Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Off to our Southern Utah road trip... so until our return... here are a few movies we watched... April 22 – Undeclared War (1990) During our trip to Cincinnati, homey Michael Bagford took us to a record shop that had a Vinegar Syndrome movie section… and he had mentioned that he really enjoyed this one… so Izzy bought it for $35 because she has seemingly limitless funds at her disposal (me). I knew NOTHING about this movie… but basically think “Rush Hour” where a Hong Kong Special Branch cop (Danny Lee) and a CIA agent (Peter Liapsis) team up to bring down a master of disguise terrorist (Vernon Wells) and Olivia Hussey is involved too. From acclaimed action director Ringo Lam (Maximum Risk, Replicant, In Hell) and yeah… this movie did not disappoint at all. Vernon Wells is a treasure as the villain… the action is great… it’s what you want it to be & there are some turns the movie takes that are hilarious & great. Rating – 9/10 – It does drag at some spots where there’s no action… but yeah, give it a watch! April 23 – Destroyer (1988) Tubi recommended this one about a serial murderer (Lyle Alzado) who’s executed in the opening scene… and then we cut to 18 months later where a movie crew (including director Anthony Perkins) are making a schlock film in the now-abandoned prison… and hijinx ensue when the murderer… apparently didn’t die!!! Yup, Lyle Alzado as a maniacal killer months before his untimely death in a prison setting… it’s what you expect. Rating – 8/10 – That being said… it’s a lot of fun with Anthony Perkins playing the director & Deborah Forman (April Fool’s Day) as a stuntwoman April 24 – Hell Baby (2013) This one was recommended by my friend Kaliecia who lives in New Orleans… and you find out why immediately as it’s a comedy about an expecting couple (Rob Corddry & Leslie Bibb) who move into a haunted house in New Orleans… but when it becomes apparently that the wife is possessed & having the devil’s baby… the Vatican is called in! This also stars Paul Scheer, Keegan Michael Key, Rob Huebel, Michael Ian Black & starring/directed by Reno 911’s Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon. My favorite part is probably Keegan Michael Key’s character because… having been to the Big Easy a few times… I know a few of these people who randomly pop up in your house & seem to be your best friends though you barely know them. Rating – 9/10 – A lot of fun poking fun at the exorcism genre… check it out! April 25 – Mean Guns (1997) Director Albert Pyun (RIP) has made some strongly entertaining movies (Cyborg, Blast, etc.) so when I found out there was a movie where crime lord Ice T corrals 100 of his enemies into a new prison to have them fight it out over $10 million… I was in! Wait, Christopher Lambert is the star?!? DOUBLE IN!!! There’s definitely some great parts to this movie (the action primarily) but there’s also a LOT of extra stuff that doesn’t need to be there making it a full two hours. The pacing is bad. There are plot twists that don’t make any sense. Overly dramatic slow motion that leads to nothing. That being said, if you watch this movie at 1.5x speed or something, it’d be quite fun at times. Rating – 6/10 – Not nearly as good as the potential April 26 – Deathcheaters (1976) Friend of the podcast Brian Trenchard-Smith brings you this amazing tale of two best friend / Vietnam vets / stuntmen (John Hargreaves & Grant Page) are recruited by the Australian government to take out a fortress in the Philippines. Okay, actually that’s like the last 30 minutes of the movie. The first hour is their witty hijinx as stuntmen & being general badasses in high speed chases & practicing for other stunts. This movie is great action fun… and the dialogue is surprisingly witty in an Aussie way. I can’t recommend this movie enough for a fun action watch. Rating – 9/10 – It’s not going to be for everybody… but it should be. April 27 – Stunt Rock (1978) Also on the “Man from Hong Kong” Blu Ray from Umbrella Entertainment (like “Deathcheaters”) comes the BTS tale of real life stuntman Grant Page coming to Los Angeles to do a few stunts, have some fun, and hang out with his cousin who’s in the band Sorcery… that has a full live magician stage show with their rock concert!!! That’s basically the plot. Along the way, Grant explains why he’s a stuntman to a reporter (played