Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Here are the movies for the last week of March... and next week will be a little late because we'll be at the ART & SOUP event in Salt Lake City!!! Come buy some of Izzy's art... for a CAUSE!!!

March 24 – Sweepers (1998)
 
It’s a movie where Dolph Lundgren is a humanitarian mine sweeper in Angola… and his son is killed stupidly in the opening scene. Then years later, there’s a new super high-tech mine (that… I don’t know… waits 45 seconds to explode?) and he has to join forces with Claire Stansfield (with poorly plumped-up lips) to save the region… and hijinx ensue. Yeah, this was kinda silly at many points… but overall, obviously not a bad movie for explosions with mines being a key plot point.
 
Rating – 7/10 – May be a future podcast episode… but yeah, not the greatest.
 
March 25 – Batman Returns (1992)
 
On our trip to Cincinnati we ran into a few delays sitting in the tarmac or whatever… so I watched this Christmas chestnut. Michael Keaton as Batman, Danny DeVito as Penguin, Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Christopher Walken, directed by Tim Burton as he was purposely trying to get fired from having to make another Batman movie… it’s absolutely amazing & fun to watch as a kid or an adult. Surprisingly violent, a little crass, man some things are just so funny in a cringy way… absolutely classic!
 
Rating – 10+/10 – Gotta start watching this one every Christmas with the Misses
 
March 26 – Casino Royale (2006)
 
When we actually got on the flight, I was able to watch a 2.5 hour Bond movie revealing Daniel Craig as the world’s greatest spy (though everybody knows who he is). This has been one of my favorites since I first saw it (and that opening scene? AMAZING!!!) but then again, I love “A View to A Kill” and apparently… that’s controversial.
 
Rating – 10+/10 – Although I’m not a fan of P-whipped Bond in the subsequent sequels… this movie kicks
 
March 27 – Raiders of the Lost Ark (1980)
 
The first Indiana Jones movie… and honestly, probably the best (I really like Last Crusade though) and… damn it, Spielberg has made some damn near perfect movies (Jaws, Jurassic Park, this, etc.) in his career… but yeah, Indiana Jones hunting down the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis get to it… you’ve seen this movie & you love it!!!
 
Rating – 10+/10 – Again, damn near a perfect movie! Watch it tonight!
 
March 28 – Alien Predator (1986) (or also “The Falling”)
 
Three Americans are doing a road trip across Spain and they get stuck in a remote town… and something is happening to the people in town. What ensues (besides hijinx) is somebody trying to do an American Werewolf in London… but the dollar store version… with a cute, dumb blonde in the middle of the two friends for… well, no good reason… but hey, it’s a dumb 80’s horror flick.

Rating – 8/10 – There’s definitely some fun things… but a lot more confusing things in this one
 
March 29 – Evils of the Night (1985)
 
Some teens on vacations are kidnapped one at a time by two elderly mechanics so that aliens can suck their blood or something at the local hospital before… I don’t know, their time runs out? This movie is stupid as all hell… but has a cast including John Carradine, Julie Newmar, Neville Brand, Aldo Ray & Tina Louise but FAR past their expiration date. The entire movie made me angry because there’s no way these elderly mechanics are scary in any way… but yeah, whatever, it’s a dumb 80’s horror flick.

Rating – 6/10 – Laughably bad… but still fun in that way
 
March 30 – Battletruck (1982)
 
After WWIII, the world is a Mad Max knock-off!!! I love this genre of movie… and this one basically has a general & his troop roaming the countryside in their War Rig / Battletruck & taking what they want, when they want… and usually about gasoline & women. Michael Beck (Warriors) is your hero… sorta… and he’s on a motorcycle… but yeah, the most impressive thing about this movie is the Battletruck & some of the stunts/explosions.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I can dig it… and Mad Max: Fury Road found inspiration in this, I’m sure!
 
