New Year's Movies 2022-23
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
What did you watch this New Year's Eve?!? Well, here's what we saw...
December 29 – Christmas Icetastrophe (2014)
Alright, we watched this one on the Satanic Temple Wednesday Night Movies… and it’s one of those Syfy Channel disaster movie ripoffs. Basically a meteor hits a small town in Canada or Alaska or something… and it somehow brings a bunch of ice & freezing temperatures that chase people around and freeze them instantly? There’s really not a lot of real reason given for why this happens… just that it does happen, now RUN!!! There’s car chases, boat chases, sweeping through towns, explosions causing MORE ice & freezing temperatures, just complete ridiculousness… and the star is the guy from Scorpion King 3 & 4 (Victor Webster) & directed by the guy who played Bob in Carnosaur 3: Primal Species. Who’s Bob? He doesn’t last long in that movie.
Rating – 6/10 – Laughably bad… but a fun watch with friends
December 30 – The Menu (2022)
A couple (Nicholas Hoult & Anya Taylor-Joy) goes to a secluded island for the ultimate restaurant experience with a world renowned chef (Ralph Fiennes) and hijinx ensue. I don’t want to give a bunch away about this movie… as you probably have an idea of where it goes if you’ve seen the trailer… but it’s kind of a slow build to craziness with… let’s say scathing thoughts about food culture, criticism in general, bad movies, all the stuff you probably love if you’re reading this review. It’s also well done as a heightened perspective of it… though some plot elements fall apart by the end of the movie. I had a lot of fun with it. Izzy isn’t interested.
Rating – 8/10 – It’s not particularly gory or anything, just intense & a little nutso, pretty hilarious at points
December 31 – Black Adam (2022)
The Scorpion King is now a DC Superhero. I mean… it gets more complicated that it’s basically Shazam… who’s the original Captain Marvel… but it’s played in another movie by the guy from “Chuck” but… basically Dwayne Johnson is an ancient Egyptian (though called Kahndaq in the DC world) who’s cursed/blessed with infinite power & is brought back at the exact same time that another unearthly power is being unleashed (ends up being the Devil from Pick of Destiny?). Throw in Aldis Hodge as Hawkman (definitely not Falcon) and a few pointless teenagers (definitely not Storm & Ant Man) and you have DC trying to completely rip off Marvel & the Mummy. That being said… it’s weird that DC has completely shaken up everything after THIS movie was released… but whatever, they’re the company losing billions.
Rating – 8/10 – I still had fun watching it… but mostly because of how EVERY. SINGLE. ELEMENT of the movie I had seen before & better… but damn that Dwayne is charismatic, even when he’s playing a non-charismatic character (his character is basically Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy in this one)
January 1 – Call Me Miss Cleo (2022)
Ever wonder the story behind Miss Cleo from those Psychic Readers Network commercials of the 90’s & early 2000’s? There’s this documentary on HBO Max about her interesting & very questionable rise to popularity and briefly mentioning the two evil white guys who got hundreds of millions of dollars from those commercials… but all anybody remembers about it is Miss Cleo’s fake Jamaican accent, because it’s funnier than the reality. I like that they didn’t shy away from the fact that she kind of ripped off the arts community in Seattle at one point… then did Miss Cleo… then the aftermath led her down a different road.
Rating – 9/10 – I’d say check it out… it’s more heartfelt & told by people in her life than you might expect. Raven Symone & Debra Wilson are in it too.
January 2 – Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
A carnival rolls into a small town… and it’s led by Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) so hijinx ensue for two kids… a really the rest of the town. This was written by Ray Bradbury back in the 50’s turned into a novel and then made into a movie in the 80s when I guess the technology caught up & Disney put some money behind it… but it’s definitely one of those movies that traumatized my generation. I might have seen it once back in the day… but watching it now, I’d put it in the realm of “Return to Oz”, “The Neverending Story” and others where there are like… scenes with corpses & stuff that may be too scary for young children… but teenagers will probably love it.
Rating – 9/10 – I did start to doze off in the middle (long day?)… but yeah, definitely worth a watch
January 3 – Blood Beat (1983)
A woman is taken to her boyfriend’s family get-together in Wisconsin for Christmas… and they’re all avid deer hunters… and I’m not sure if the mom is supposed to be some sort of psychic scanner or what… but the woman is having visions… and it involves the spirit of a samurai going around & killing people while she’s masturbating… and I had to rewatch the ending three times to see what the explanation was but… it didn’t make any sense. The soundtrack is too damn loud for the dialogue… and spoiler, these actors didn’t really do anything else… yeah, it’s a weird movie.
Rating – 6/10 – There’s some interesting independent filmmaking going on here but… yeah, it was rough & I have no idea what was going on
January 4 – Best of the Best 4: Without Warning (1998)
The fourth installment of the Phillip Rhee-led Best of the Best martial arts movies series… and this one has a CAST with Ernie Hudson, Sven Ole Thorsen, Tobin Bell & more… but basically a martial artist finds himself thrust into some Russian mobsters & a mini disc holding everything they need to counterfeit money… but yeah, action & hijinx ensue. Now… this came in a 12-movie action pack & we watched it for Ernie Hudson… but then friend of the podcast Sven Ole Thorsen popped up with a speaking role… and it built from there. I enjoyed it… and keep an ear out on the podcast for this September… I’m sorry, SVEN-tember!!!
Rating – 9/10 – For a straight to video action movie, I really enjoyed this one.
Welcome to 2023 everybody!!! More fun stuff on the way!!!
December Movies - Week 4
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Christmas has come & gone... we got some sweet gifts, spent time with family (well, some of us anyway) and now we're getting reports ready to go into 2023 prepared. Oh & we're also watching movies...
December 22 – Devil Doll (1964)
Do you like killer doll movies? Like “Child’s Play” & that “M3GAN” movie coming out soon? How about killer ventriloquist doll movies like “Magic” & “Dead Silence”? Well, this was the 60’s version of that. A creepy ventriloquist who doesn’t blink has a doll that he locks up in a cage at night because… he’s ALIVE!!! He’s an evil Pinocchio or something… and yes, there’s parts where it’s obvious he’s played by a little person wearing a mask… but in spite of its molasses pace (because it’s really like a 30 minute episode of Night Gallery stretched out to 80 minutes) it’s mildly intriguing because… again, based on the parts of the movie that are slightly inept, you honestly have no idea what’s going to happen.
