Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Man, time is flying... we're already almost three weeks into 2023 & I feel like I've done nothing but watch movies & work... oh well...

January 12 – The Hideous Sun Demon (1958)
 
An atomic research scientist is involved in an accident… and now whenever he’s in the sun, he transforms into a murderous reptilian creature… and then immediately returns to human once he’s back in the shade. Pretty easy peasy, right? Just stay indoors… NOPE! Instead this guy goes barhopping & picking up on a blonde lounge singer who may be owned by a Mafioso pimp… takes her to the beach… oh no, sunrise! Repeat this kind of stupid stuff a few more times until the body count rises… then some other scientists come to cover for him like “It’s not his fault” but it 100% is! Yeah, it’s a Rifftrax… but just like any other bad 50’s sci-fi monster movie.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Despite being absolutely horrible plotwise, at least it’s quick about it & doesn’t drag out more than 70 minute or so
 
January 13 – Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)
 
This movie starts off with a first-person POV scene of a man being awoken by his daughter because there are monsters in the house… and it ends up being JCVD & a few goons who then execute his wife & daughter in front of him. Now this man John (Scott Adkins) is on the vengeance warpath… and hijinx ensue. Now, this movie is entirely too long thanks to a lack of editing & overuse of slow motion… however, I enjoyed it because… okay, I’m certain this wasn’t a Universal Soldier movie when it was written. This was about a cult or something that used mind control & had strong elements of David Lynch with just messing with strobes, perception, changing memories, amnesia… and then instead of cult members they’re like “Oh no, they’re Universal Soldiers who just die a lot easier… because I know JCVD & can get Dolph Lundgren too as long as they’re not in any scenes together” (honestly, Dolph is in three scenes anyway, I think).
 
Rating – 9/10 – I enjoyed it as a cap to the UniSol UniVerse but… it’s not the ridiculous fun of the first (and some sequels)
 
January 14 – The Big Lebowski (1998)
 
I did not like this movie the first time I saw it in 2000 or 2001 late one night at a friend’s house. I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe because it’s a little slow & the jokes are subtle and parts of it just have people screaming over one another. That being said, I watched it again around 2004… and then again… and then again… and now it’s probably one of my favorite movies. It’s about a slacker (Jeff Bridges) known as the Dude & he gets caught up in a kidnapping plot… and hijinx ensue. Just watch it.
 
Rating – 10+/10 – I meant what I said… it’s now easily in my Top 5 Movies of All Time
 
January 15 – The Woman King (2022)
 
This film is based upon the Dahomey Amazons in Africa… and is set in the 1820’s if I remember right… but essentially it’s the story of a general in the Dahomey army (Viola Davis) and how they attempt to transition from slavery as a chief export to palm oil… but there’s European forces, other tribes… and for some reason Hollywood thinks it has to throw in a mother-daughter angle… and they just f**king don’t. That being said… hijinx ensue… and this movie was great aside from all of the emotional baggage that they try to throw in. You have a female army fighting to protect their way of life… you don’t need kids involved, it’s implied. Also, I couldn’t stop thinking about Capt. Wanda from “Congo” whenever the king (John Boyega) spoke… but he does a great job as well.
 
Rating – 10/10 – Go check it out!
 
January 16 – Invasion of the Animal People (1959)
 
This was an MST3K watch about group of scientists in Switzerland… sorry, Lapland… and they’re investigating a meteor that hit there… but it ends up being an alien vessel… and they release a yeti on them? Yeah, it’s a 50’s sci-fi thing. The acting isn’t great or anything… but good to make fun of.
 