March 31 – The Spy Who Dumped Me (2018)
 
Okay, when this movie came out, I figured that a spy movie with Mila Kunis & Kate McKinnon as two random girls as fish out of water sounded like some “Bridesmaids” BS that I wanted no part of… but oh man, this movie is pretty much the best version that it can be. Basically Mila Kunis was dating a spy… and then she finds out… so she & her friend are pulled into an international conspiracy with LOTS of action & dead bodies in the wake as they globetrot more than a Bond movie (must be f**king nice) and there’s even some great cameos and… yeah, I really enjoyed this movie a LOT more than I thought I would.
 
Rating – 9/10 – A few scenes are a little over-the-top stupid… but man, this movie was a lot of fun!

See you in Ape-ril everybody!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Another week, another batch of movies...

March 17 – Andor (2022)
 
Alright guys, take a knee… I’m about to talk about the latest Star Wars prequel series that I watched about a character that I barely remembered from “Rogue One” which was itself a great footnote movie that I’ve only seen once. This tells the tale of a Lost Boy (or one of those kids from Thunderdome) who’s taken in by rebellious scavengers (played by Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter & a guy who gets 2-3 scenes across 12 episodes) and raised to be a thief who sells parts on the black market… and then is recruited as a mercenary by a rebel leader (Stellan Skarsgard) to pull off a robbery… then when almost everybody dies… he bails for a few episodes with his cut… gets arrested on vacation for nothing… then has to break out of an internment camp with Andy Serkis… and stumbles upon the events of a rebellion because they took place at his surrogate mother’s funeral. End Season one. Is he a good character? Not really. Does he have an arc? Not really. Stuff just kind of happens around him as he’s trying to Gandalf from the situation & he’s one of the few who survives. I’ll admit, there’s some great allegories and themes about the Empire & fighting against oppression that hit to modern day events… but they basically have nothing to do with Cassian Andor, the Forrest Gump of Star Wars. The worst part about the whole story though… is that it’s NINE F**KING HOURS LONG!!! This is a three-hour movie tops… but it’s 12 episodes at 45 minutes each. Literally nothing happens until episode 3(?) and then again in episode 7. It sort of picks up from there… but you’re already six hours in.
 
Rating – 6/10 – It’s okay… but no need for it to be nine hours long
 
March 18 – Bridge of Dragons (1999)
 
Tubi is probably my favorite movie streaming service. They have almost ALL of the Dolph Lundgren library and when I was this one where he plays a mercenary named Warchild who works for an evil general (Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa) and has to go save a princess… but then realizes he may be working for an evil man… and from the director of the Antonio Sabato jr vehicle “High Voltage” from a few months ago… I was in. It’s a hilarious mess of a movie with a strong Asian cast… but set in an unnamed country… shot in Bulgaria… but people have cockney accents too… and it’s supposed to be modern day 1999 but everyone is dress like they’re at a Ren Faire or Rambo III… and when the general dresses like M. Bison from Street Fighter though he played Shang Tsung in the movie… I can’t unsee it. Great explosions & predictable story… give it a shot if you like the genre.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I’ve seen MUCH worse… and it’s at least fun.
 
March 19 – Storm Catcher (1999)
 
We followed it up with another movie from the same year where Dolph is the only man who can fly a stealth bomber… but then a general decides he’s going to steal the stealth to drop a nuclear bomb on the White House (but back when Clinton was there so some didn’t want that to happen). Your standard kind of “Broken Arrow” plot… and Dolph is good… the little girl from “Long Kiss Goodnight” plays his daughter & she’s okay (but they didn’t need to f**k up her hair)… but a lot of the other actors & actresses were… not as great. Still fairly fun & a dumb action movie though… check it out.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Not an essential see in the Dolph Lundgren library… but yeah, why not?
 
March 20 – Mile 22 (2018)
 
Izzy & I had seen this in theatres when it first came out (back when we had MoviePass) and I remembered really liking it. Did we feel the same way on a second watch of this secret special ops team (led by Mark Wahlberg & John Malkovich) transporting a double agent (Iko Uwais) to an airport 22 miles away in order to save some major cities?
 