Rating – 8/10 – It’s no “Magic” or “Dead Silence” but… give it a gander. Rifftrax may help as it is very slow in some parts.
December 23 – Gunslinger (1956)
This was another MST3K episode where a woman’s sheriff husband is gunned down in the Old West… so she becomes sheriff & tries to bring her husband’s killers to justice. Well, hijinx ensue when she starts an odd relationship with the mercenary called in to kill her! Yeah, it’s not the greatest western ever made… but it’s directed by Roger Corman so… that gets it a few points.
Rating – 6/10 – So many better westerns out there… check some of them out instead… but MST3K helps
December 24 – SHAQ (2022)
This is a new HBO documentary series about the life & times of basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal from growing up as an Army brat, working hard to become an absolute FORCE in basketball for a decade-plus, the highs & lows along the way, and then the downward spiral of age. Shaq has charisma, absolutely. I really enjoyed the stroll through memory lane as I was a teenager coming up during these times too & NEVER got close to the glory of Shaq… as few have. That being said, I feel like the release of this a few years post-Kobe left a VERY important resource out of some sections (particularly episode 3) but great interviews and commentary from people like Phil Jackson, Jeanie Buss, Rick Fox, Derek Fisher, Shaq’s family, former coaches & more.
Rating – 9/10 – Definitely worth a watch if you’re a basketball fan
December 25 – Supernatural (2005-2020)
That’s right… we watched ALL 15 SEASONS… over 300 episodes… of a show about two brothers driving around in an Impala hunting monsters… at least for the first season or two… then it gets REALLY into the whole Heaven & Hell thing… and then they die a few times… and come back as angels… or demons… or I think God once… and then about twice a season they’ll throw in some actual monsters… and it keeps going… and going… and going. Look, here’s what I would recommend. If you like the first season or the premise, go to the end of Season 5. Season 6 is ROUGH. Season 7 is better but… it doesn’t really get much better for the LAST 8 SEASONS except for like… five episodes TOTAL!!! That being said, the show is one part fun with three parts drama and enough guest stars to keep it mildly interesting.
Rating – 8/10 – Look, I would have pulled a HARD out if it were really that bad… it’s just a little repetitive after over 300 episodes…
December 26 – Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)
That’s right, the remake of the JCVD classic starring friend of the podcast Alain Moussi (this, sequel & Jiu Jitsu) in the Kurt Sloane role, Dave Bautista as Tong Po & JCVD as the master that helps Kurt along the way. You know this story if you’ve ever seen a JCVD movie. Brother is killed in an underground Muay Thai tournament, revenge is vowed, Muay Thai training montages, final fight! That being said… there are MANY far worse versions of this movie.
Rating – 9/10 – This is where I started to realize that Bautista could be a decent actor… and he’s grown since then
December 27 – The Werewolf of Washington (1973)
Okay, so a DC reporter is sent to Hungary of some sort of diplomatic mission (he was banging the First Daughter) and while he’s there… he is bitten by a werewolf. When he returns to DC, hijinx ensue. A “young” Dean Stockwell is the reporter… and the tone of the movie is kind of dark comedy-horror… but like 50% horror, 50% political satire of the time (think Nixon about a year before he resigned) and Stockwell is great in his portrayal of a man unhinged… though the special effects are on the same level as the 30’s Wolfman movies, just in color.
Rating – 8/10 – You can probably guess how the movie ends but… definitely worth a watch
December 28 – Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
Seven years after the original Universal Soldier catapulted the careers of JCVD, Dolph Lundgren & director Roland Emmerich… comes the OFFICIAL sequel that has since been torn from canon in the following sequels. Basically JCVD comes back as the same character from the original… but he’s no longer a Unisol (cyborg) that he was in the first movie, I guess they 7 of 9’d him and removed all his Borg implants or something… and he’s going against a new supercomputer SETH who’s been transplanted into the perfect body (Michael Jai White) who also controls all the Unisols (including WWE’s Goldberg) and hijinx ensue. We’ve got an episode coming on the podcast for this one but… it’s basically just explosions, fights, titties, etc. and it’s the only thing that the director has directed (though he’s a very accomplished 2nd unit director) and he was brought on at the last minute.
Rating – 8/10 – I mean… if you’re looking for ridiculous cyborg fights & explosions, this is your jam!
See you next year!!!
December Movies - Week 3
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
The holidays are literally at the doorstep & the Winter Solstice is upon us!!! So stay warm by the fireplace and watch some movies with us...
December 15 – Sisters of Death (1976)
So the movie starts out with a sorority initiation, you know… all that cloak & dagger BS you hear about in college, but ugh… then one of the pledges get shot in the head during a “trust blast” or something. Cut to 7 years later… and the girls at the scene are being sent mysterious letters to meet in Paso Robles, California for a reunion or something… and hijinx ensue. Now, this movie is pretty ridiculous. There are some long takes that could be tightened up easily because it’s waiting for people to walk or park or whatever, the choices the characters make are questionable at best, the dialogue is meh… but I still had fun with it. You can kind of piece together what’s going to happen but… yeah, it’s just kind of ridiculous leading up to the reveal.
Rating – 7/10 – You could do a lot worse… and there’s a Rifftrax version
December 16 – Death Promise (1977)
What? Another Rifftrax version of a movie? Yes, but this one is a martial arts vengeance tale about a man whose father is killed by wealthy slumlords… and oh man, some of the topics that come up in this 70s movie hit harder today with the greed of developers & real estate. The fight scenes are okay… the plot is fairly predictable in that you kind of know that it’s going to end a little stupid… but yeah, I’d recommend a watch.
Rating – 8/10 – I’m a sucker for martial arts movies
December 17 – Dark Future (1994)
When humans are decimated by a plague in the 21st century (huh?), the remaining apparently live underground as sex slaves to cyborgs who rule with an iron fist. From director Greydon Clark (“Uninvited” and other cheap trash) and starring Darby Hinton (“Malibu Express” ten years later) and I think other actors that only worked in this or other Greydon Clark movies, yeah… it’s an absolute mess of a movie… but a fun watch with your friends on Rifftrax. There’s the bones of a good movie here though… it’s called Reverse Westworld… Eastworld?!?
Rating – 6/10 – Fun to laugh at… that’s about it
December 18 – The Last Starfighter (1984)
Okay, this is one from my childhood that I saw a bunch on TV on like Saturday Matinees… and it fits with our theme the “Last Month” so we watched it for the podcast. Basically a trailer park kid named Alex (with a smoking hot girlfriend played by friend of the podcast Catherine Mary Stewart) is good at an arcade game, which is actually a recruiting tool for an intergalactic space force, so then he basically gets tricked into joining the space force as a pilot because he’s so good at it. The special effects are a little dated by today’s standard but… honestly it’s not that bad because a lot of the practical stuff matches with the CGI perfectly. Like the futuristic car that Centauri drives matches well with the base in the fake planet shots, etc. It’s also just a fun kids movie really with a lot of heart.
Rating – 10/10 – It got the Catherine Mary Stewart bump from a 9… but yeah, check it out! They keep talking about a remake but… it’s just talk until it hits theatres (or streaming)
December 19 – Sherlock Holmes in The Woman in Green (1945)
We also watched a Rifftrax of this Basil Rathbone portrayal of Sherlock Holmes where there’s a serial killer taking out women daily and severing their fingers. Scotland Yard is at a loss… except that it’s probably “some big friggin’ guy” as they would say in Boondock Saints. Holmes however thinks that it might be the work of the most diabolical mind to have ever lived… there’s only one thing though… Dr. Moriarty was hung for his crimes already! How could HE still be murdering these women? Hijinx ensue. I liked it… there’s a lot of the kind of dialogue that you would expect in this sort of tale… and though a lot of the contrivances you’ve seen dozens of times before are done, at least they’re done fairly well. Watson was a boob… but apparently that’s the Nigel Bruce portrayal in the 40’s instead of the competent sidekick in other versions I’ve seen.
Rating – 8/10 – Holmes movies are worst when they’re just boring… and this one’s only like 65 minutes so I don’t think it had time for that.
December 20 – No Retreat No Surrender (1986)
For January, our theme is Jean-Claude Van January (like the 4th month we’ve had dedicated to the Muscles from Brussels) and so we’re going with the 2nd movie where he was actually credited (he was in the Breakin’ movies as a backup dancer & only earlier credit role is as “Gay Karate Man” in Monaco Forever). This movie is about a teenage boy who idolizes Bruce Lee… and befriends a kid when he moves to Seattle after his dad is crippled by a Russian karate man (JCVD) working for the NYC Karate Mafia after they tried to take over his dojo (in LA by the way) but then hijinx ensue when the teenage boy runs away from home to live in an abandoned crack house & the Ghost of Bruce Lee himself shows up to train him. The movie is a trip…
Rating – 10/10 – This movie is always fun to watch with friends… and I blame the friend RJ. There’s a lot going on in this movie that’s NEVER explained.
December 21 – The Bride & the Beast (1958)
I was won over reading the synopsis that a woman married a man with a gorilla (which apparently she didn’t know before they were married?) and then through hypnosis she was the Queen of the Gorillas in a past life… Yup, I’m watching this! THEN I found out that the writer was… Edward D Wood jr… Ed Wood himself (along with writer/director Adrian Weiss) so… absolutely I’m watching this movie. To say this movie is chauvinistic is putting it quite lightly… but yeah, there’s an idiot great white hunter husband… the wife is I’m assuming a product of her upbringing… a guy in an ape suit… and yet, it’s so bad that I honestly had no idea what was going to happen.
Rating – 8/10 – Of course I recommend the Rifftrax version of this movie… but yeah, entertainingly bad.
Have a happy holiday season with your loved ones & I'll try to catch you before 2023 rings in!!!
December Movies - Week 2
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Another week of great (and not so great) movies! Gearing up for the Holidays!!!
December 8 – The Last Dragon (1985)
This movie is a hood classic on the level of like… Karate Kid for crackers or something. We meet a young man named Leroy who… may be autistic, but he’s obsessed with being a kung fu master like Bruce Lee. He’s been training for years… and his Master has told him that he needs to see a new Master’s wisdom… title card. Along the way, he runs into a mean kung fu master of the neighborhood Shonuff who wants to beat him down in order to have a stranglehold on the neighborhood… and there’s a video DJ chick (Vanity) who he sees & instantly falls in love with… but she’s wrapped up in some weird music executive’s plot to force her to get his girlfriend’s Cindy Lauper-esque videos on her show but… anyway, hijinx ensue. I really enjoy this movie… and I know it’s not the greatest story ever. Leroy’s little brother was a breath of fresh air as somebody who’s not completely insane… definitely worth a watch if just for the 80’s soundtrack.
Rating – 9/10 – I wouldn’t say a hood classic… but definitely a “you should see it”
December 9 – Robot Holocaust (1987)
This was an early MST3K episode about a post-apocalyptic future where humans are basically controlled by robot overlords… who are also led by The Dark One, which I guess is some sort of all-powerful demon or something? Anyway, when the human’s best scientist is captured, then a group of humans led by his daughter go on a quest to save him… oh & there’s a beautiful woman who can’t really speak who’s given the most dialogue in this movie as some sort of human who flips switches for the Dark One dressed like Mia Sara in “Legend”? It’s a weird one… and it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever… but MST3K helps.
Rating – 7/10 – I have a high standard for my post-apocalyptic movies!
December 10 – Star Hunter (1996)
This is a Predator rip-off from director Fred Olen Ray but is about a busload of teenagers taking a wrong turn into the wrong part of town… and run into Roddy McDowall… who apparently is scout for an alien race that hunts humans. Also along for the ride is the bus driver Stella Stevens & a teenage Zach Ward… but probably the most memorable thing about this is that the “Star Hunter” is obviously the Saurod outfit from “Masters of the Universe” that’s been bleached a little bit (or that may have been the film quality?). We watched the Rifftrax version and that helped… but it’s not the worst that I’ve ever seen.
Rating – 7/10 – Give it a gander if you like the genre… but Roddy McDowall is the biggest name so you know what you’re getting
December 11 – Guardians of the Galaxy Christmas Special (2022)
Disney+ has another special Marvel presentation… and it’s about the crew from Guardians of the Galaxy looking to cheer Star Lord up because… well, he’s been through a lot the past few movies with his girlfriend dying, finding out his long last dad was a living planet… and then had to kill him, and that’s without even realizing that he almost destroyed existence because he couldn’t keep his cool & follow simple instructions. So what do they do? Kidnap Earth’s greatest hero, Kevin Bacon, of course! Hijinx ensue…
Rating – 8/10 – I had a great time with it… but yeah, it’s just a fun skit for a few laughs
December 12 – The Crawling Eye (1958)
The first episode of MST3K on nationwide television… and it’s about a bunch of deaths by decapitation being investigated in the Alps… and it seems to be connected to this mysterious radioactive cloud that doesn’t seem to move (“Nope” you HACKS?!?). Hijinx ensue… and man is it entertaining with MST3K but the movie itself would have just dragged… and then picked up with funny effects in the 3rd act.
Rating – 7/10 – Watch the MST3K version… trust me
December 13 – The Galaxy Invader (1985)
Another MST3K episode… and oddly enough, another Predator rip-off… but more like AVP: Requiem maybe. How? Hillbillies see an alien spaceship crash… so they go to get rich off it or kick its butt! Hijinx ensue. The alien kind of looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon… some of the male characters are completely over-the-top horrible character stereotypes (drunk dad who nobody puts in his place really) but yeah, it’s not a great flick… but hilarious with jokes added!
Rating – 7/10 – Watch the MST3K version… again, trust me
December 14 – R.O.T.O.R. (1987)
The same year as RoboCop comes the story of a company developing robotic android cops, with a lead scientist that looks like Peter Weller honestly, but then the android goes on a killing spree when somebody speeds. Sounds like a sweet movie, right? Well… there are definitely parts of this movie that I liked. There’s some action… but it’s really stilted at times. The acting isn’t the greatest. You may be shocked to know that most of the actors involved with this movie were only involved with this. Overall though, not a horrible watch.
Rating – 7/10 – I’d watch it again with friends… some parts are just hilariously bad… which is why I recommend the Rifftrax version
More fun & merriment on the way!!!
December Movies - Week 1
So... what have we seen this week while getting decked out for the Holidays? Let's find out...
December 1 – Blast (1997)
I’m not sure if you know this… but “Last” IS in the title of this movie B(LAST)! This movie is basically a Die Hard ripoff almost a decade too late… but it stars Linden Ashby (“Mortal Kombat”) as a former medal-winning martial artist (don’t you DARE say Olympics, apparently it’s trademarked) who broke his leg… and got suicidal or something… so now he’s a janitor for a venue where his ex-wife is the swimming team coach… and then they’re taken hostage by international terrorists (led by Andrew Divoff “Wishmaster”) and only the janitor can save the hostages… with some help from the FBI (led by expert Rutger Hauer who’s in a wheelchair & dressed/bronzed to be Native American?). This movie is… pretty fantastic. It’s from the recently late writer/director Albert Pyun (“Cyborg”) and appears to be his interpretation of an American action film… and it’s pretty ridiculous and great.
Rating – 9/10 – There are a few slow parts… but they really cap it off with the mad-cap ending
December 2 – The Outing (1987)
This movie was also known as “The Lamp” and it’s about a bunch of teenagers (played by people obviously in their mid 30’s) who spend the night in a museum after hours (for some reason) and then unleash a deadly force from within the latest exhibit… a lamp! Most of the teenagers in this movie only did this (and it shows) and the leads that have worked in other things aren’t the greatest… but it’s just a dumb 80’s horror movie. Worthy of a drunk watch with friends…
Rating – 8/10 – I simply could not get over how middle aged the teenagers looked…
December 3 – Circuitry Man (1990)
This one is on Tubi… and in the not too distant future, humanity has polluted the planet beyond breathability, so they’ve moved underground… and this is the story of a female bodyguard teams up with a male pleasure android to steal a case of narcotic computer chips (yup) and take them from LA to New York through the underground & barren wastelands… all while being pursued by the dangerous kingpin Plughead (played by Vernon Wells obviously) and… this movie was a LOT better than I thought it was going to be. It’s over the top, post-apocalyptic 80’s craziness & I highly recommend.
Rating – 9/10 – There were a few early scenes that were… hard to watch from editing, but overall a fantastic little watch!
December 4 – Werewolf (1995)
We watched the MST3K version (which is one of my favorite episodes of the show) but the movie itself is about some archeologists (aged Richard Burton, Jorge Rivero with changing wig colors & hot Czech chick with heavy accent) who find the skeleton of a werewolf… and hijinx ensue. The movie is rough… from the bad accents & ADR to the shotty makeup to the ridiculous dialogue but… I still found some pleasure from it, especially when the MST3K crew are cracking jokes. Without them, this is a bad werewolf movie… but definitely not the worst that I’ve seen.
Rating – 5/10 – Definitely check out the MST3K episode though, it’s on Tubi (of course)
December 5 – Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)
The next MST3K episode we watched was TV movie starring RAUL JULIA as a programmer in the not too distant future who’s forced to take a virtual vacation… and then something goes wrong… and they try to bring him back… while he’s having a Casablanca fantasy & simultaneously trying to bring down the establishment from within the machine? It’s a lot… but yeah, Raul Julia is OBVIOUSLY fantastic! Most of the others are okay… but the tech gets a little… Lawnmower Man-y and it’s early 80’s so you know how that goes. The episode was hilarious though.
Rating – 7/10 – Worth a watch to see how great actors take things to the next level… and if you’ve dreamed of Raul Julia looking confused in a duel role in Casablanca!
December 6 – The Last Boy Scout (1991)
A secret service agent turned private eye (Bruce Willis) teams up with a suspended quarterback (Damon Wayans) to bring down a football team owner & senator from bringing sports gambling to California and avenge his slain stripper girlfriend (Halle Berry). Directed by Tony Scott & written by Shane Black, this is basically the perfect buddy action movie & you will not convince me otherwise.
Rating – 10+/10 – Perfection!!!
December 7 – Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
I remembered really liking this movie as a kid, so I thought I’d check it out. Seal team leader turned cook Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal) is taking his niece (teenage Katherine Heigl) to her father’s funeral on a train from Denver to LA… and it happens to be the one where a team of terrorists take control of a satellite weapon (Goldeneye you hacks!?!) so Ryback has to save the day… again. This is prime Seagal… and he still kinda sucks. However, there’s some great ridiculous performances from guys like Eric Bogosian, Everett McGill, Morris Chestnut, Kurtwood Smith & others so… it’s just a dumb action movie with some decent stunts and at the very least, great editing around its star.
Rating – 9/10 – It’s just dumb fun & that’s what I expect from the title.
Happy Holidays everybody!!!
November Movies - Week 5
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
A 5th Week of November?!? Yup... and we watched some movies...
November 26 – Congo (1995)
A telecommunications company looking for diamonds in the Congo loses contact with their expedition team, so they send in their VP of communications / former CIA lady doctor in with secretly with another expedition led by Romanian Tim Curry to help a pair of Berkeley scientist partners reintroduce their gorilla that speak with sign language back into the Virunga jungles because… they don’t want jobs or something. Throw in a battle for power of the region, a lost city of Solomon’s diamond mines, some killer gorillas, cameos from half of Hollywood and you have THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!
Rating – 10+/10 – I had to share this with Katie… she loved it… OBVIOUSLY!!!
November 27 – The Last Unicorn (1982)
This is one of Izzy’s favorite movies as a kid when she had the VHS… and I had a babysitter that for some reason we always watched the last ten minutes on a tape before starting to watch “The Karate Kid” but… it’s based on the beautifully illustrated book by Peter S. Beagle (whom Izzy has met) and has the voice talents of Christopher Lee, Jeff Bridges, Mia Farrow, Angela Lansbury & AMERICA!!! Basically it’s about a unicorn who’s told that she’s probably the last of her kind by a passing hunter… and then confirmed by a butterfly… and so she starts on a quest to find others… and there’s a Red Bull (that apparently does NOT give you wings) and hijinx ensue. Now… kids shows in the 80s apparently really got into existential crises & dark depressing stuff much more than they seem to nowadays… but this movie is beautiful (from Rankin-Bass who brought the 70’s Lord of the Rings shows and 80’s cartoons like ThunderCats) and you should probably check it out!
Rating – 9/10 – I will warn you though… Mia Farrow & Jeff Bridges are not singers by trade… the songs start great and get progressively worse
November 28 – Action USA (1989)
This movie was brought to me by the Grindbin Podcast (it’s on Tubi, you’re welcome) and it’s about a woman who’s boyfriend is murdered (after being beaten, dropped out of a helicopter, an incredible car chase ending in jumping a bus and/or going through an exploding trailer & then blasted) in front of her… and then she finds herself deep into her boyfriend’s illicit side without knowing anything about it… and the only people that can save her are two FBI guys (one if which is Mac’s Dad from Sunny in Philadelphia) and over the top hijinx ensue! The bad guys… are incredibly ridiculous. The good guys… are incredibly ridiculous. The plot… is incredibly ridiculous.
Rating – 10/10 – I loved every single second of this crazy movie!
November 29 – The Last Witch Hunter (2015)
We’re celebrating the “Last” Month on the podcast… so we went with Vin Diesel’s D&D character passion project that bombed… but he still insists there’s a sequel coming. Kaulder (Diesel) is an 800 year old soldier who killed the Queen Witch centuries ago… but he’s still alive slaying witches because of it. Michael Caine is the 35th handler of his affairs… and he’s being replaced by Elijah Wood… and then hijinx ensue & the Queen Witch may be coming back. This movie reminded me a lot like Bloodshot from a few years ago. It’s not… horrible. Just kinda dull & predictable dumb fun. We had seen this a year or so ago & I remembered very little other than the obvious stuff that you probably already know with regards to the cast. It’s a’ight…
Rating – 8/10 – Could be worse… could be better… ends with a horrible take of “Paint It Black” by Ciara
November 30 – Space Mutiny (1988)
Yes, we watched the Rifftrax version of this Star Wars ripoff starring Reb Brown & Cameron Mitchell… but it’s about a pilot saving a spaceship from an internal coup d’etat by the security crew and the golf cart chase scenes are pretty ridiculous. It’s not great… but I’d recommend seeing it with friends. It’s weird that the romantic leads appear to be in their early 40’s but they dress like they’re 16 & 22. Anyway, Rifftrax helps…
Rating – 7/10 – The movie’s a little rough… but laughably rough
December starts in a few hours & I plan to mark off the other 93% of my checklist for 2022 before the end of the month... Pray for Mojo!
November Movies - Week 4
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
And Happy Turkey Day tomorrow... here are some movies that we've seen this past week:
November 19 – King Kong (1976)
I hadn’t seen this movie since “Survey of Cinema” class in high school in 1998… but you all know the story, petroleum company thinks they’ve found an island loaded with oil… stowaway paleontologist Jeff Bridges wants to take pictures of monkeys & birds… they stumble upon a shipwrecked wanna-be Hollywood starlet Jessica Lange… she’s offered by the islanders to their 50-foot tall ape that they worship as a God… hijinx ensue. Yeah, the story’s a little out there… but it’s the remake of a classic that has since been remade a bunch… and this version actually isn’t that bad. There are some parts that are a little bit of a stretch… but the practical effects were so good they brought the whole team back ten years later to do “King Kong Lives” and… apparently it’s 0% on Rotten Tomatoes but I love that movie!
Rating – 8/10 – Not the best version of the classic story… but worth a watch if you haven’t seen it.
November 20 – Psycho Goreman (2020)
We finally watched this horror-comedy released during the pandemic about a little girl Mimi & her brother Luke who stumble upon this stone that controls the most dangerous alien force in the universe that was buried on Earth years ago… and so they name him Psycho Goreman… and the girl’s a psychopath… and hijinx ensue. This movie is hilarious throughout… especially if you’re familiar with the tropes of these kinds of horror flicks involving kids. The movie is super gory, super profane, and just crazy from start to finish. I highly recommend.
Rating – 10/10 – They all learn something important by the end of the movie… but nobody has any idea what it is.
November 21 – Operation Kid Brother (or Double 007) (1967)
Apparently this movie was made with Sean Connery’s brother Neil as a twin brother of a British spy… who’s also a doctor / hypnotist… and stars Bernard Lee & Lori Maxwell and a bunch of other Bond movie actors… and there’s a lot of plastic surgery involved but he’s the only hope save the world… and yeah, this is absolutely an Italian production made right before they brought George Lazenby in to be the new Bond because… well, this was a little rough. The plot is ludicrous, even by Bond standards… that being said though, it’s kind of fun to see how the rest of the world sees Bond movies and their interpretation of them… and how accurate & apt in pointing out the ridiculousness they can be. Oh… and of course we watched the MST3K version, now streaming on Tubi.
Rating – 8/10 – It was funner than most as far as the movie goes… but yeah, definitely a drunk watch with friends.
November 22 – Carnosaur 2 (1995)
Yes, the thrilling sequel to a movie I rated 10 a few weeks ago… and in this one, we pickup up… some time later… at a secret government facility surrounded by desert that has NOTHING to do with the first movie… and they’ve lost contact & nobody knows why… so they send in a bunch of glorified mercenaries or something to reestablish contact… spoilers… it’s dinosaurs (in case you didn’t know the title of the movie you were watching). Hear all about it on our podcast but… you may be surprised with our score!
Rating - ???/10 – It’s a movie about killer dinosaurs… that’s the hint you’re going to get.
November 23 – Attack of the Super Monsters (1982)
Speaking of killer dinosaurs, we were pleased to find a Rifftrax movie recommended to us… set in the year 2000 (from 1982 Japan) where TALKING giant kaiju dinosaurs led by Tyrannus have rose from the depths of Earth to take over Japan.. and the only thing that can stop them is… an animated team of some of the most questionable fighting force you’ve ever seen… basically Voltron. Okay, so this movie is a great weird mix of animation, guys in dinosaurs suits (think Power Rangers), exploding models, and nonsensical storytelling like only Japanese kaiju movies can do. Would I recommend it?
Rating – 9/10 – Absolutely! Yes, how they beat the dinosaurs is painfully repetitive but holy crap it’s exactly what I wanted at the time.
November 24 – Nope (2022)
We finally watched the latest flick from writer/director Jordan Peele (“Get Out” & “Us”) and as you can tell from the previews (yes, even the first ones) it’s about aliens… and a Hollywood ranch in California… and an Old West Amusement Park that neighbors them… and hijinx ensue. That’s really about all I can tell you but… I LOVED this movie. Truth be told, it does start with an ape killing a bunch of people so I’m in from the start… but then you get great performances from everybody (including the return of Michael Wincott), great realistic dialogue as Jordan Peele does so well, a few random weird things thrown in to keep you guessing, but yeah I really enjoyed this movie.
Rating – 10/10 – Check it out! It’s kind of what “Signs” should be. M Night doesn’t know how people talk… or he just doesn’t care.
November 25 – Last Man Standing (1996)
I had to show Izzy a classic from my teenage years that I had seen dozens of times with friends & family… and basically a remake of Kirosawa’s “Yojimbo” and “A Fistful of Dollars” where a gun-for-hire (Bruce Willis) rolls into an old west ghost town during Prohibition Era and gets involved between two warring clans… sorry, I mean the Irish & Italian mobs… but it’s directed by badass Walter Hill and the big baddie is played by Christopher Walken and… yeah, guys… this is a guy movie through & through. The three women you’ll see in this movie are hot and… that’s about it. They’re basically property that Bruce Willis tries to save… everybody else is trying to be an alpha male & only a few can pull it off… and there are LOTS of gun deaths… great flick.
Rating – 10/10 – The story is simple, occasionally stupid, but damn if it’s not entertaining to see Walken play crazy gunman.
Okay, that'll do for this holiday... see you at the next one with a stuffing hangover...
November Movies - Week 3
We've got a wonderful week of our friend Katie coming to visit so some great movies on the way... in the meantime, here's the stuff we watch for fun!!!
November 12 – No Escape (1994)
I remember watching this movie back when it came out… and absolutely loving it. Then it just… kinda slipped away from various formats. The Ray Liotta action vehicle where he’s a soldier sentenced to life on an inescapable prison island where there’s basically the crazy horde (led by Stuart Wilson) and the peaceful livers (led by Lance Henriksen & Ernie Hudson) and hijinx ensue. Well, Unearthed Films has just released DVD & Blu Ray versions of this movie with interviews from the cast & crew, making of specials, etc. and it’s absolutely a great rendering of this movie. So does the film hold up? Absolutely! Director Martin Campbell (next up was “Goldeneye” & “Casino Royale” among others) does a great job of world building the distant future 2022 (yeah, that’s pretty sweet) in a Blade Runner esque dystopia if only for a few moments before basically being in the jungle the rest of the movie… but yeah, everybody does this movie justice.
Rating – 10+/10 – I can’t wait to talk about this on the podcast but it’s just a good fun action flick!
November 13 – Krull (1983)
There were three things that I knew about this movie going in. 1) It’s a Star Wars ripoff; 2) Liam Neeson as in it and 3) The Glave! Everybody knows about the 5-clawed boomerang thing known as The Glave! This was definitely one of those sword, sandal & sorcery movies… meeting with a little intergalactic flare (the bad guys were technically alien invaders, but they could have just been ogres with a magical teleporting castle stronghold) and basically… I didn’t hate it. Yes, it was really cheesy and had some dry British wit in it… but it was very similar to Excalibur as far as just kind of an odd, ethereal feel to the entire movie & there are definitely things in this movie that were both ripped off from other movies & then in turn ripped off in other movies of the 80s… but yeah, I kinda liked it.
Rating – 8/10 – Not my favorite movie of the ilk but… I wouldn’t mind watching it again.
November 14 – The Punisher (1989)
Yes, the Dolph Lundgren version of the Marvel antihero… Batman with a gun… Gatman. I purchased the Umbrella Entertainment version with the original cut & director’s cut and a few great interviews… but we’re here to talk about the movie with Dolph as The Punisher & Lou Gossett as his police chief buddy, teaming up with local druglord Jeroen Krabbe… to go against the Yakuza when they start stealing mob bosses’ children! Yeah! That’s the premise! Honestly… I love the movie. Dolph plays a decent broken man who doubles as a behemoth, the violence is a little over the top but it’s a dark comic. I still like War Zone a little better but… this is one of those early comic book movies that deserves a rewatch.
Rating – 9/10 – This may move up to a 10 after seeing some of the other versions on this DVD but… pretty dang good already.
November 15 – Jeepers Creepers (2001)
I had never seen this movie… but I knew a few things. It was a hit with a bunch of sequels… and the writer/director is a pedophile POS and has been for a long time. Basically it’s one of those road trip horrors… brother & sister on the way to a family reunion or something… and they see something they shouldn’t have… and then do a BUNCH of the stupidest things you’d ever imagine to stay there… and hijinx ensue. I wanted everybody in this movie to die quickly, especially the main characters. They’re f**king annoying & frankly deserve it. The story is ridiculously stupid… especially when they start bringing in the annoying psychic or whatever. The creature design is pretty cool. I’ll give it that. I honestly have no idea why this took off & other 2000’s horror trash didn’t…
Rating – 4/10 – I really didn’t like it…
November 16 – Trucks (1997)
Reading the description, this is basically “Maximum Overdrive” without the copious amounts of cocaine from director Stephen King. It’s based on his story, same basic story, same locations, aliens control trucks or something and hijinx ensue around a gas station/diner. This version stars Timothy Busfield (Poindexter from “Revenge of the Nerds”) and Brenda Bakke (“Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight”) and I noticed about three minutes in that… Izzy & I had already seen this before, about a decade ago when we were looking at Netflix in the Presidio or something. Obviously it’s super-memorable. J That being said, it’s not that bad… basically just a TV movie version of “Maximum Overdrive” without the WAY over the top stuff… and young Uwe Boll favorite Brendan Fletcher is a child actor in this one.
Rating – 6/10 – Maybe only watch if you really like “Maximum Overdrive”?
November 17 – Trapped in Paradise (1994)
We’re guesting on an episode of What Were They Thinking? Podcast for this one… and I hadn’t seen this movie in probably 25 years or so… and the TV edit… but I remembered liking it. Nicolas Cage is a reformed criminal… and this brothers Jon Lovitz & Dana Carvey (playing Mickey Rourke with downs syndrome) are fresh out of jail… and basically trick him into going to this small town to rob the bank there. Hijinx ensue. Now, I’ll say this… watching it as an adult… I didn’t think it was possible but… I think the TV version is a LOT better. The original version is 110 minutes… but when they cut it down to 80-85 minutes for the TV edit, that apparently cuts out a LOT of the parts that just f**king drag… and really aren’t funny, just infuriating with bad family dynamics.
Rating – 7/10 – It wasn’t horrible… but it wasn’t great either. Moments of crazy Cage before it was a big thing.
November 18 – The Hellcats (1968)
Yup, another MST3K movie… but this one was about an undercover cop infiltrating a biker gang (think “Stone” or “Stone Cold”) and hijinx ensue… but it’s starring Ross Hagen & people who probably shouldn’t be in front of a camera portraying bikers unless they want their asses kicked. As usual, the MST3K episode was great… the movie itself wasn’t great at all… but that’s the jist of the show.
Rating – 6/10 – Definitely watch the MST3K episode on Tubi… that’s a 9.
So yeah, that'll do it... please have a great Thanksgiving in the meantime!!!
November Movies - Week 2
Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
We're doing fine... only a little cough left & we'll never trust being around family and friends again... until next time... but plenty of time to watch movies.
November 5 – J.D.’s Revenge (1976)
I had heard of this movie on some list back in the day as one of the worst movies ever made. That is absolutely preposterous! Okay, the premise is that a New Orleans gangster is murdered in the 40’s and takes over the body of a 70’s medical student (played by Glynn Turman) to exact revenge on the man who killed him (Lou Gossett jr). The idea is a little preposterous… but the incredible acting by Glynn Turman as two completely different characters and the struggles in between… and Lou Gossett and just about everybody involved in this movie… I don’t get the hate! I thoroughly enjoyed this movie! The only parts I didn’t particularly care for was the fact that the dead gangster is an absolutely a-hole who doesn’t deserve revenge… but the way the story turns out is pretty top-notch!
Rating – 9/10 – Check it out if this sounds like it interests you at all!
November 6 – Tammy & the T-Rex (1995)
Yes, I have the Vinegar Syndrome release / Gory R-rated cut of “TANNY and the T-Rex” according to the opening titles… about a cheerleader (Denise Richards) whose jealous ex-boyfriend kills her new boyfriend (Paul Walker) but then his brain is put into a robot dinosaur to be used as the computer by a mad scientist (Terry Kizer) and hilarious hijinx ensue. This movie is… baffling. It’s nuts. However, the performances are pretty great from a lot of first-time actors & seasoned vets alike… and though some of the humor doesn’t stand the test of time, I thoroughly enjoy it.
Rating – 10/10 – So glad I stumbled upon this… and hear all about it this DINOvember on Everything I Learned From Movies
November 7 – Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities (2022)
We watched this new eight-episode anthology series on Netflix that was dropped this past week… and it only took us like two nights to watch it all. A majority of the stories seem to be HP Lovecraft stories turned into 40-60 minute episodes and each one done by a different director like Panos Cosmatos (“Mandy”), Jennifer Kent (“The Babadook”) and so on. Now… the atmosphere made by the episodes was all really good… but some of the stories were REALLLLLLY stretched out… and kind of weak to begin with. That being said, I’d say check it out.
Rating – 8/10 – Some were just boring and didn’t really pay off, but that’s like… two of the eight.
November 8 – Prince of Space (1959)
Yes, we watched the MST3K version of this Japanese movie about an alien force that invade Earth and tries to steal a secret rocket fuel… but then a mysterious hero steps in to save the day! He couldn’t possibly be the local shoeshine who disappears whenever something happens, could he? Look… the movie isn’t the greatest… but it also isn’t the worse… and this was honestly one of my favorite MST3K episodes that I’ve ever seen! Highly recommend on Tubi!
Rating – 8/10 – Definitely do the MST3K version though… you won’t miss anything laughing.
November 9 – Invasion of the Neptune Men (1961)
When the last one finished, it automatically started this movie… and I think these were consecutive episodes of MST3K because they made several references to the bad guy from “Prince of Space”… but yeah, this ones about invaders from Neptune… being thwarted by the mysterious hero Space Chief… and hijinx ensue. Again, the movie isn’t that great… but the MST3K episode is great.
