June Movies - Week 2

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

June 5 – Ambulance (2022)
 
That’s right! New Michael Bay movie!!! Jake Gyllenhall & Yahya Abdul-Mateen II are brothers (just go with it) who rob a bank… things go wrong in some pretty ridiculous ways… and by minute 20 of this 2:15 movie we’ve started our high speed chase in an ambulance that doesn’t really let up for the next two hours. Here’s the thing… if you don’t like Michael Bay movies (average cut is just under a second, lots of lens flares, nonsensical humor attempts, self-referential BS, LOTS of shaky camera work, pretty ridiculous roles for women, etc.) then you are NOT going to enjoy this movie. Izzy for example couldn’t even watch it because of the shaky cam & preposterous medical procedures. However, I really enjoyed it. The performances were genuinely great, especially for a Michael Bay movie where that usually doesn’t happen. Not sure if I blame Mysterio & Candyman for that but… yeah, I enjoyed the craziness.
 
Rating – 10/10 – Again, if ridiculous action is what you’re looking for, this is now streaming on Peacock.
 
June 6 – 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)
 
Well.. Ninjas so you know this is part of the Ninja-ly lineup on the Podcast. Now, I have not seen the first three 3 Ninja movies for a variety of reasons… so why did I want to watch the 4th in the series? Well… because Hulk Hogan, Loni Anderson & JIM VARNEY are in this one! So if I’m going to watch a bad to questionable movie… it’s going to be the one with Jim Varney in it! How did it turn out? Well… it’s Die Hard at an Amusement Park with 3 Ninjas, Hulk & Ernest… but does it deserve a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes? Find out in Ninjaly!
 
Rating - ???/10 – Everything I Learned From Movies is on ALL the major podcatchers!
 
June 7 – Moon Knight (2022)
 
You may sense a theme where Izzy & I wait not just until an episodic series is fully released… but also about a month or so after… and it’s because Izzy is superhero’d out & I want to forget all the spoilers before I watch the show (damn you social media). This comic was apparently a satire of Batman… and it kind of shows… but the show itself for being over-the-top ridiculous even by Marvel standards at times… was still a pretty interesting & provocative look at multiple personality disorder & mental health. The action was… well, there really wasn’t any? That was the weird thing… it’s six episodes and there’s like… 2.5 mild action scenes. Again, the rest of it though was at least engaging. Definitely could’ve been a three-hour movie instead of 5-hour total series.
 
Rating – 8/10 – Give it a watch… will it tie into the MCU? Who knows?
 
June 8 – Creature (1985)
 
Okay, this is one of those “Alien” rip-off movies from the 80s about a geological survey crew going to Saturn’s moon & crashes into a German space station… and shenanigans ensue. Spoilers: It’s a creature that kills them… and they find Klaus Kinski of course! Now… the movie isn’t great by any means… but it’s a lot of trashy fun for the most part. The creature effects are impressive… and it makes sense that a lot of the people worked on “Aliens” the following year… but yeah, you have to go in with an open mind.

Rating – 8/10 – Lucky for them… I love these kinds of movies!
 
June 9 – The King’s Daughter (2022)
 
King Louis XIV (Pierce Brosnan) has been king of France a long time… and he’s decided to take in his bastard daughter… while also capturing a mermaid because a doctor told him that he could transfer her lifeforce to him & make him immortal. This movie is based on a novel that BEAT “Game of Thrones” for best fiction the year that it came out… and this movie was FILMED IN 2014 but was just released for some reason… and man is it rough. That being said… the acting wasn’t bad for the cliché story that you swear you’ve seen a thousand times… but man, this is not good.
 
Rating – 6/10 – At least the daughter & lead pirate hooked up in real life during filming & have beautiful children in grade school now.
 
June 10 – Blacklight (2022)
 
Liam Neeson… set of skills… off-the-books operative… grows a conscience… family problems… people dying… Aidin Quinn is the director of the FBI… oh he has OCD this time… copy paste. Guys, Liam is 70 years old now… can we PLEASE let him do some roles meant for a 70 year old man? He’s done his time.
 
Rating – 7/10 – I like these kinds of movies… but he seems particular elderly in this one. Still acts when the moment calls for it though!
 
June 11 – Santo vs. the Vampire Women (1962)
 
Or SAMSON vs. the Vampire Women as it was in the version that we saw… but yeah, it’s Santo the Luchador legend going up against vampire… some of which are GORGEOUS women as they’re trying to kidnap some scientist’s daughter to marry off to the devil… or something. It’s a mess… but hey, the wrestling wasn’t bad & the ladies were bosomy.
 
Rating – 6/10 – Tubi & Pluto TV provide… and I think there’s a Rifftrax version too… I’d recommend that.
 
June 12 – The Creeping Terror (1964)
 
Speaking of Rifftrax, we followed it up with this one! This one is about a country sheriff whose townspeople are being devoured by… … basically what looks like a mound of sod with teeth that slooooooowwwwwwwly engulfs people (like they cut out the part where they just jump halfway into the costume). The first two acts are your standard bad 50’s & 60’s horror tropes… but then the last 15 minutes or so are just about the slowest & most preposterous things ever put to celluloid.
 
Rating – 3/10 – I’d consider watching “Old” again before watching this movie which I’ve retitled “Slow”
 
June 13 – The Giant Spider Invasion (1975)
 
This Rifftrax on the other hand was a treat! Check it out on Tubi… but basically a meteor lands in a cornfield or something… and there’s these little geodes that have spiders inside of them… and one of them grows HUGE while the others are just spiders that make cobwebs appear instantly… and the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island is the dimwitted sheriff… and there’s some great bad hillbilly takes including spousal abuse & “Kids these days” shenanigans… and then when the GIANT SPIDER shows up it gets great… just like “Wild Wild West”!!!
 
Rating – 8/10 – It’s a 10’er on the Rifftrax version but just a silly dumb horror movie otherwise.

Okay, so it will probably be a while before I respond again... because we're going on a BIG two-week vacation in the Midwest... but we'll have plenty to share when we come back! See you soon!

​Steve