Rating – 4/10 – Almost nothing made any sense in this movie & it’s 50% stock footage of a plane flying
 
January 17 – The Human Duplicators (1965)
 
This was another MST3K watch about a giant alien (Richard Kiel unshaven) who’s mission is to take over Earth by teaming with an earthling scientist to create “duplicates” of humans that they capture (or get DNA from or something?) and turning them into zombies that do their bidding. One catch though… some white guy is going to try to stop them… oh, and the zombies are apparently made out of porcelain or something & break with the greatest of ease.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Still kind of a fun, dumb movie… and I support Richard Kiel getting work as a fellow giant
 
January 18 – Legionnaire (1998)
 
Yes, we are celebrating Jean Claude Van January again on the podcast (almost out of movies for him honestly) and this one has him as a French boxer who pisses off mobsters and gets away from them by joining the French Foreign Legion, who then immediately send him to Morocco for training & hijinx ensue. This movie has a very “Lawrence of Arabia” feel to it with practical fighting on actual locations & that really comes through. The actors look legit miserable at points & joyous at others with even small victories. The story is a little “Really?” at points but overall, worth a watch.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Beautifully shot & prime straight to video era JCVD

See you next week!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay... another week another bunch of movies... here we go...

January 5 – In Hell (2003)
 
This was one of the few JCVD movies that I hadn’t seen… and friend of the podcast Michael Bailey Smith starred in it… and it’s a prison movie… so what could go wrong? Well, it wasn’t what I expected. JCVD is thrown into a Russian prison because he killed the man who raped & murdered his pregnant wife… and hijinx ensue. Again, maybe the biggest thing was the expectations going in. I expected JCVD to do some martial arts… and he did some fighting but… more like fist fighting really. There was also even more rape than I was expecting in a prison movie (obviously there’s always some) but this one was like “Hey, has it been five minutes yet? Just to be safe throw Billy Campbell in with somebody to go through him like tissue paper!” It wasn’t a bad movie… though there’s definitely some things that are just ridiculous towards the end. Oh & Lawrence Taylor is the narrator so… odd.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Not the greatest but not the worst…
 
January 6 – Magic Christmas Tree (1964)
 
Okay, this was a crazy movie about a boy who gets a ring from an old witch… which when used in conjunction with a magic Christmas tree grants three wishes… hijinx ensue. This was a Rifftrax Christmas special… and it’s great to laugh at but… as far as a movie goes, there’s really not much here worth mentioning.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Definitely watch the Rifftrax version
 
January 7 – Santa’s Summer House (2012)
 
What happens when you give director David DeCoteau a few grand, a mansion that he filmed like a dozen movies at, and access to 90s actions stars Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock & Daniel Bernhardt for a few hours? You get a movie about a bunch of bitchy people who stumble upon Santa’s Summer House and they can work their stuff out (or not) while Santa is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Hijinx ensue… but not really. It’s about 40% establishing shots at the beach or a different angle of the mansion that you’ve seen in a bunch of other sh*tty movies.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Nice to see these actors getting work… but about the only bright spot is Cynthia Rothrock at least trying to do something.
 
January 8 – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)
 
The 2nd cinematic adventure of the world’s greatest detective Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) as he goes to a murder mystery party involving Dave Bautista, Edward Norton, Kate Hudson, Janelle Monae, Jessica Henwick, Kathryn Hahn, Leslie Odom jr and a few other cameos… but he wasn’t invited… hijinx ensue. This movie was written & directed by Rian Johnson (“The Last Jedi”) who did the original “Knives Out” too and… basically it’s just a lot of fun. It’s on Netflix, check it out. I don’t want to spoil anything.
 
Rating – 10/10 – Even if you know who did what… it’s still a lot of fun
 
January 9 – The Dark (1979)
 
This movie is interesting because… the first 80 minutes or so of the movie have absolutely nothing to do with the last five minutes. Basically my understanding of this movie… is Tobe Hooper helped with filming movie to give it a creepy feel because… well, it was a movie about a serial killer going around and killing young ladies in Los Angeles. You have William Devane playing Stephen King who’s looking for his daughter’s killer while also trying to hook up with a newswoman played by Cathy Lee Crosby (the blonde “Wonder Woman” from the 70’s TV movie). Apparently right before the movie was about to be released though… this movie called “Alien” comes up & is amazing… so to capitalize on aliens being successful in movies, they decide to make the serial killer a f**king werewolf with laser beam eyes and add some BS at the beginning of the movie about there being thousands of planets with millions of species just in our universe… so what if one showed up here on Earth? Okay… so how did it get here? Spaceship? Is it just trying to eat by… mauling bodies of women? I can grasp that a hairy humanoid with laser beam eyes is a potential special that came down from another planet, I’ve seen ALL the Predators… but you can’t just have him show up wearing flannel & jeans in the last five minutes of the movie and take out the LAPD because… science?
 
Rating – 7/10 – That being said… I still kind of enjoyed just how f**king pointless most of the movie is… then it takes a sudden turn at the end
 
January 10 – Fun in Balloon Land (1965)
 
Speaking of pointless… this was a Rifftrax watch… and it starts off with about 15-20 minutes of some guys who owns some giant parade balloons in a warehouse… and I can only assume having his kids attempt to reenact nursery rhymes with the giant balloons… and then we get about 30 minutes of a parade in Philadelphia narrated by… I can only assume is his cracked-out niece who’s not even seeing the parade, probably just reading stuff & feigning excitement… and then a kid wakes up & it was all a dream. The end.
 
Rating – 4/10 – Rifftrax helps… but it can only do so much
 
January 11 – Zindy the Swamp Boy (1973)
 
This movie is a Rene Cardona jr directed movie about a fugitive grandpa (played by Rene Cardona III) who lives in the swamp with his grandson Zindy… oh & he has a chimp because it’s the jungle too. The first part is the grandpa teaching Zindy to survive in the jungle/swamp… then the grandpa passes away… and Zindy has to fend for himself… and hijinx ensue. This movie was… actually kind of fun to watch (especially with Rifftrax) because it’s kind of a Mowgli / Huck Finn character with a monkey… but then the ending had me laughing out loud for all the wrong reasons.
 
Rating – 9/10 – Rifftrax will help for some slower parts… but I recommend if you’re a sicko like me

Until next week, true believers!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

What did you watch this New Year's Eve?!? Well, here's what we saw...

December 29 – Christmas Icetastrophe (2014)
 
Alright, we watched this one on the Satanic Temple Wednesday Night Movies… and it’s one of those Syfy Channel disaster movie ripoffs. Basically a meteor hits a small town in Canada or Alaska or something… and it somehow brings a bunch of ice & freezing temperatures that chase people around and freeze them instantly? There’s really not a lot of real reason given for why this happens… just that it does happen, now RUN!!! There’s car chases, boat chases, sweeping through towns, explosions causing MORE ice & freezing temperatures, just complete ridiculousness… and the star is the guy from Scorpion King 3 & 4 (Victor Webster) & directed by the guy who played Bob in Carnosaur 3: Primal Species. Who’s Bob? He doesn’t last long in that movie.
 
Rating – 6/10 – Laughably bad… but a fun watch with friends
 
December 30 – The Menu (2022)
 
A couple (Nicholas Hoult & Anya Taylor-Joy) goes to a secluded island for the ultimate restaurant experience with a world renowned chef (Ralph Fiennes) and hijinx ensue. I don’t want to give a bunch away about this movie… as you probably have an idea of where it goes if you’ve seen the trailer… but it’s kind of a slow build to craziness with… let’s say scathing thoughts about food culture, criticism in general, bad movies, all the stuff you probably love if you’re reading this review. It’s also well done as a heightened perspective of it… though some plot elements fall apart by the end of the movie. I had a lot of fun with it. Izzy isn’t interested.
 
Rating – 8/10 – It’s not particularly gory or anything, just intense & a little nutso, pretty hilarious at points
 
December 31 – Black Adam (2022)
 
The Scorpion King is now a DC Superhero. I mean… it gets more complicated that it’s basically Shazam… who’s the original Captain Marvel… but it’s played in another movie by the guy from “Chuck” but… basically Dwayne Johnson is an ancient Egyptian (though called Kahndaq in the DC world) who’s cursed/blessed with infinite power & is brought back at the exact same time that another unearthly power is being unleashed (ends up being the Devil from Pick of Destiny?). Throw in Aldis Hodge as Hawkman (definitely not Falcon) and a few pointless teenagers (definitely not Storm & Ant Man) and you have DC trying to completely rip off Marvel & the Mummy. That being said… it’s weird that DC has completely shaken up everything after THIS movie was released… but whatever, they’re the company losing billions.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I still had fun watching it… but mostly because of how EVERY. SINGLE. ELEMENT of the movie I had seen before & better… but damn that Dwayne is charismatic, even when he’s playing a non-charismatic character (his character is basically Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy in this one)
 
January 1 – Call Me Miss Cleo (2022)
 
Ever wonder the story behind Miss Cleo from those Psychic Readers Network commercials of the 90’s & early 2000’s? There’s this documentary on HBO Max about her interesting & very questionable rise to popularity and briefly mentioning the two evil white guys who got hundreds of millions of dollars from those commercials… but all anybody remembers about it is Miss Cleo’s fake Jamaican accent, because it’s funnier than the reality. I like that they didn’t shy away from the fact that she kind of ripped off the arts community in Seattle at one point… then did Miss Cleo… then the aftermath led her down a different road.
 
Rating – 9/10 – I’d say check it out… it’s more heartfelt & told by people in her life than you might expect. Raven Symone & Debra Wilson are in it too.
 
January 2 – Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)
 
A carnival rolls into a small town… and it’s led by Mr. Dark (Jonathan Pryce) so hijinx ensue for two kids… a really the rest of the town. This was written by Ray Bradbury back in the 50’s turned into a novel and then made into a movie in the 80s when I guess the technology caught up & Disney put some money behind it… but it’s definitely one of those movies that traumatized my generation. I might have seen it once back in the day… but watching it now, I’d put it in the realm of “Return to Oz”, “The Neverending Story” and others where there are like… scenes with corpses & stuff that may be too scary for young children… but teenagers will probably love it.
 
Rating – 9/10 – I did start to doze off in the middle (long day?)… but yeah, definitely worth a watch
 
January 3 – Blood Beat (1983)
 
A woman is taken to her boyfriend’s family get-together in Wisconsin for Christmas… and they’re all avid deer hunters… and I’m not sure if the mom is supposed to be some sort of psychic scanner or what… but the woman is having visions… and it involves the spirit of a samurai going around & killing people while she’s masturbating… and I had to rewatch the ending three times to see what the explanation was but… it didn’t make any sense. The soundtrack is too damn loud for the dialogue… and spoiler, these actors didn’t really do anything else… yeah, it’s a weird movie.
 
Rating – 6/10 – There’s some interesting independent filmmaking going on here but… yeah, it was rough & I have no idea what was going on
 
January 4 – Best of the Best 4: Without Warning (1998)
 
The fourth installment of the Phillip Rhee-led Best of the Best martial arts movies series… and this one has a CAST with Ernie Hudson, Sven Ole Thorsen, Tobin Bell & more… but basically a martial artist finds himself thrust into some Russian mobsters & a mini disc holding everything they need to counterfeit money… but yeah, action & hijinx ensue. Now… this came in a 12-movie action pack & we watched it for Ernie Hudson… but then friend of the podcast Sven Ole Thorsen popped up with a speaking role… and it built from there. I enjoyed it… and keep an ear out on the podcast for this September… I’m sorry, SVEN-tember!!!
 
Rating – 9/10 – For a straight to video action movie, I really enjoyed this one.

Welcome to 2023 everybody!!! More fun stuff on the way!!!

​Steve