Rating – 8/10 – Again, definitely do the MST3K episode on Tubi
November 10 – Bullet Train (2022)
We finally watched the David Leitch directed action behemoth about a bunch of assassins on a Japanese bullet train… and hijinx ensue! Brad Pitt, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Bad Bunny, Zazie Beets, Michael Shannon, Sandra Bullock, a whole bunch of cameos… I really enjoyed this movie. The fighting scenes were good… the action was… a little ridiculous & nonsensical on many fronts… but it kind of comes together towards the end… though not really… overall, just a dumb fun action flick that I enjoyed. Do I put it on the level of his other work like “John Wick”, “Deadpool 2” or “Hobbs & Shaw”? Absolutely not… but still better than most out there.
Rating – 9/10 – Dumb dumb fun! Check it out!
November 11 – Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)
Now playing on the Roku Channel, comes Daniel Radcliffe in the role of a lifetime… as the cultural icon & sexy symbol of multiple generations, Weird Al Yankovic!!! Well, okay… it’s a parody of biopics really… but it’s absolutely hilarious, especially if you’ve seen most of these musical biopics like I have. They really make it completely obvious throughout that it’s not what really happened (because that story is basically he liked making funny songs, got famous, has lived a great life since then, so boring story) but the way that they blow it over the top is just incredible. There’s are lots of hilarious cameos, plot twists, homages to other movies, plus it’s streaming free on Roku so just check it out!
Rating – 10/10 – It does seem a little long at some parts… but luckily it’s pretty good at keeping you laughing throughout.
The Holidays are just around the corner, we have visitors coming starting next week, I'm excited! Have a great weekend everybody!
November Movies - Week 1
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Well... it took THREE Halloweens... but we finally got COVID. Worst part is... we're not sure whether we got it from me going to have dinner with my mom next door, or Izzy hanging with her friends at the Local Artisan Collective as these things happened the same night and BOTH parties went down entirely and tested positive... so it doesn't really matter. Anyway, so we spent Halloween at home watching movies & coughing...
October 29 – Beast (2022)
Idris Elba versus a Killer Lion… seriously… what more do you need in a film? However, for those of you that are hesitant to the premise, he’s a single dad with two teenage daughters on safari… and hijinx ensue. Four key things about this movie: 1) There are a lot of long-take shots… but they’re actually done surprisingly well; 2) Yes, the movie becomes a little predictable with all of the things mentioned in the 1st act that you know are coming back in the 3rd act; 3) The CGI Lion is probably the weakest thing about the film… but it’s still not that bad; 4) I don’t know… I really enjoyed this movie.
Rating – 9/10 – I was expecting a particular building to be filled with lions like “ROAR” towards the end but… yeah, a fun dumb horror movie
October 30 – Barbarian (2022)
This is the new tale of a girl who goes to an AirBNB & it’s double-booked with Bill Skaarsgard… and hijinx ensue. Now, I don’t want to spoil anything… but this movie was great at building tension… and has things happen that make you question decision-making to a high degree… but it was a lot of fun to watch. I’d recommend it if you are into the horror genre & the less you know going in the better.
Rating – 9/10 – The ending was a little rough but… endings are hard, especially for horror.
October 31 – Halloween Ends (2022)
I believe that one of the first posts on this site was for the “Halloween Kills” last year and how dumb of a movie it was in almost every way… so I went into this one with zero expectations other than that the movies will end. How do I feel about the franchise as a whole? Halloween 3 is my favorite & I didn’t mind the Rob Zombie ones at all. For this one, it starts off strong with something different to the series… and then picks up four years after the events of H. Kills, and there’s a young man who slowly loses his mind… and he’s banging Laurie’s granddaughter (by the way, the whole movie takes place over the course of like 3-4 days?) and there are some interesting turns that were great… but also some truly baffling dumb stuff too… but whatever, it’s over now, right?
Rating – 8/10 – Better than I thought but… yeah… don’t want to give spoilers away. Check it out on Peacock.
November 1 – Theodore Rex (1995)
Regarded as one of the worst movies ever made, the Whoopi-dinosaur buddy cop movie that was like a weird hybrid of Super Mario Bros & a horrible SNL sketch… but it has dinosaurs involved. Sure, they’re talking dinosaurs that sound like the groom from Father of the Bride and/or Carol Kane… but is it really that bad?!? Find out on our upcoming episode of Everything I Learned From Movies!!!
Rating - ???/10 – It really could go either way… because there are dinosaurs involved!
November 2 – We’re Back! A Dinosaur Story (1993)
Is this the best 1993 dinosaur movie from the minds of Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Frank Marshall & Universal Pictures? I think that I can comfortably say that it is not. However, this is a Don Bluth animated film… so from the creator of “Secret of NIMH” & “Land Before Time” which are for kids but with a dark twist… and he’s bringing dinosaurs into modern day New York City! So what do I think about it? It’ll actually be the week before the “Theodore Rex” episode so… check it out!
Rating - ???/10 – It even becomes a musical halfway through…
November 3 – Demonoid (1981)
This one is a Mexican movie about a killer demonic hand going around and killing people… so what more could you want? Suzanne Eggers is the main actress and it’s not exactly high art… but I really enjoyed watching it!
Rating – 8/10 – I have a weird thing with killer hand movies, either I love them or hate them… and I didn’t hate this one.
November 4 – A Return to Salem’s Lot (1987)
From the director & star of “The Stuff” comes the sequel to “Salem’s Lot” and it’s now on HBO Max!!! Michael Moriarity is a single father anthropologist filmmaker who goes to… I guess his wife’s hometown of Salem’s Lot after she had been away for 20 years, but her aunt left them a house or something… and then things get weird when he realizes that the town is ran by vampires who want him to document their lives to keep a record of them as the superior race living in secret. Things get REALLY weird when his high school sweetheart is still there waiting for him at the ripe old age of 17 (and he’s in his early 40s) and there’s the debut of Tara Reid as his son’s love interest… and yeah, it’s worth a watch in my opinion!
Rating – 9/10 – I enjoyed it more than the original… but it was also half the length & more like “The Stuff”
Have a great weekend everybody!!!
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing