Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Christmas has come & gone... we got some sweet gifts, spent time with family (well, some of us anyway) and now we're getting reports ready to go into 2023 prepared. Oh & we're also watching movies...

December 22 – Devil Doll (1964)
 
Do you like killer doll movies? Like “Child’s Play” & that “M3GAN” movie coming out soon? How about killer ventriloquist doll movies like “Magic” & “Dead Silence”? Well, this was the 60’s version of that. A creepy ventriloquist who doesn’t blink has a doll that he locks up in a cage at night because… he’s ALIVE!!! He’s an evil Pinocchio or something… and yes, there’s parts where it’s obvious he’s played by a little person wearing a mask… but in spite of its molasses pace (because it’s really like a 30 minute episode of Night Gallery stretched out to 80 minutes) it’s mildly intriguing because… again, based on the parts of the movie that are slightly inept, you honestly have no idea what’s going to happen.
 
Rating – 8/10 – It’s no “Magic” or “Dead Silence” but… give it a gander. Rifftrax may help as it is very slow in some parts.
 
December 23 – Gunslinger (1956)
 
This was another MST3K episode where a woman’s sheriff husband is gunned down in the Old West… so she becomes sheriff & tries to bring her husband’s killers to justice. Well, hijinx ensue when she starts an odd relationship with the mercenary called in to kill her! Yeah, it’s not the greatest western ever made… but it’s directed by Roger Corman so… that gets it a few points.
 
Rating – 6/10 – So many better westerns out there… check some of them out instead… but MST3K helps
 
December 24 – SHAQ (2022)
 
This is a new HBO documentary series about the life & times of basketball legend Shaquille O’Neal from growing up as an Army brat, working hard to become an absolute FORCE in basketball for a decade-plus, the highs & lows along the way, and then the downward spiral of age. Shaq has charisma, absolutely. I really enjoyed the stroll through memory lane as I was a teenager coming up during these times too & NEVER got close to the glory of Shaq… as few have. That being said, I feel like the release of this a few years post-Kobe left a VERY important resource out of some sections (particularly episode 3) but great interviews and commentary from people like Phil Jackson, Jeanie Buss, Rick Fox, Derek Fisher, Shaq’s family, former coaches & more.
 
Rating – 9/10 – Definitely worth a watch if you’re a basketball fan
 
December 25 – Supernatural (2005-2020)
 
That’s right… we watched ALL 15 SEASONS… over 300 episodes… of a show about two brothers driving around in an Impala hunting monsters… at least for the first season or two… then it gets REALLY into the whole Heaven & Hell thing… and then they die a few times… and come back as angels… or demons… or I think God once… and then about twice a season they’ll throw in some actual monsters… and it keeps going… and going… and going. Look, here’s what I would recommend. If you like the first season or the premise, go to the end of Season 5. Season 6 is ROUGH. Season 7 is better but… it doesn’t really get much better for the LAST 8 SEASONS except for like… five episodes TOTAL!!! That being said, the show is one part fun with three parts drama and enough guest stars to keep it mildly interesting.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Look, I would have pulled a HARD out if it were really that bad… it’s just a little repetitive after over 300 episodes…
 
December 26 – Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)
 
That’s right, the remake of the JCVD classic starring friend of the podcast Alain Moussi (this, sequel & Jiu Jitsu) in the Kurt Sloane role, Dave Bautista as Tong Po & JCVD as the master that helps Kurt along the way. You know this story if you’ve ever seen a JCVD movie. Brother is killed in an underground Muay Thai tournament, revenge is vowed, Muay Thai training montages, final fight! That being said… there are MANY far worse versions of this movie.
 
Rating – 9/10 – This is where I started to realize that Bautista could be a decent actor… and he’s grown since then
 
December 27 – The Werewolf of Washington (1973)
 
Okay, so a DC reporter is sent to Hungary of some sort of diplomatic mission (he was banging the First Daughter) and while he’s there… he is bitten by a werewolf. When he returns to DC, hijinx ensue. A “young” Dean Stockwell is the reporter… and the tone of the movie is kind of dark comedy-horror… but like 50% horror, 50% political satire of the time (think Nixon about a year before he resigned) and Stockwell is great in his portrayal of a man unhinged… though the special effects are on the same level as the 30’s Wolfman movies, just in color.
 
Rating – 8/10 – You can probably guess how the movie ends but… definitely worth a watch
 
December 28 – Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
 
Seven years after the original Universal Soldier catapulted the careers of JCVD, Dolph Lundgren & director Roland Emmerich… comes the OFFICIAL sequel that has since been torn from canon in the following sequels. Basically JCVD comes back as the same character from the original… but he’s no longer a Unisol (cyborg) that he was in the first movie, I guess they 7 of 9’d him and removed all his Borg implants or something… and he’s going against a new supercomputer SETH who’s been transplanted into the perfect body (Michael Jai White) who also controls all the Unisols (including WWE’s Goldberg) and hijinx ensue. We’ve got an episode coming on the podcast for this one but… it’s basically just explosions, fights, titties, etc. and it’s the only thing that the director has directed (though he’s a very accomplished 2nd unit director) and he was brought on at the last minute.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I mean… if you’re looking for ridiculous cyborg fights & explosions, this is your jam!

See you next year!!!

Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

The holidays are literally at the doorstep & the Winter Solstice is upon us!!! So stay warm by the fireplace and watch some movies with us...

December 15 – Sisters of Death (1976)
 
So the movie starts out with a sorority initiation, you know… all that cloak & dagger BS you hear about in college, but ugh… then one of the pledges get shot in the head during a “trust blast” or something. Cut to 7 years later… and the girls at the scene are being sent mysterious letters to meet in Paso Robles, California for a reunion or something… and hijinx ensue. Now, this movie is pretty ridiculous. There are some long takes that could be tightened up easily because it’s waiting for people to walk or park or whatever, the choices the characters make are questionable at best, the dialogue is meh… but I still had fun with it. You can kind of piece together what’s going to happen but… yeah, it’s just kind of ridiculous leading up to the reveal.
 
Rating – 7/10 – You could do a lot worse… and there’s a Rifftrax version
 
December 16 – Death Promise (1977)
 
What? Another Rifftrax version of a movie? Yes, but this one is a martial arts vengeance tale about a man whose father is killed by wealthy slumlords… and oh man, some of the topics that come up in this 70s movie hit harder today with the greed of developers & real estate. The fight scenes are okay… the plot is fairly predictable in that you kind of know that it’s going to end a little stupid… but yeah, I’d recommend a watch.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I’m a sucker for martial arts movies
 
December 17 – Dark Future (1994)
 
When humans are decimated by a plague in the 21st century (huh?), the remaining apparently live underground as sex slaves to cyborgs who rule with an iron fist. From director Greydon Clark (“Uninvited” and other cheap trash) and starring Darby Hinton (“Malibu Express” ten years later) and I think other actors that only worked in this or other Greydon Clark movies, yeah… it’s an absolute mess of a movie… but a fun watch with your friends on Rifftrax. There’s the bones of a good movie here though… it’s called Reverse Westworld… Eastworld?!?
 
Rating – 6/10 – Fun to laugh at… that’s about it
 
December 18 – The Last Starfighter (1984)
 
Okay, this is one from my childhood that I saw a bunch on TV on like Saturday Matinees… and it fits with our theme the “Last Month” so we watched it for the podcast. Basically a trailer park kid named Alex (with a smoking hot girlfriend played by friend of the podcast Catherine Mary Stewart) is good at an arcade game, which is actually a recruiting tool for an intergalactic space force, so then he basically gets tricked into joining the space force as a pilot because he’s so good at it. The special effects are a little dated by today’s standard but… honestly it’s not that bad because a lot of the practical stuff matches with the CGI perfectly. Like the futuristic car that Centauri drives matches well with the base in the fake planet shots, etc. It’s also just a fun kids movie really with a lot of heart.
 
Rating – 10/10 – It got the Catherine Mary Stewart bump from a 9… but yeah, check it out! They keep talking about a remake but… it’s just talk until it hits theatres (or streaming)
 
December 19 – Sherlock Holmes in The Woman in Green (1945)
 
We also watched a Rifftrax of this Basil Rathbone portrayal of Sherlock Holmes where there’s a serial killer taking out women daily and severing their fingers. Scotland Yard is at a loss… except that it’s probably “some big friggin’ guy” as they would say in Boondock Saints. Holmes however thinks that it might be the work of the most diabolical mind to have ever lived… there’s only one thing though… Dr. Moriarty was hung for his crimes already! How could HE still be murdering these women? Hijinx ensue. I liked it… there’s a lot of the kind of dialogue that you would expect in this sort of tale… and though a lot of the contrivances you’ve seen dozens of times before are done, at least they’re done fairly well. Watson was a boob… but apparently that’s the Nigel Bruce portrayal in the 40’s instead of the competent sidekick in other versions I’ve seen.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Holmes movies are worst when they’re just boring… and this one’s only like 65 minutes so I don’t think it had time for that.
 
December 20 – No Retreat No Surrender (1986)
 
For January, our theme is Jean-Claude Van January (like the 4th month we’ve had dedicated to the Muscles from Brussels) and so we’re going with the 2nd movie where he was actually credited (he was in the Breakin’ movies as a backup dancer & only earlier credit role is as “Gay Karate Man” in Monaco Forever). This movie is about a teenage boy who idolizes Bruce Lee… and befriends a kid when he moves to Seattle after his dad is crippled by a Russian karate man (JCVD) working for the NYC Karate Mafia after they tried to take over his dojo (in LA by the way) but then hijinx ensue when the teenage boy runs away from home to live in an abandoned crack house & the Ghost of Bruce Lee himself shows up to train him. The movie is a trip…
 
Rating – 10/10 – This movie is always fun to watch with friends… and I blame the friend RJ. There’s a lot going on in this movie that’s NEVER explained.
 
December 21 – The Bride & the Beast (1958)
 
I was won over reading the synopsis that a woman married a man with a gorilla (which apparently she didn’t know before they were married?) and then through hypnosis she was the Queen of the Gorillas in a past life… Yup, I’m watching this! THEN I found out that the writer was… Edward D Wood jr… Ed Wood himself (along with writer/director Adrian Weiss) so… absolutely I’m watching this movie. To say this movie is chauvinistic is putting it quite lightly… but yeah, there’s an idiot great white hunter husband… the wife is I’m assuming a product of her upbringing… a guy in an ape suit… and yet, it’s so bad that I honestly had no idea what was going to happen.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Of course I recommend the Rifftrax version of this movie… but yeah, entertainingly bad.

Have a happy holiday season with your loved ones & I'll try to catch you before 2023 rings in!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Another week of great (and not so great) movies! Gearing up for the Holidays!!!

December 8 – The Last Dragon (1985)
 
This movie is a hood classic on the level of like… Karate Kid for crackers or something. We meet a young man named Leroy who… may be autistic, but he’s obsessed with being a kung fu master like Bruce Lee. He’s been training for years… and his Master has told him that he needs to see a new Master’s wisdom… title card. Along the way, he runs into a mean kung fu master of the neighborhood Shonuff who wants to beat him down in order to have a stranglehold on the neighborhood… and there’s a video DJ chick (Vanity) who he sees & instantly falls in love with… but she’s wrapped up in some weird music executive’s plot to force her to get his girlfriend’s Cindy Lauper-esque videos on her show but… anyway, hijinx ensue. I really enjoy this movie… and I know it’s not the greatest story ever. Leroy’s little brother was a breath of fresh air as somebody who’s not completely insane… definitely worth a watch if just for the 80’s soundtrack.
 
Rating – 9/10 – I wouldn’t say a hood classic… but definitely a “you should see it”
 
December 9 – Robot Holocaust (1987)
 
This was an early MST3K episode about a post-apocalyptic future where humans are basically controlled by robot overlords… who are also led by The Dark One, which I guess is some sort of all-powerful demon or something? Anyway, when the human’s best scientist is captured, then a group of humans led by his daughter go on a quest to save him… oh & there’s a beautiful woman who can’t really speak who’s given the most dialogue in this movie as some sort of human who flips switches for the Dark One dressed like Mia Sara in “Legend”? It’s a weird one… and it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever… but MST3K helps.
 
Rating – 7/10 – I have a high standard for my post-apocalyptic movies!
 
December 10 – Star Hunter (1996)
 
This is a Predator rip-off from director Fred Olen Ray but is about a busload of teenagers taking a wrong turn into the wrong part of town… and run into Roddy McDowall… who apparently is scout for an alien race that hunts humans. Also along for the ride is the bus driver Stella Stevens & a teenage Zach Ward… but probably the most memorable thing about this is that the “Star Hunter” is obviously the Saurod outfit from “Masters of the Universe” that’s been bleached a little bit (or that may have been the film quality?). We watched the Rifftrax version and that helped… but it’s not the worst that I’ve ever seen.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Give it a gander if you like the genre… but Roddy McDowall is the biggest name so you know what you’re getting
 
December 11 – Guardians of the Galaxy Christmas Special (2022)
 
Disney+ has another special Marvel presentation… and it’s about the crew from Guardians of the Galaxy looking to cheer Star Lord up because… well, he’s been through a lot the past few movies with his girlfriend dying, finding out his long last dad was a living planet… and then had to kill him, and that’s without even realizing that he almost destroyed existence because he couldn’t keep his cool & follow simple instructions. So what do they do? Kidnap Earth’s greatest hero, Kevin Bacon, of course! Hijinx ensue…
 
Rating – 8/10 – I had a great time with it… but yeah, it’s just a fun skit for a few laughs
 
December 12 – The Crawling Eye (1958)
 
The first episode of MST3K on nationwide television… and it’s about a bunch of deaths by decapitation being investigated in the Alps… and it seems to be connected to this mysterious radioactive cloud that doesn’t seem to move (“Nope” you HACKS?!?). Hijinx ensue… and man is it entertaining with MST3K but the movie itself would have just dragged… and then picked up with funny effects in the 3rd act.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Watch the MST3K version… trust me
 
December 13 – The Galaxy Invader (1985)
 
Another MST3K episode… and oddly enough, another Predator rip-off… but more like AVP: Requiem maybe. How? Hillbillies see an alien spaceship crash… so they go to get rich off it or kick its butt! Hijinx ensue. The alien kind of looks like the Creature from the Black Lagoon… some of the male characters are completely over-the-top horrible character stereotypes (drunk dad who nobody puts in his place really) but yeah, it’s not a great flick… but hilarious with jokes added!
 
Rating – 7/10 – Watch the MST3K version… again, trust me
 
December 14 –  R.O.T.O.R. (1987)
 
The same year as RoboCop comes the story of a company developing robotic android cops, with a lead scientist that looks like Peter Weller honestly, but then the android goes on a killing spree when somebody speeds. Sounds like a sweet movie, right? Well… there are definitely parts of this movie that I liked. There’s some action… but it’s really stilted at times. The acting isn’t the greatest. You may be shocked to know that most of the actors involved with this movie were only involved with this. Overall though, not a horrible watch.
 
Rating – 7/10 – I’d watch it again with friends… some parts are just hilariously bad… which is why I recommend the Rifftrax version

More fun & merriment on the way!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon,

So... what have we seen this week while getting decked out for the Holidays? Let's find out...

December 1 – Blast (1997)
 
I’m not sure if you know this… but “Last” IS in the title of this movie B(LAST)! This movie is basically a Die Hard ripoff almost a decade too late… but it stars Linden Ashby (“Mortal Kombat”) as a former medal-winning martial artist (don’t you DARE say Olympics, apparently it’s trademarked) who broke his leg… and got suicidal or something… so now he’s a janitor for a venue where his ex-wife is the swimming team coach… and then they’re taken hostage by international terrorists (led by Andrew Divoff “Wishmaster”) and only the janitor can save the hostages… with some help from the FBI (led by expert Rutger Hauer who’s in a wheelchair & dressed/bronzed to be Native American?). This movie is… pretty fantastic. It’s from the recently late writer/director Albert Pyun (“Cyborg”) and appears to be his interpretation of an American action film… and it’s pretty ridiculous and great.
 
Rating – 9/10 – There are a few slow parts… but they really cap it off with the mad-cap ending
 
December 2 – The Outing (1987)
 
This movie was also known as “The Lamp” and it’s about a bunch of teenagers (played by people obviously in their mid 30’s) who spend the night in a museum after hours (for some reason) and then unleash a deadly force from within the latest exhibit… a lamp! Most of the teenagers in this movie only did this (and it shows) and the leads that have worked in other things aren’t the greatest… but it’s just a dumb 80’s horror movie. Worthy of a drunk watch with friends…
 
Rating – 8/10 – I simply could not get over how middle aged the teenagers looked…
 
December 3 – Circuitry Man (1990)
 
This one is on Tubi… and in the not too distant future, humanity has polluted the planet beyond breathability, so they’ve moved underground… and this is the story of a female bodyguard teams up with a male pleasure android to steal a case of narcotic computer chips (yup) and take them from LA to New York through the underground & barren wastelands… all while being pursued by the dangerous kingpin Plughead (played by Vernon Wells obviously) and… this movie was a LOT better than I thought it was going to be. It’s over the top, post-apocalyptic 80’s craziness & I highly recommend.
 
Rating – 9/10 – There were a few early scenes that were… hard to watch from editing, but overall a fantastic little watch!
 
December 4 – Werewolf (1995)
 
We watched the MST3K version (which is one of my favorite episodes of the show) but the movie itself is about some archeologists (aged Richard Burton, Jorge Rivero with changing wig colors & hot Czech chick with heavy accent) who find the skeleton of a werewolf… and hijinx ensue. The movie is rough… from the bad accents & ADR to the shotty makeup to the ridiculous dialogue but… I still found some pleasure from it, especially when the MST3K crew are cracking jokes. Without them, this is a bad werewolf movie… but definitely not the worst that I’ve seen.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Definitely check out the MST3K episode though, it’s on Tubi (of course)
 
December 5 – Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983)
 
The next MST3K episode we watched was TV movie starring RAUL JULIA as a programmer in the not too distant future who’s forced to take a virtual vacation… and then something goes wrong… and they try to bring him back… while he’s having a Casablanca fantasy & simultaneously trying to bring down the establishment from within the machine? It’s a lot… but yeah, Raul Julia is OBVIOUSLY fantastic! Most of the others are okay… but the tech gets a little… Lawnmower Man-y and it’s early 80’s so you know how that goes. The episode was hilarious though.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Worth a watch to see how great actors take things to the next level… and if you’ve dreamed of Raul Julia looking confused in a duel role in Casablanca!
 
December 6 – The Last Boy Scout (1991)
 
A secret service agent turned private eye (Bruce Willis) teams up with a suspended quarterback (Damon Wayans) to bring down a football team owner & senator from bringing sports gambling to California and avenge his slain stripper girlfriend (Halle Berry). Directed by Tony Scott & written by Shane Black, this is basically the perfect buddy action movie & you will not convince me otherwise.
 
Rating – 10+/10 – Perfection!!!
 
December 7 – Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995)
 
I remembered really liking this movie as a kid, so I thought I’d check it out. Seal team leader turned cook Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal) is taking his niece (teenage Katherine Heigl) to her father’s funeral on a train from Denver to LA… and it happens to be the one where a team of terrorists take control of a satellite weapon (Goldeneye you hacks!?!) so Ryback has to save the day… again. This is prime Seagal… and he still kinda sucks. However, there’s some great ridiculous performances from guys like Eric Bogosian, Everett McGill, Morris Chestnut, Kurtwood Smith & others so… it’s just a dumb action movie with some decent stunts and at the very least, great editing around its star.
 
Rating – 9/10 – It’s just dumb fun & that’s what I expect from the title.

Happy Holidays everybody!!!

​Steve