Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,
Okay… where were we?
Day 5 – To Me, It Was a Tuesday
Basically I worked most of the day… and then Izzy & I watched some Olympics and went to bed early because she was driving home solo at 4 AM the next morning. I know, “Big whoop! You old! Why you going to bed before 10 PM like you a child?” Because hopefully that gets her home safely before the ravages of the Western United States ON FIRE get to her… driving solo… with me working in luxury… and gets her home before nightfall.
Okay, let’s talk about the Olympic Games… I’m digging some of these sports that I had never seen before, or only catch a few minutes of every four years or so.
Handball – Watched a game that was like… Egypt vs. France or something, and it’s basically like LaCrosse but with just your hands… and it was pretty fun. Later that day, I brought it up with a coworker… and found out that SHE WAS A PRO HANDBALL PLAYER IN FRANCE FOR OVER A DECADE!!! How did this not come up in conversation before? That’s the magic of the Olympic Games, I guess…
Rugby – Why isn’t this on television more? Why doesn’t America get in on this? I was watching Fiji vs. Argentina and who knew they built Fijians like this?!? Now, from what I can tell about the sport… is it’s basically like American Football… but with a somehow goofier oblong ball… and guess basically run the triple option with laterals while a gang of dudes are tackling them… but when they’re tackled, that’s just the beginning because they’ll either get the ball ripped from their hands, or they toss it to a teammate who starts running from a mob the other way… and they’re all built like brick outhouses with the only padding being like a nice cotton polo shirt and sensible shoes. I was entranced at how simple a game it was… and yet still gripping. I understand that New Zealand is the other big country in this sport but… never would I have guessed that a man’s man sport like this would come down to Fiji vs. New Zealand in the gold medal game. Kudos to you islands in the South Pacific! I hope to visit soon!
Table Tennis – Normally watching two guys play table tennis is… mediocre at best. However, you get people who have dedicated their lives to… essentially a child’s game… my friend, you are about to see some intense competition with hand-eye coordination that we mere mortals cannot understand completely. It’s like they can see two seconds into the future like Nic Cage in “Next”! Hmm… I smell a sequel to that movie… which if you heard our podcast about it… the movie didn’t even really have an ending, so a sequel would be a satisfying ending! Oh also, SPOILER ALERT: Chinese players win something like 90% of the medals all time in this event.
Bonus Tip: Added division for this sport… Just add alcohol! After each game, the competitors take a shot of the preferred spirit of their homeland (must be at least 35% ABV) so that by the time you get into the later matches of this Best-of-7 series, then you find out who the real endurance athlete with superior coordination is…
Dressage – Do you want to watch a 56-year old man ride a dancing horse around a stadium to Men Without Hats?!? There’s an Olympic sport for that!!!
3x3 Basketball – I had no idea this was an Olympic sport… and I dug it! One morning I watched the men’s & women’s bronze & gold medal games, which took like 30 minutes tops each because it’s a non-stop, ten-minutes on the clock, race to 21 points with 1-2 point baskets or highest at the end of 10 minutes wins! Teams of four, three in at a time, everybody is basically a mix of a ballhandler, defender, post up & long-range shooter for maximum strategy & versatility… I mean, as a lifelong fan of basketball, it was sweet to watch! There’s just one thing though…
Oh first off, the USA women’s team was fantastic! I knew all four players on the team including multi-national championship winners & lottery picks from the WNBA Draft who I guess just didn’t make it to the 5x5 Team USA, including #1 pick of the 2017 WNBA Draft, Kelsey Plum!!! They took home the gold in a great match! Kudos to them!
There was the men’s games though… but no Team USA?!? It was teams like Belgium, Latvia, ROC (no not Roc La Familia, but apparently that’s what Russia is going by this time) & Serbia… but no USA?!? Most of the players in these games were between 6’3” & 6’8”, good all-around players who shoot, defend, are quick & agile yet strong on the block… but where’s the 3x3 team of like… Kevin Durant, Anthony Davis & LeBron James who are 6-12 inches taller, stronger, faster, etc? I know it’s a different game from what they’re used to but… even if it’s three randoms from the league who worked together for a month or two leading up to the Olympics… GOLD!!! How long do you think the WNBA alums worked together? A week? Because they’re already familiar with the concept of a team sport? Anyway, get on it guys… there’s gold in them thar hills for 2024.
Simone Biles – Congratulations to her!!! She’s already the GOAT & to take a stand on the highest stage to show that athletes are human beings with issues & not indentured servants to the masses at any cost is quite remarkable. There are others who are all “But she was representing ‘merica!” and yes, she was representing her country… in a game. She’s already won gold medals with broken bones, immense pain, being a part of a predatory gymnastics training facility AND being the f**king face on EVERY SINGLE AD FOR THE OLYMPICS THAT HAD TO BE PUSHED BACK BECAUSE MAYBE A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ISN’T THE BEST SETTING FOR IT!!! It’s a lot of pressure… for a game. Be like Simone… and chill out, get your mind right!
I’m curious… Did you step up to fill her spot on the gymnastics team? Nah, somebody else who has dedicated their life into honing an athletic craft subbed in for her so that they could live out their dream… while Simone took a very important step in securing her health & safety for years to come, when you’ll have moved on to the next whatever. It’s fantastic! I want more athletes to be able to transition to other things! I don’t like stories of them ending up like pro wrestlers pushed to the brink of insanity with crippled bodies & home lives. Enough of that! Kudos to Simone & the growing number of athletes who are realizing this simple fact – You are a human being… and you only get one go-around in this life!
Little Countries Done Good – Gold medals going to countries like Bermuda, the Philippines, even stories like Great Britain getting their first swimming gold since 1908 are what the games are all about to me. Sure, USA all damn day… but I like underdogs too… like the Jamaican bobsled team or someone who trains in a glorified storage unit to become a medal winning shot-putter or something… bring it on!
Day 6 – Fu** The Police
So yeah, as planned, Izzy left early for the drive home… and by the time I got into work & she was already past Reno… the Nevada Highway Patrol had given her a ticket for allegedly going 3 MPH over the limit & costing the out-of-state driver $193 plus processing fees. Was she speeding? Probably not… and let’s face it, you in f**king Nevada… your whole state is a salt flat only good for testing top speeds… so going with the flow of traffic & getting pulled over because you’re a lovely woman in a red Jeep with Utah plates because “you can come back in 5-14 days to contest it & I’ll just say that you were speeding and you have no recourse” is a pretty horrible way to live. Thankfully you go home and masturbate ferociously into a cup of your own tears, ya punk ass pig!
Aside from that, she made it home safe & sound! Kinda missing her already… but now I can starfish on the bed, so there’s that!
Anyway, more Olympics to watch… and Basketball Christmas!!! What’s that? Find out next time!!!
In accordance with Megan’s Law,
Steve and Izzy
Steve and Izzy are the hosts behind the EILFM podcast, are BJCP beer judges and have terrible to questionable taste in movies. Along with the PodCats Pickles, Cameron and Poe they will justify why these movies are amazing