involves a druglord in the Golden Triangle and a kidnapping… and then they’re all kind of mixed together in a crazy mess with even obviously different film stocks, plot points, continuity & so on. As a movie, it’s kind of a trainwreck.
Rating – 9/10 – That being said… it’s a definite watch with friends if you’re looking for cuckoo bananas!!!
August 27 – War of the Colossal Beast (1958)
Another MST3K watch but it’s the SEQUEL to “The Amazing Colossal Man” in which a man grew Big McLargeHuge… and then fell off the Hoover Dam to his death. Why is there a sequel? Because HE’S BACK!!! He’s also had like… half of his skull crushed (to where you can see his skull I think?) and has brain damage so he is now wandering around Mexico eating people and destroying towns and such. It’s basically your typical 50’s giant person terrorizing the city movie… but it gets pretty hilarious when a bus full of kids are brought into the mix towards the end.
Rating – 6/10 – MST3K is the way to go…
August 28 – Shivers (1975)
Director David Cronenberg’s first feature film… and oh man is it a great indicator of the style that made him famous. There’s a high-rise apartment building on an island in the river by Montreal… and it’s full of yuppies & doctors. Well, one of the doctors was apparently working on a parasite that turns people into mindless orgy zombies because he thinks humans have lost their baser instincts… and hijinx ensue. Now, if you’re ever seen a Cronenberg movie… you know what you’re getting into. There’s going to be a LOT of gore… a lot of squishy sexy gory meat slapping kind of stuff… dialogue that would blow your mind if you were stoned enough… and the timing of this movie is interesting because it seems to have influenced horror for decades in the likes of “Alien” (almost blatantly ripping it off as “Shivers in Space”), “Nightmare on Elm Street” and just about all of the 80’s slasher flicks… and it’s just a good, weird trippy kind of horror flick. I’m not a huge fan of gore so… spoilers, there’s gallons of blood involved and… some other things that don’t age particularly well with regards to “lifestyle choices” or something (but I think that’s part of the message). If you like horror, give it a glance… and remember that there may be a lot of tropes involved… but this one came before a lot of them.
Rating – 9/10 – Not a gore for gore sake fan… but this does pretty well with walking that line
August 29 – The Sage of the Viking Women & Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (1957)
Yes, the title is great… and it’s a Roger Corman directed movie that was on MST3K about a bunch of beautiful blonde women (and Susan Cabot) going on a journey to find their missing men, who went out to war & have not returned in months. Now, there’s also one random guy left behind who must be having the time of his life but yeah… they leave by boat… get in a fight with a sea serpent in the middle of a vortex… and wash up on the shore of a foreign land… who immediately take them captive & find that their men have been there for a while too… and basically broken by slavery. Hijinx ensue as they try to escape. Now… yes, the movie is pretty bad… but there are bones here. Let’s do a female-positive Northman sequel about a bunch of Nordic goddesses going save their men… you know I’m in… but this movie is not that.
Rating – 7/10 – Check out the MST3K version but… not completely intolerable
August 30 – Final Justice (1984)
Joe Don Baker is a Texas Ranger named Thomas Jefferson Geronimo (stop laughing) who’s transporting a fugitive to Malta… but then the fugitive escapes… and hijinx ensues as Geronimo says juris-my-diction to your international law in bringing him to justice. Yeah, the movie is pretty ridiculous & it’s from director Greydon Clark (“Uninvited”, “Without Warning” “Angel’s Revenge” & “Black Shampoo”) so… obviously this was an MST3K watch. I’d recommend that version.
Rating – 7/10 – That being said… it’s quite ridiculous to see stereotypes put to celluloid in bad 80’s action
Only a few great ones this week... but what do we have in store for next week?!? Stay tuned!!!
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another busy week... and unfortunately my step-uncle Lyndon passed away last night in a freak farming accident... but yeah, you're all here for the movie recommendations, right?
August 17 – The Quick & the Dead (1995)
Director Sam Raimi brings you a western with an all star cast… Sharon Stone is a woman who comes to the town of Redemption to enter a quick draw competition with a $123,000 winner take all prize (so like $30 million today)… but she may have motives other than money… and hijinx ensue. I love this movie. It’s a western with a lot of quirky moments, angles, quick zoom shots, memorable characters, just a lot of great stuff that I enjoyed as a teenager and enjoy to this day. That being said… I can also see how it might be unnerving to someone too. It’s like any other Sam Raimi. It’s not for everybody.
Rating – 10/10 – I still give it a 10 though & one of my favorite westerns… Spotted Horse cannot be killed by a bullet!!!
August 18 – Robot Wars (1993)
In the year 2041, there are giant mecharobots that are used for… I don’t know, transporting people from place to place… and I assume other things but… yeah, this is a Full Moon production of Robot Jox or something. In this one, the evil corporation Centro is trying to take over… and a douche robot pilot (Don Michael Paul) and blonde archaeologist (Barbara Crampton) have to revive an older model robot and save the world(?). This was an MST3K watch (newest season I believe) and boy oh boy is this one rough. As I mentioned… the “hero” is an absolute cuck… and the women (Lisa Rinna is also in this one, sorta) are written as borderline spectrum. Sure, it’s funny to watch for stop-motion & models and making fun of how bad the movie is… but I can absolutely see how Don Michael Paul went into directing shortly after this (Tremors, Jarhead, Scorpion King & Death Race sequels). I know it has more to do with the way that his character is written… but yeah, tough to watch most of the time… and nonsensical.
