January Movies - Week 1

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay... another week another bunch of movies... here we go...

January 5 – In Hell (2003)
 
This was one of the few JCVD movies that I hadn’t seen… and friend of the podcast Michael Bailey Smith starred in it… and it’s a prison movie… so what could go wrong? Well, it wasn’t what I expected. JCVD is thrown into a Russian prison because he killed the man who raped & murdered his pregnant wife… and hijinx ensue. Again, maybe the biggest thing was the expectations going in. I expected JCVD to do some martial arts… and he did some fighting but… more like fist fighting really. There was also even more rape than I was expecting in a prison movie (obviously there’s always some) but this one was like “Hey, has it been five minutes yet? Just to be safe throw Billy Campbell in with somebody to go through him like tissue paper!” It wasn’t a bad movie… though there’s definitely some things that are just ridiculous towards the end. Oh & Lawrence Taylor is the narrator so… odd.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Not the greatest but not the worst…
 
January 6 – Magic Christmas Tree (1964)
 
Okay, this was a crazy movie about a boy who gets a ring from an old witch… which when used in conjunction with a magic Christmas tree grants three wishes… hijinx ensue. This was a Rifftrax Christmas special… and it’s great to laugh at but… as far as a movie goes, there’s really not much here worth mentioning.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Definitely watch the Rifftrax version
 
January 7 – Santa’s Summer House (2012)
 
What happens when you give director David DeCoteau a few grand, a mansion that he filmed like a dozen movies at, and access to 90s actions stars Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock & Daniel Bernhardt for a few hours? You get a movie about a bunch of bitchy people who stumble upon Santa’s Summer House and they can work their stuff out (or not) while Santa is played by Robert Mitchum’s son. Hijinx ensue… but not really. It’s about 40% establishing shots at the beach or a different angle of the mansion that you’ve seen in a bunch of other sh*tty movies.
 
Rating – 5/10 – Nice to see these actors getting work… but about the only bright spot is Cynthia Rothrock at least trying to do something.
 
January 8 – Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)
 
The 2nd cinematic adventure of the world’s greatest detective Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) as he goes to a murder mystery party involving Dave Bautista, Edward Norton, Kate Hudson, Janelle Monae, Jessica Henwick, Kathryn Hahn, Leslie Odom jr and a few other cameos… but he wasn’t invited… hijinx ensue. This movie was written & directed by Rian Johnson (“The Last Jedi”) who did the original “Knives Out” too and… basically it’s just a lot of fun. It’s on Netflix, check it out. I don’t want to spoil anything.
 
Rating – 10/10 – Even if you know who did what… it’s still a lot of fun
 
January 9 – The Dark (1979)
 
This movie is interesting because… the first 80 minutes or so of the movie have absolutely nothing to do with the last five minutes. Basically my understanding of this movie… is Tobe Hooper helped with filming movie to give it a creepy feel because… well, it was a movie about a serial killer going around and killing young ladies in Los Angeles. You have William Devane playing Stephen King who’s looking for his daughter’s killer while also trying to hook up with a newswoman played by Cathy Lee Crosby (the blonde “Wonder Woman” from the 70’s TV movie). Apparently right before the movie was about to be released though… this movie called “Alien” comes up & is amazing… so to capitalize on aliens being successful in movies, they decide to make the serial killer a f**king werewolf with laser beam eyes and add some BS at the beginning of the movie about there being thousands of planets with millions of species just in our universe… so what if one showed up here on Earth? Okay… so how did it get here? Spaceship? Is it just trying to eat by… mauling bodies of women? I can grasp that a hairy humanoid with laser beam eyes is a potential special that came down from another planet, I’ve seen ALL the Predators… but you can’t just have him show up wearing flannel & jeans in the last five minutes of the movie and take out the LAPD because… science?
 
Rating – 7/10 – That being said… I still kind of enjoyed just how f**king pointless most of the movie is… then it takes a sudden turn at the end
 
January 10 – Fun in Balloon Land (1965)
 
Speaking of pointless… this was a Rifftrax watch… and it starts off with about 15-20 minutes of some guys who owns some giant parade balloons in a warehouse… and I can only assume having his kids attempt to reenact nursery rhymes with the giant balloons… and then we get about 30 minutes of a parade in Philadelphia narrated by… I can only assume is his cracked-out niece who’s not even seeing the parade, probably just reading stuff & feigning excitement… and then a kid wakes up & it was all a dream. The end.
 
Rating – 4/10 – Rifftrax helps… but it can only do so much
 
January 11 – Zindy the Swamp Boy (1973)
 
This movie is a Rene Cardona jr directed movie about a fugitive grandpa (played by Rene Cardona III) who lives in the swamp with his grandson Zindy… oh & he has a chimp because it’s the jungle too. The first part is the grandpa teaching Zindy to survive in the jungle/swamp… then the grandpa passes away… and Zindy has to fend for himself… and hijinx ensue. This movie was… actually kind of fun to watch (especially with Rifftrax) because it’s kind of a Mowgli / Huck Finn character with a monkey… but then the ending had me laughing out loud for all the wrong reasons.
 
Rating – 9/10 – Rifftrax will help for some slower parts… but I recommend if you’re a sicko like me

Until next week, true believers!

​Steve