by Brian Trenchard-Smith’s wife of 48 years) and we got a LOT of flashbacks to past stunts that he did, while also mixing in some new ones in her presence. Is it a great movie? I mean… it’s more like a compilation of Sorcery music videos & Family Guy-esque cuts of flashbacks like “it reminds me of that time I nearly died on the set of Mad Dog Morgan” but… I find it entertaining as all hell. Rating – 8/10 – That being said, the music of Sorcery isn’t great… and that’s half the movie. You see why they add the magic show. April 28 – Neon Maniacs (1986) Another Tubi recommendation where a woman in San Francisco is hanging out with her friends near the Golden Gate Bridge one night… and a bunch of homicidal demon monsters show up & kill everyone else but she gets away! The authorities don’t believe her at all… and then more people go missing… and another teenage boy & preteen girl meet up with her to find out what they are & how to stop them. Now… the monsters & practical effects in this one… are actually pretty dang good. It’s a good quick 90 minute horror flick that you’ll probably enjoy if you like the genre… but while a lot of people in this didn’t do anything else, it’s also the debut of Andrew Divoff (Blast & Wishmaster) who plays the evil doctor demon. Rating – 9/10 – Definitely worth a watch if you’re the fan of the genre April 29 – Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) WHAT?!? A movie before 1981?!? Shut up… yes, the movie that catapulted the Jane Crawford-Bette Davis feud into the stuff of legend… where the now-grown Baby Jane Hudson (Bette Davis) is taking care of her paraplegic older sister (Jane Crawford) but then… she basically starts losing her mind big time & keeps her a prison in her own home while deciding to eliminate her completely. This movie… is really good. Sure, it’s a slooooooow pace at points because it was made 60+ years ago but still suspenseful. The only real drawback is… look… Izzy & I were both watching this & screaming “SAY SOMETHING!!!” to the imprisoned sister when people were visiting or outside her window and… for whatever reason, she did nothing… so we pretty much lost a lot of empathy for her… but that may just be our mentality. Other than that, there’s a reason it’s a classic & now we want to watch the “Feud” series where their feud is brought to you by the creators of “American Crime Story”. Rating – 9/10 – SAY SOMETHING!!!!!! April 30 – Island of Terror (1966) This was a Peter Cushing movie that… I don’t think was Hammer Films but definitely had that sort of feel to it… but on a budget. Basically there’s this remote island town where these creatures show up that look like turtle shells with a tentacle… that liquefies bones of all it touches… and they’re multiplying at an exponential rate. How will they stop them? Honestly… I didn’t really care by the time they figured it out… but it was kind of fun to watch them try & fail a bunch of times. Rating – 6/10 – Not a whole lot to this movie… but a typical 60’s weak horror flick See you in May... maybe... Steve
0 Comments
Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Getting close to that southern Utah trip... but until then... April 15 – Shadowzone (1990) Full Moon Productions brings you the tale of scientists (James Hong & Louise Fletcher) who are experimenting with Extreme Deep Sleep for space exploration purposes… but accidentally find that they’ve opened a dimension containing a creature that can make your worst fears come true! By the way, this is totally not a scientific Freddy Krueger so don’t even start… but it IS one of those movies that is in one location (secret underground bunker in this case, not a space station in the depths of space or an underwater facility or something like that) so you know those are my favorite kind of ISOLATION tales. This movie isn’t… bad… it’s just kind of horribly paced & I started dozing off at a lot of points. I admire that it maximizes the tension (and minimizes the budget) by not even showing a LOT of the creatures or kills off-screen and stuff like that but… man, it kind of shows you why they went that way towards the end… and I even liked the actual creature when it came out… just on a budget. Lo Pan & Kai Wynn (Hong & Fletcher) are their usual greatness… Rating – 8/10 – Real potential but… yeah, pacing issues for me personally April 16 – The Dead Pit (1989) Director Brett Leonard (Lawnmower Man & Virtuosity) has his first movie on Tubi… and it’s about a woman with amnesia being placed into a mental institution… and then a weird ghost surgeon starts making people disappear… or is it all in her mind?!? No… because the first scene is 20 years earlier when the head doctor of the institution kills a surgeon who was doing weird experiments and had a DEAD PIT in the basement… but he killed the surgeon & buried the pit never revealing to anyone… so then why are these things happening now?!? The story is… whatever… but you definitely see how somebody saw this movie & gave Leonard plenty of work with his use of effects, tension in some scenes, and frankly… the lead actress Cheryl Lawson (stuntwoman by trade) is not only VERY easy on the eyes (even a few questionable moments where white T-shirts, lack of undergarments & even firehoses are implemented) but she’s also KILLING IT as a woman who has amnesia & switching between different characters & mentalities. I’m surprised I haven’t seen her in more things (other than stunts in some major motion pictures). Rating – 9/10 – Never really a dull moment… and the finale is the kind of trashy awesomeness that I really enjoy! April 17 – Scanners (1981) The Cronenberg classic about people with special psychic powers called “Scanners”, where there’s a corporation trying to utilize & monetize them… and an underground movement of Scanners (led by the ultra-powerful Michael Ironside) who want to eliminate those that don’t join them & take over the world. Obviously the movie starts off GREAT with the head explosion scene that everybody knows… and though the lead actors (Stephen Lack & Jennifer O’Neill) are really not charismatic, they don’t need to be for the story since they’re supposed to be reclusive and/or sheltered individuals… and the score & pacing is really good at setting that tone where you feel like your head might explode… but yeah, Ironside is the best part… and it’s a great movie that people should watch if they haven’t already. Rating – 9/10 – One of the many reasons that Cronenberg is an institution now… and even his son April 18 – White Pop Jesus (1980) This was another Satanic Temple Movie Night watch… and it’s basically an Italian Jesus Christ Superstar… where basically Jesus comes back during modern (80’s Italy) times & through basically wandering around… surrounds himself in followers (mostly busty women who desperately want to feel his warm salvation all over their faces) & takes on the mafia… or really some sort of weirdly violent corporation or something? It was the subtitled version and… honestly, I had a lot of fun watching this movie! The songs were… catchy & ridiculous so for being a bad VHS rip of an Italian musical (oddly similar to Bollywood at points), I found myself enjoying it. Rating – 8/10 – Musicals typically aren’t my thing… or Jesus movies… but this one worked. April 19 – Born to Be Wild (1995) I had never seen this movie because… well, there was another ape that knows sign language movie that caught my interest at 14 years old that summer… and it’s CONGO!!! Basically this one is about a a-hole kid whose mom punishes him by making him work with her on gorilla research… and then a flea market owner calls his lease back on the gorilla & the kid breaks the gorilla out & they go on a road trip to sweet freedom in Canada. Friend of the podcast John C McGinley shows up towards the end because… he was in a few 0% on Rotten Tomatoes movies in the mid-90s but… he’s great! The movie is… actually not horrible… but I think the #1 problem is that the tone is ALL over the place. Whimsically dumb kids show… meets trying to be a drama about troubled kids with separated parents… and then just a weird haphazard string of circumstances that go nowhere… but yeah, I’ve seen FAR worse ape movies. Rating – 7/10 – Not great… but definitely not the worst… and streaming everywhere for free. Check it out & let me know what you think! April 20 – Scanners II: The New Order (1991) After watching the original Scanner for the first time through, I was curious how the sequels would compare. In this one from Quebecer director Christian Duguay (Screamers) we pick up 20-25 years after the original & there’s this kid going to medical school… and he has scanner abilities… and then he finds out that the government has taken over for the corporation from the first movie & now THEY’RE using scanners for their own nefarious plots (mostly assassination & mind reading). It’s basically shot like a film noir a lot of the time… and the best performance is from the villain Peter Drak (played by Raoul Max Trujillo) as he hams it up knowing what movie he’s in. Rating – 8/10 – Not the original, but honestly not too bad… just a little slow at spots April 21 – Scanners III: The Takeover (1991) That’s right… later that same year comes the 3rd installment from the same director… and I think he basically said “Screw it! I’m not getting to do a 4th installment, let’s crank it up to 11!!!” In this one, we start off with a scanner guy in his early 20s accidentally killing his friends… so he goes off to a Thai monastery. His sister finds out that she has scanner powers… and luckily her dad is developing this drug that makes them stronger… and within a week she goes from a meek pretty thing to a goddamn X-Men villainess… and there’s only one scanner that might be powerful enough to stop her… but he’s in Thailand. What happens throughout this movie… is craziness that’s fun & has to be seen… I REALLY enjoyed it… Rating – 10/10 – Can’t wait to talk about this one again on the podcast with others… it’s crazy fun! Until next time, true believers... Steve Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Oh boy... we've got some interesting ones this week... April 8 – Dawn of an Evil Millennium (1988) Next up was this 20 minute Super-8 film from Damon Packard about a demon going to Earth and hopping in an Oldsmobile to conduct a road-rage killing spree… but really it’s just showing show footage can be cut weird & keep the viewer “on their toes”. Visually, it’s pretty good… the audio is basically just gargled noises like death metal except for the occasional stolen excerpt from a familiar movie… but overall, pretty high energy & definitely more intriguing than “In Our Garden” Rating – 5/10 – Worth a watch maybe if you can find it but… it’s 20 minutes April 9 – Killer Bean Forever (2008) Last up for us was this CGI-animated movie about a world of sentient coffee beans… and the assassin Killer Bean is sent into Beantown to take out the warehouses of the mob boss Cappucino… and hijinx ensue. Think of this as a bloodless action movie starring semi-goofy coffee beans wearing a mix of Matrix-style & film noir outfits and doing a straight action movie with cheesy dialogue & all. Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Well… it’s actually pretty well done for what appears to be a passion project done by maybe 5-6 people doing the writing, voices, catering, all of the above. Aside from a lot of staring pauses for a few extra seconds while the music plays, it’s beat for beat action flick… and kinda fun with the awkward characters doing the action. Rating – 7/10 – If this sounds like it might be your jam, check it out! April 10 – Cocaine Bear (2023) Yup, 2023 movies are making their way to the home entertainment market now… and I’ve been excited for this one for a few years now. Elizabeth Banks directed, based on a true story (in the faintest of ways) about a group of people (moms, children, drug dealers, park rangers, etc) who find themselves in a forest… shortly after a HUGE stash of cocaine was dumped via airplane for pickup… but a bear got to it first… and now (instead of the real story where it immediately died of a heart attack) you have a coked-out furry killing machine on the search for his next fix by any means necessary… and hijinx ensue. The movie was hilarious, a little vulgar & just about everything you could hope for. My only criticisms… I have no idea why the little girl survived the first act… and Baby Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson jr) doesn’t seem to realize that he’s supposed to be in the 1980’s or giving much of a f**k about his role in the movie… but everybody else is EXCEPTIONAL! Rating – 9/10 – Definitely recommend checking it out! April 11 – Rustlers’ Rhapsody (1985) I heard about this movie for the first time on the Quentin Tarantino podcast… and heard that it’s a parody of Old Western serials from the 40’s & 50’s from the director of “Police Academy” and starring Tom Berenger as the lead. Basically Rex O’Hallahan (Berenger) is the star of one of these serials… but then it takes on 80’s meta sensibilities and he starts to realize that the same thing keeps happening every small town he goes into… he’s the good guy, there’s a bad guy, an asexual female character or two that falls for him, the town drunk turned sidekick, etc. and it sounds like it’d be repetitive & contrived but… this movie was actually a LOT of fun! I especially liked GW Bailey’s drunk exposition turned sidekick character. Rating – 9/10 – If you’re a fan of the Old Western genre, or parodies of it (like Blazing Saddles) then definitely check it out! April 12 – Dead Space (1991) You all know that I LOVE Deep Space horror movies… so when I found out there was an early 90’s Roger Corman produced one starring Bryan Cranston & Beastmaster (Marc Singer) on Tubi… then you know it was about to be watched. It checks all the marks for the genre… distress signal on a space station near Saturn, organism on the loose, two-faced scientists characters, lead is a bit of a dimwit with a robotic sidekick, plenty of fodder… but the one that holds this movie back is that the Corman production limits really start to show on the Tubi version at least. It was down in the “Lords of the Deep” level of film quality (and awfully fitting to the ridiculous pre-Photoshop poster) but if that’s your bag, then check it out… Rating – 7/10 – Decent but slow at times and… yeah, a little dumb… but this is my genre April 13 – MVP: Most Valuable Primate (2000) From the people who brought you “Air Bud” and the cinematic universe that it spawned… comes an ape playing hockey!!! Yes, we’re watching this for Ape-ril… and it actually paired up pretty well with us watching a lot of hockey related comedy in “Letterkenny” & its spinoff “Shoresy” but… yeah, it’s kids finding a chimp in the Canadian wilderness… and hijinx ensue. The chimp actors were great… the kids grew up to do things too… what else can I really say about the movie? Find out on the podcast… Rating - ???/10 – Everything I Learned From Movies… April 14 – Making Contact (1985) Roland Emmerich makes movies… scratch that, he makes Hollywood blockbuster FILMS… usually in the disaster genre because it’s big special effects, questionable story & situations, but we tend to love them anyway… even the REALLY bad ones. Ever wonder what his first movie was? Well, it’s on Tubi… and it’s in the mid-80’s after E.T. & Poltergeist made a bunch of money… so this story starts off with a funeral where a boy has just lost his father… but he then starts communicating with his deceased father on a glowing toy phone… and stumbles upon a possessed ventriloquist doll… and now the boy has telekinetic powers… and hijinx ensue. Is it a coherent movie? Sort of… The special effects and stuff are actually pretty decent for a movie made in the mid-80’s on a shoestring budget… but yeah, there’s a lot of head-scratching in this movie… Rating – 8/10 – That being said… worth a watch if you like that 80’s movies feel… it steals from ALL the big hits of the time! Getting close to my birthday road trip with the wife & dog through Southern Utah... Perhaps I'll post pictures here... or on Facebook at @EILFMovies to be safe! See you next week! Steve Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Sorry I'm a few days late... website issues... but here we go... April 1 – Buddy (1997) Allegedly based on the true story of a 1920’s socialite who… let’s face it, was absolutely insane & had unlimited means… decides that on top of her chimp children that she’s been raising wants to raise a gorilla at her palatial estate as well… and her doctor husband (remember when being a doctor meant you were exceedingly wealthy?) does nothing but support her craziness because… I assume she’s dynamite in the sack. The real story is much more… of the time… but this is the first Jim Henson Picture & the animatronics aren’t bad at all… but it’s just hard to get into the story of crazy hoarding of animals… so we talked about it on the podcast for Ape-ril!!! Rating – 6/10 – The story is stupid but… the movie is at least impressive to watch & nobody mails it in April 2 – Demon Seed (1977) A scientist (Fritz Weaver) creates an AI supercomputer (voiced by Robert Vaughn so you know it’s gonna be evil) that then becomes obsessed with human beings… specifically the scientist’s estranged WIFE (JULIE CHRISTIE!!!). What ensues was… honestly a VERY creepy adaptation of a Dean Koontz novel because… well… the AI decides that he wants to have a CHILD with the wife… and this was a major MGM movie!!! Sounds really dumb, right? Well… I actually really enjoyed it… especially the special effects that come up towards the end with the computer’s apparatuses but… yeah, check it out on Tubi!!! Rating – 9/10 - Very intriguing film that… is up my alley but I can see how it might not be up somebody’s April 3 – The Mutations / The Freakmaker (1974) Speaking of scientists, here’s the story of another (Donald Pleasance) who decides that he wants to cross humans… with PLANTS!!! Throw in an entire REAL circus troupe as costars & Dr. Who (Tom Baker) as the deformed lead henchman and… yeah, this one gets a little weird too as you might imagine. Rating – 8/10 – Again, I really enjoyed the creepiness & silliness in this film but… it’s not for everybody April 4 – Screamers (1995) In 2078, there’s an interplanetary war between factions on Earth… and at one outpost on a far off moon, there’s a commander (Peter Weller) whose basically asked to meet with the other side for a peace treaty… but along the way finds out that there are a bunch of robots trying to kill him… and things are not what they seem! Look, Peter Weller looks like he could not give less of a f**k in this movie most of the time, but the rest try as they might… and the story is pretty intriguing with potential twists & turns and trying to understand what they can really believe they’re being told… so yeah, if you want to get into the story, you really can. Rating – 8/10 – That being said, I enjoyed it… but again… not everybody’s bag of tea, I’m sure. April 5 – The Zero Boys (1986) There’s a trio of glorified paintballers who go camping with three hot young girls (one is Kelli Maroney as a girlfriend prize that the lead won from his opponent?) but then hijinx ensue… and they end up at somebody else’s cabin (WHERE THEY OBVIOUSLY WERE LIVING & EXPECTING TO BE THERE THAT NIGHT) and then they have to fight to survive! Look, I’m all for the standard “cabin in the woods” horror movie which this movie absolutely is… just the setup is a little… farfetched & unnecessary for the end means to start happening. There’s some interestingly shot scenes, especially when weapons are involved… but yeah, it’s your basic trope story. Rating – 8/10 – If this is your bag, then you’ll probably enjoy it. April 6 – Nukie (1987) Okay… so I enjoy Mac & Me, the knock-off of E.T. that came out in the mid 80’s… so when I heard there was a South African dollar store knock-off version of MAC & ME (not even E.T.) & it starred Steve Railsbeck (“Turkey Shoot” & “Lifeforce”), then you KNOW I had to find a way to watch it. Shout out to the Bloody Bits Horror Show Podcast & their Blood Bank for hooking me up!!! Okay, a pair of alien brothers (Nukie & Miko) crash on Earth… but somehow, Miko’s in America & Nukie is in Africa… and they try to find one another… but there’s also some government doctors involved… and a pair of brothers in Africa (Tiko & Toki) who help Nukie… and Glynis Johns pops up as a nun for some reason… hijinx ensue. Rating – 5/10 – This movie is ROUGH… but I’m glad that I got to at least experience it for myself… April 7 – In Our Garden (2002) Okay, so for the next few, The Satanic Temple hosts movie nights on Wednesdays… and they’re weird movies that friend of the podcast Lucien Greaves selects for viewing pleasure (or outright confusion). The first one up this evening was this story about a 60 year old widow who lives in a trailer park & hooks up with a crack addicted ex-cop… and hijinx ensue. This one was written & directed by Guiseppe Andrews (young actor who played Lex in Detroit Rock City & Troy from Independence Day) when he was 23 years old… and basically seems like he got his aunt & random cousin to just read his ridiculous script with no second takes… and honestly EVERY SINGLE SCENE is out of focus & with horrible settings on the camcorder… except for maybe the one where you see the cop’s cock while he’s taking a shower. The show is… a ROUGH watch visually (because of the horrible settings, not actors in their 50s) but it can be mildly entertaining to hear bad actors read stupid dialogue for 90 minutes straight. Rating – 4/10 – I saw it once… it was mildly arthouse… but yeah, seems to be purposely bad in composition Probably gonna drop the next batch in a day or two... enjoy!!! Steve |
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing Archives
December 2024
Categories |