Rating – 5/10 – Would recommend the MST3K version though…
August 19 – The Incubus (1981)
In small town USA, the new doctor (John Cassavetes) has seen the aftermath of the a LOT of gruesome rapes & murders… and decides that he has to figure out what’s going on… since apparently the bumpkin cops (John Ireland) can’t. Insert his teenage daughter & her new boyfriend… who also is having dreams where he seems to be witnessing these events when they happen… and a hot local newspaper chick (Kerrie Keane) and hijinx certainly ensues. Okay… this movie… is total 70’s horror vibe. The characters are… basically assholes… and do most of their acting by just staring at one another for 3-4 seconds… then saying their nonsensical line that has little to do with the situation in front of them… but possible some conversation going on in their head. The violence is… pretty graphic for the time… and the force used basically escalates throughout the film. Characters also do a lot of stupid sh*t but… hey, that’s how plot happens. That being said… I’d love to talk about this movie on the podcast because… it’s unique enough to strike up a conversation… and I liked it. That being said… the ending will probably have you scratching your f**king head for a while with how haphazard it landed but… hey, it’s the journey, not the destination, right? Isn’t that what people say about horror movies with bad endings?
Rating – 8/10 – Maybe it requires a rewatch to get a higher score but… yeah, I enjoyed it
August 20 – Fatal Combat / No Exit (1995)
We’re celebrating Sven Ole Thorsen (our first interview) on our podcast Everything I Learned From Movies by watching movies where he has an actual speaking part instead of being the biggest baddie in the movie who doesn’t speak (thick Danish accent). This was one that I had read that he not only gets second billing as the Big Baddie… but he speaks quite a bit (not quite as much as Abraxas). Basically this is a kind of Mortal Kombat rip-off but basically there’s this broadcaster who’s kidnapping fighters & athletes and pitting them against each other in a battle to the death… that broadcast to those willing to pay (think dark web but television). There’s a college professor (Jeff Wincott) who kills/cripples a bunch of guys when they attack his pregnant wife in a hospital parking lot, so they kidnap him (and his student?) and hijinx ensue. This is kind of a dumb action movie with a few hilarious parts (though unintentional) and yes, we get to hear Sven speak… but in a twist, it’s mostly him making prison passes at the teenage student… and then because it’s basically a prison movie… there’s a rape scene and a LOT of F-words (not just f**k) and N-words… and I can’t really recommend the movie unless this is your thing. Oddly enough though, Rifftrax just released an episode on this movie so… guess who’s probably going to watch it the moment that it’s free?!?
Rating – 8/10 – Love to see Sven in an actual character… even if it’s prison rapist big baddy a la Michael Bailey Smith in “In Hell” (very similar movies)
August 21 – Asteroid City (2023)
Back in 2001, I was one of the individuals who saw John Carpenter’s “Ghost of Mars” in theatres. I was 20 years old… and it was the first time that I felt like… the director has given up on Hollywood & is just making fun of themselves… goggles that help you breath on Mars… the ridiculous monsters that make a language out of “RA RA RA RA RA!”… Ice Cube in tight fire print pants… just the most mailed in nonsense I think I had seen to that point. Wes Anderson appears to be making fun of himself & his style with this latest movie. The plot… who cares? It’s a bunch of Hollywood’s elite actors at a motor lodge in the middle of the American Southwest. The characters are quirkier than an M Night wet dream… except as questionable as M Night movies can be… at least the characters are doing things besides reciting the nonsense dialogue with absolute lack of emotion. Verbs besides talking. You don’t really get that in a Wes Anderson movie. There’s a scene where a character randomly puts his hand onto an iron just to feel alive and… I suspect that was the audience that saw it in theatres… even with a Scar Jo nude scene like she missed out on “Oppenheimer” for this… couldn’t save this movie for me. Okay, now for the good stuff. It’s beautifully shot with great vivid colors. It’s free on Peacock now. I can only assume the script was magnificent to get everybody to sign on. The cooky feel has an appeal with stop-motion & practical visual effects. Okay, that’s about it from me.
Rating – 6/10 – Just not my bag, baby… weird that I thought of John Carpenter giving up on Hollywood meets M Night characters & dialogue…
August 22 – My Bloody Valentine (1981)
I had never seen the original, but I remember liking the remake with Dean Winchester (Jensen Ackles) but yeah… early 80’s slasher set in a mining town where teenagers are partying 20 years after a horrible massacre… but the long-thought-dead killer is going around and killing people again! There’s no real stars in the movie and it looks like it was made in the early 80’s… but shooting a LOT of the movie in an actual mine really helps to portray the sense of dread & being trapped with a massive killer with a pick axe. I really enjoyed it… as long as the teenagers weren’t talking. A lot of the backstory romance BS is in this one…
Rating – 8/10 – I really had a fun time watching this movie… and so that made me want to rewatch…
August 23 – My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
Yes, the Lionsgate remake starring Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Tom Atkins & more… basically after the mine owner’s son may or may not have accidentally blown a mine… the lone survivor is in a coma… until he’s not a year later on Valentine’s Day & kills like an entire hospital and more. Well, he’s killed by the sheriff (Atkins) and then we cut to 10 years later, when the mine owner’s son returns to town… to sell his father’s mine after his death… and maybe convince his former girlfriend to leave her husband & kids for him… and then not sell the mine because WHO CARES?!? People are DYING!!! A LOT!!! BRUTALLY!!! The drama stuff is completely pointless BUT holy sh*t, the kills in this movie and the 3D tie-in stuff… I absolutely love this movie! There are plenty of nods to the original too (exactly why I wanted to rewatch it) and… yeah, the “twist” is pretty obvious from the start but I would highly recommend checking this movie out, especially if you’re in your 20s and desensitized like I am… or was…
Rating – 10/10 – Not sure why but… one of my favorite horror movies now
Have a great week & I'll see you soon!
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing