January Movies - Week 4

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yup, it's February now... and I'll be watching Black Panther: Wakanda Forever tonight... but first...

January 26 – Killer Sally (2022)
 
This is a new Netflix documentary about the female bodybuilder Sally McNeil, who’s famous for killing her bodybuilder husband on Valentine’s Day 1995. As with most of these kinds of documentaries, there’s obvious ways that the story is told through the first few episodes to sway you one way… and then they bring in the rest of the facts when we get to the trial portion, you know, just to get that reaction… and of course, I’m always wondering what the victim or people specifically left out (or choosing to bow out) of the documentary would have to say but… you know, they’re probably dead or something… or made it a lot simpler. Long story short: Don’t do steroids & get out of toxic relationships. Or go to jail… whatever.

Rating – 8/10 – Still pretty well done getting the information out but… there’s definitely things left out purposely.
 
January 27 – Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls (1979)
 
Yup… we’re gearing up for February on the podcast where we’re watching our first adult films. Sure, I’ve seen some pornography in my day… but definitely not a lot. So the theme for the month is to watch a few movies that are recommended to us by our Patreons and… this was the first! You know that stereotypical porn about pizza delivery with “extras” on the side? This one stars John Holmes & a bunch of cute chicks… and there’s also a plot involving a six-foot chicken that sexually assaults people… and a chicken conglomerate trying to run them out of business? It’s nonsense… but the best kind of nonsense & a quintessential example of the Golden Age of Porn.
 
Rating – 9/10 – There are definitely some things that’ll make you squirm… okay, a LOT… but it’s what you signed up for
 
January 28 – Once Upon a Girl (1976)
 
What if Hanna-Barbara did a porn? That’s this movie. I’m not even joking. Mother Goose is on trial (played by Hal Smith) for public indecency & she sees it as the perfect opportunity to tell the REAL stories of Jack & the Beanstalk, Cinderella & Little Red Riding Hood. This movie is… … rough to say the least. There are a lot of points where it’s kind of crass to be crass… and trigger warnings for stuff like rape and whatnot. That being said… yeah, it’s a bad Hanna-Barbara animated porn.

Rating – 6/10 – They REALLY try to drag it out to fill that 80 minute runtime.
 
January 29 – Dead Heat (1988)
 
This was a first time watch for me… about two LA detectives (Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo) who are investigating a string of bank robberies to find out that they’re being done… by reanimated corpses / zombies? That leads them to a mysterious company… one of the detectives is killed… and then they bring him back to life. Now he has like… a day to find out why he died (wasn’t he already at the company though) and bring down some bank robbers… and hijinx ensue. Zombie Cop! Now… it sounds ridiculous & stupid… and it absolutely is… but I loved it!!!
 
Rating – 10/10 – Great action, stupid one-liners, just a fun watch!
 
January 30 – Madoff: Monster of Wall Street (2023)
 
This was a 4-hour documentary about Bernie Madoff and how he came to swindle BILLIONS from people… but of course… he didn’t do it alone. Can you name the other people? Of course you can’t… because he was a scapegoat. Great documentary but it just made me mad about the whole economic system & the justice system in general… but then again I’m biased… because I know bringing math into the economy is like bringing science to religion.
 
Rating – 9/10 – If you don’t know the details, it’s a great way to see how horrible people (and institutions) can be
 
January 31 – Million Eyes of Sumuru (1967)
 
Sumuru (played by Bond girl Shirley Eaton) leads an army of superhotties who are basically killing off male leaders & heads of state… and replacing them with her agents… and there’s only a few “secret agents” that can stop her… unfortunately it’s George Nader & Frankie Avalon and… man, this one was a little rough. The male agents are idiots… the plot is pretty whacky… but man, are those girls hot. I’d recommend checking out the Rifftrax version of this James Bond wanna-be.
 
Rating – 7/10 – Eye candy aplenty…
 
February 1 – Black Water (2018)
 
JCVD shows up in an inescapable submarine prison (with Dolph Lundgren in the next cell) and now he must figure out where he is, who has him there, and how he can get out… hijinx ensue. Okay, hijinx like a lot of flashbacks, obvious plot twists & double crosses, some others thrown in just because, female soldiers who paid for medical school by stripping (I assume anyway) and honestly… I thought this was a new movie to me… but watching it, I figured out that I had seen it back when it first came out… but remembered almost nothing important. How would I forget an underwater prison movie?

Rating – 7/10 – This one’s a little rough but… JCVD & Dolph actually share a scene or two!
 
February 2 – The Astrologer (1975)
 
Okay, so this movie was part of the Bloodbank for Patreons of the Bloody Bits Horror Show… and I had heard about it last week as one of those “Auteur” films where a guy is the writer/director/star/caterer/financier but had never made a movie before… so I’m expecting some Neil Breen, Tommy Wiseau, John DeHart crap… and boy howdy did I get them all in one 70’s movie with a soundtrack that I can only assume was not paid for! Basically it’s about a guy (Craig Deeney) who starts as a carney tarot card reader… so then he robs a bunch of banks… wins all of the stocks… makes a movie that grosses $145 million (before Star Wars) and has 26 shows on the three channels in syndication… all in like a year… and hijinx ensue. The editing of scenes is absolutely bonkers… like the character you think will be the villain is suddenly & immediately killed, smash cut to him narrating elsewhere about another movie that he’s apparently in now? Not going to lie… the internet went out with 15 minutes left in the movie… and I have no idea what’s going to happen other than it’s probably going to be bat sh*t insane.
 
Rating – 6/10 – Don’t try to watch it & have it make sense… just assume that everything he said that happened off-screen makes total sense… and it’s still rough. Neil Breen, you HACK!!!

Wakanda Forever!!!

​Steve