Rating - ???/10 – Find out on an upcoming episode of Everything I Learned From Movies…
 
March 21 – In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro (1985)
 
You can find a VHS rip of this movie on YouTube… but that’s about the only way that you’re going to find it from what I can tell, maybe some bootleg DVDs of a questionable nature. Anyway, white savior in an Africa village… and during a drought, 90,000 baboons are going around & eating people… hijinx ensue. John Rhys-Davies comes into the story too… and we’ll go in depth about this movie (and whether it’s based on a true story) in an upcoming episode as well but…
 
Rating – 7/10 – Look… you had me at killer apes… and 80’s ridiculousness. If either of those intrigue you, check it out!
 
March 22 – The Barbarians (1987)
 
Amazon Prime suggested this based on our previous movies (lots of Sword & Sorcery movies as you know) and I had never seen this movie starring the Barbarian Brothers (David & Peter Paul) about twin barbarians who are reunited & seek revenge against a warlord (Richard Lynch with Bo Derek’s rope wig) and hijinx ensue. Is this a great movie? Absolutely not. There were genuinely some parts that I laughed at though… and let’s face it… this is a couple of bodybuilders & hot chicks dressing up for a Ren Faire & I’m all here for it.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Glad to have seen it… may do it again for the podcast some time…
 
March 23 – Circle of Iron (1978)
 
So… apparently in 1969, Bruce Lee & James Coburn wrote this magnum opus of Bruce Lee’s philosophy about a martial artists (Jeff Cooper?) who goes on an adventure to defeat this evil ruler (Christopher Lee!!!) who possesses a book that contains the ultimate truth. Along the way, he meets a blind man (David Carradine), a monkey man (David Carradine), a vaguely Asian or Middle Eastern master (David Carradine in blackface?) & Death itself (David Carradine) along the way… learning lessons & completing trials. Now… the only other time I had heard of this movie was when we interviewed the great martial artist / weapons master Anthony DeLongis (check out our interview) as this was one of his first gigs in his 40+ year career and… is it a great movie told in a straightforward matter that makes sense? No, not exactly. It’s the philosophy of Bruce Lee told through David Carradine’s riddles & more of an inner perspective look at growing as a person… and a few other random things tossed in. Your lady probably isn’t going to like it. Not because they don’t enjoy those kinds of movies, but because it’s fights… gibberish… lots of walking… more fighting… repeat, so they’ll be bored with it. That being said…
 
Rating – 9/10 – I enjoyed it. The fights were… okay, especially for the 70s. The story was… okay. Definitely worth a watch though if you’re a fan of kung fu movies.

Alright, see you next week (insert outro music)!!!

​Steve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yup, we went to Cincinnatti for the Bockfest Beer Festival & had a grande ol' tyme... but here are some movies that I watched...

March 10 – The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)
 
We watched the MST3K episode for this and… wow, I wish I could really tell you what it was about. Apparently there’s a big breasted superheroine named Batwoman (didn’t see DC Comics mentioned in the credits so… lawsuit?) who’s fighting evil with a bunch of her Angels… sorry, Batmaidens. There’s a bunch of dumb criminals including one who looks like a Mexican wrestler but… look, this was in 1966 and Black & White… WHILE THE ADAM WEST BATMAN WAS GOING ON?!? This one was ROUGH!!! The MST3K guys helps but… yeah, without them, only watchable for the Batman logo located in the bare ample bosom of our main character.
 
Rating – 3/10 – For each of them & the logo…
 
March 11 – Primal Rage (1988)
 
This was a new one I stumbled upon because there’s an ape involved… and it may be coming in Ape-ril as a last minute substitute. Basically there’s this university in Florida where Dr. Bo Svenson is experimenting on apes… and unleashes a “rage virus” that essentially turns the campus into crazed zombies. The main lead is Patrick Lowe who… doesn’t appear to be one of those random Lowe brothers (like Rob & Chad, basically the Hemsworths of the 80s) but this movie was pretty insane & the zombie effects were actually pretty entertaining. There’s also a Halloween dance scene (of course there is) where every single costume is more elaborate & awesome than any costume that I will EVER make.
 
Rating – 9/10 – Absolutely a blast! Great 80’s horror stuff…
 
March 12 – Outland (1981)
 
Sean Connery is a marshal stationed at a mining colony on a moon of Jupiter… and something is killing miners at an alarming rate… some sort of space meth. So he makes it his life’s goal to shut it all down & establish lawful order… on a mining colony on a moon of Jupiter. This movie appears to have been shot on the “Alien” set after they were done but is still very well done with establishing the world. The characters are great, independent, flawed, everything you would expect from the type of people who would voluntarily go to a mining colony on a moon of Jupiter. Heck, even your hero at a certain point you can see the whole “Hey, they’re miners doing drugs to get by… nobody is forcing them to take it, right?” but it’s a fun trip throughout.
 
Rating – 9/10 – This was a lot better than I kind of expected with the whole Sean Connery in Space thing
 
March 13 – Inherent Vice (2014)
 
After watching Boogie Nights for the 10th time or so the other day, I realized that it’s the only Paul Thomas Anderson movie that I’ve seen more than once… and I hadn’t seen one since There Will Be Blood, which was good. Then I saw that he did this one about a pothead private eye in some sort of Rockford Files situation with Joaquin Phoenix in the lead… so I was in. The cast for this movie is amazing with Josh Brolin, Reese Witherspoon cameo, Katherine Waterston, Owen Wilson, Eric Roberts cameo, Maya Rudolph cameo, Michael K. Williams cameo, Hong Chau killing it, Benicio Del Toro cameo, and so on… The only problem is… the movie is boring as all hell. It’s basically a pothead version of a film noir… with some of the worst & most ridiculous voiceover in the history of cinema from some beatnik stoner chick. It’s about an ex-girlfriend coming to the PI (or is he still a detective… or a doctor too?) saying that she thinks her new boyfriend’s wife is going to have him committed… … … okay? Sucks to be them… roll credits. Nope, he gets roped in & hijinx ensue. Beautifully shot… could’ve used an editor to get it to about 100 minutes instead of 150… nothing makes sense when you looks at it a second time. Not my bag.
 
Rating – 5/10 – This is a low rating for me… but just not my bag.
 
March 14 – The Fabelmans (2022)
 
Steven Spielberg is a fantastic director… and has been for a half century now… but I’ll admit, I was worried going into this movie… because it’s about him growing up in Arizona in the 50s & 60s & about his love for his parents… and when it’s a man with all the power in basically making his own biopic and a minimum of conflicting viewpoints, that’s typically a recipe for a movie to be a gigantic circle jerk with your own variants. That being said… the movie starts off SUPER schmaltzy… then takes a turn into some genuine family drama… and before you know it, he’s thrown in a few ridiculously funny beats towards the end… roll credits, you had yourself a time. I’ll be the first to say that watching that movie at 1.5x speed is the way to go with this 2.5 hour flick… and you won’t miss a thing, guaranteed… but check it out!
 
Rating – 9/10 – “Unless I make a movie about this… which I would NEVER do…”
 
March 15 – Infinite (2021)
 
First time watch of this Marky Mark movie costarring Chiwetel Ejiafor… and it’s about a man who is having dreams… but they’re really memories of his past lives… and only a few hundred people have this ability… some want to save humanity, some want to destroy it… yeah, it’s basically all the action movies & young adult novels thrown into one but… if you’re into those action movies… you may find yourself enjoying it, even if it’s basically following the treads left along the way by far superior movies…
 
Rating – 8/10 – Like I did… yeah, it’s a dumb movie… but I love Chiwetel Ejiafor in just about anything & it’s dumb action
 
March 16 – 47 Meters Down (2017)
 
First time watch of this movie that I basically knew as “Mandy Moore gets her tourist ass dropped to the bottom of the ocean in a shark tank” and hijinx ensue. Yeah, that’s pretty much it… but her sister is there with her too (you know, for exposition) and Captain Matthew Modine is going to get help but literally phones it in for the 2nd & 3rd act. That being said though… it’s actually a pretty tight 80 minute movie with decent tension building & still exactly what you would expect from a shark movie.
 
Rating – 8/10 – I’ve seen MANY worse shark movies… and I may have to check out the sequel from the same director

See you just in time for St. Patrick's Day!!!

​Steve